House GOP Ready To Shove Values Agenda Down America’s Throat

Republican members of the House of Representatives recently released a series of bills it is calling ‘The American Values Agenda’ in hopes of energizing it’s conservative base for the fall 2006 elections. Already the first item, protecting the word ‘under God’ in the pledge of allegiance, has already gone down to defeat.

Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert commented on the initiative. “We feel that this is a necessity as a signal to our conservative base that we’re ready to ram the ideology of a minority of wealthy, religious individuals down the throats of the rest of America. And since this minority has a lot of bucks, we’re going to basically push these items through and character assassinate anyone who stands in our way.”

Among the gritty, pressing issues tackled by House Republicans; a vital flag-burning amendment, a crucial anti-gay marriage amendment, and an urgent cracking down on Internet gambling. Other serious topics to be considered include: protecting insurance companies from frivolous claims from greedy hurricane victims; protecting frozen embryos from evil stem cell researchers; abolishing the completely unfair estate tax which affects a whopping one percent of the population; making sure that every citizen can own and properly use an AK-47; making sure the Arctic Wildlife Refuge is drilled for that precious nine month supply of oil; and making sure that the United States of America becomes a full fledged Christian theocracy.

Democratic congressman from California, Nancy Pelosi said that this is nothing but pandering by House Republicans. “They are taking radical right wing values and touting them as America’s values. This is nothing more than their age old tactic of distract, distort and divide. Meanwhile, the Democrats have a clear message to the American people and that is...we’re just going to stand by and watch Republicans self destruct.”

Vice President Dick Cheney said, “All have to say is that if you don’t support these issues, then you’re not much of an American. I mean if you voted to take the words ‘under God’ out of the pledge of allegiance, you probably watch Al-Jezeera and root for Al-Qaeda. You probably even cried when Al-Zarqawi died.” When it was pointed out that the words ‘under God’ were added to the pledge in 1954, Cheney shook his head vigorously and responded, “See! This is just another example of the biased liberal media spreading misinformation to the good sheeple… people of America. Where’s my shotgun?”

People expressed mixed views about the series of bills. Joe Nelson of Brighton, Massachusetts, said, “I don’t think these bills really help anyone. We’ve got huge problems in Iraq, our deficit is skyrocketing, affordable healthcare is a joke and people in New Orleans still need assistance. I think we need to solve these problems first, although I agree that we should stop Internet gambling. You should only be able to blow your money at a regular casino like normal people.”

Gladys Clary of Dennison, Iowa said, “We need to reduce our dependency on foreign oil and the only way to do that is to drill the hell out of all the available land and coastlines that we have. I don’t care about the Earth’s future. I’m old and my hummer needs gas now!”

Tom Miles of Fetid Gulch, Texas, said, “If we don’t pass these bills now, illegal immigrants will pour over our borders, burn our flags, marry farm animals and use stem cells to cure Alzheimers.”

Navy Protests Sonar Ruling; “Whales Schmales! We Need Our War Games!”

Environmentalists won a huge battle this past week when U.S. District Court judge Florence Marie Cooper ruled that the Navy must halt using mid-frequency sonar in war games in this year’s 2006 RIMPAC war game exercises. The sonar had been blamed for the disorientation of some 150 melon-headed whales who almost beached themselves in Hanalei Bay in Kauai two years ago during the war games.

Lynn McCann of the National Resources Defense Council said, “This is a fantastic victory for the protection of marine mammals. There is overwhelming scientific evidence that the mid-level sonar disrupts not just whales but other marine mammals like dolphins and porpoises. These animals use their own underwater sonar to navigate, find food and avoid predators. Without these mechanisms they become disoriented and run the risk of beaching themselves.”

Captain James Tobias, spokesman for the Navy, was upset with the verdict. “Whales schmales! There’s plenty of ocean out there! If those stupid melon-heads can’t figure out that we’re playing war games and move somewhere else then to hell with them. We need war games to keep our men fighting fresh. Why I’ve heard a rumor on the Internets that Iran, North Korea and even Iceland are developing super duper silent submarines. Tell me people: how are we going to protect ourselves from Icelandic super subs? So now we’ve got to sacrifice ourselves just to save 150 stupid whales who don’t like loud noises. Well boo hoo hoo!”

