Shirley Ray Bodine: Southern Comfort

Shirley Ray Bodine’s Table Manners Quiz

Hello darlings! It’s good to be chatting with y’all. I’ve had such an interesting and busy year. I won’t even go into my adventures in Europe last summer. I could fill a novel with my spicy exploits in the Mediterranean. Danielle Steele has nothing on ol’ Shirley Ray. But of course, I’ve had a more philanthropic bent as of late with all my relatives affected by the hurricanes last year. Between helping my kin, running my Book Club and cutting hair over at Shear Enough, I’m just one poopled people.

But they don’t call me the Queen of Cactus Needles Trailer Park for nothing, darlings. I’ve had a number of letters lately concerning proper etiquette especially when serving vittles to guests. Believe you me; I saw plenty of less than perfect manners helping my Aunt Thelma and Uncle Horace in Louisiana. Oh, my cousin Wilbur is a complete mess. That boy just would not stop humping my leg. I don’t know how many times I had to hit him on the nose with a newspaper. Uncle Horace finally had to get out the hose and spray him down.

But enough about my relatives. I’ve decided to give y’all a fun little table manners quiz. The answers are given after the four choices are listed. Here’s hoping you’re the next Miss Manners. Don’t peek at the answers now, sugar!

1. During the meal you need to go to the bathroom. What do you do?

1. Announce to everybody "I've got to go potty"
2. Just get up and go to the bathroom
3. Just sit there and hold it in
4. Just sit there and let nature take its course

Answer:  a. Unless you live in Arkansas, then it's d..

2. When you are not eating, where do you keep your hands?

1. On your lap
2. In your pockets
3. On top of your head
4. On your dog Buford, who is sitting underneath the table waiting for scraps

Answer:  d. Buford also makes a convenient napkin.

3. When is it acceptable to put your elbows on the table?

1. Always
2. Never
3. Only when you’re eating possum
4. Only when you’re passed out after drinking too much two buck Chuck

Answer:  d. You need something to cushion your head.

4. Is it okay to smoke at the table?

1. Always
2. Never
3. Only when you’re eating possum
4. Only when you’re passed out after drinking too much two buck Chuck

Answer:  d. Surprisingly, the same answer.

5. Which fork should you use to eat your entree?

1. The little fork
2. The big fork
3. The pitch fork
4. No fork - just put your hands behind your back and dig in with your mouth

Answer:  d. Unless you live in Arkansas, then it's c..

6. At dinner, when should you start eating?

1. As soon as the host starts to eat
2. When everyone has been served
3. As soon as you're served
4. As soon as the host rings the dinner triangle and yells "Come and get it!"

Answer:  d. He who eats the fastest, gets the mostest!

7. Where do you place your napkin when the meal is over?

1. On the table
2. Over your head
3. Down your pants
4. Down Uncle Jed’s throat because he just won’t shutup

Answer:  b.,c., and d. are all acceptable. a. is just plain rude.

That's all for this week, darlings. Talk to you next time.

Love and Kisses!

Shirley Ray,
The Queen Of Cactus Needles Trailer Park