Spokesman for the melon-headed whales, Cecil, a 400 lb., 9 foot long specimen from Hawaii, responded to Tobias. “Well it seems to me that Mr. Tobias doesn’t realize the effect sonar has on melon headed whales. You see, we use sonar to navigate and find food. This is done by echolocation, a tricky maneuver that humans need machinery to perform. We do it naturally. The sonar used by your navy disrupts our ability to find food and cripples us. Well let me explain in terms you humans can understand. Let’s say Mr. Tobias is hungry and walking to the store. What am I saying? Mr. Tobias is so fat and lazy, he couldn’t possibly walk that far. He would get in his SUV and drive the three blocks to the store. Then all of a sudden a blinding flash disables his eyesight and he is unable to control his vehicle and he swerves and beaches himself on a sidewalk, into a pole or into someone’s abode. Mr. Tobias is not able to search for food, and his life is more than likely in peril. So Mr. Tobias, in the future when you’re playing your little games, just remember the book Moby Dick. I’ll be watching and waiting for you. I have teeth you know.”

Captain Tobias then urged President Bush to place all melon-headed whales, especially Cecil, on the terrorist list.

Lieberman Builds ‘Joementum’ Toward Upcoming Election

Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman recently announced that he is excited about the upcoming Senatorial primary election against Democratic challenger Ned Lamont, who despite gaining support trails Lieberman in polls by 25 percentage points. Despite the huge lead in the polls, Lieberman has stated that he’ll seek office as an Independent if he loses the primary to Lamont.

“Yes, excitement is in the air,” droned Lieberman to a crowd estimated to be in the teens. “That same ‘Joementum’ from the 2004 presidential elections is electrifying this crowd today. I promise to keep up my tradition of standing up to my opponents, looking them straight in the eye and doing whatever they want.”

People in the crowd were less than enthusiastic about Lieberman. “Isn’t he Republican now?” queried Hartford resident Kellie Winwood. “I mean the way he’s been French kissing the President and supporting the Iraq War, I just took it for granted he’d switched parties.”

“Lieberman?” said Chad Bailey. “Whoa am I embarrassed! I thought this was a Kevin Federline concert.”

“The man is the walking personification of Droopy Dog,” said constituent Ray Conway. “I have bowel movements that are more exciting than he is. I think at this point I’d vote for that lamp post over there before I’d vote for that guy.”

Local Sorority Hottie Just Not Getting Physics

Many students who congregate at the Cactus Corners Coffee Company coffee shop at Cactus Corners Village have been amused this summer at the daily tutoring sessions that physics guru Bryce Chen has been giving Cactus Corners Community College student Danielle DuBois of Eta Nu Pi sorority. Apparently, the sorority hottie is bombing physics horribly despite extensive tutoring from the brilliant Chen.

“She’s completely failing the class,” remarked Mark Henderson, who is in DuBois’ class. “I think she got a 20 on her last test and that’s with the curve. It’s like an Abbott and Costello comedy routine watching Bryce trying to explain physics to her. He’s got more patience than I do. I woulda given up the first day.”

“I don’t know why exactly she’s taking this class,” said Chen. “She has absolutely no interest in the subject and it’s especially tough taking Physics in the summer because everything is condensed. I’m not complaining because her daddy’s rich and he’s paying me $20 an hour. And she has a two hour session with me everyday. But this is ridiculous; talk about clueless.”

Bryce’s girlfriend, Alicia Downs, was bothered by DuBois’ vacuous behavior. “Please. I’m not jealous, okay. I mean she is gorgeous with those smoldering dark eyes, long silky black hair, pouty lips, firm breasts and those mile long legs. But I know Bryce isn’t interested in that.” She paused, crushed out her cigarette and took a long gulp of coffee. “What bothers me is that she’s setting women back a generation by acting all dumb and ditzy like Paris Hilton. I took Physics 101 last semester and it was tough, but I studied hard and I got a B. I didn’t go around batting my long eyeslashes, wearing tight clothes and four inch heels to get help. I sat down and did the work.” Downs then lit up another cigarette and nervously took a puff. “What is taking Bryce so long anyway?!”

An observed tutoring session last week went as follows:

“To solve this problem you need to determine which of the kinematic equations applies,” explained Chen.

“Kinewhatic?” mused DuBois as she twirled her hair and eyed a nearby male ordering coffee.

“That’s kinematic,” corrected Bryce. “You need to determine the distance Joe Blow has traveled if he accelerates at 6 meters per second squared for 5 seconds from a complete stop. Which of the kinematic equations can you use to solve this problem?”

“Okay like, why does Joe Blow need to know this. Is he some sort of nerd or something? And why are we using meters? Wasn’t that banned by Ronald Reagan or something?”

Chen took a deep breath. “It’s just a problem in a book. You’re given acceleration, time and initial velocity, which is zero. What kinematic equation has these variables so that you can solve the problem?”

“Is it that one?” said DuBois pointing to some printing in the book.

“That’s the copyright notice for the book,” said Chen.

“Like whatever. Can’t you like solve this for me?” DuBois then licked her lips and batted her eyelashes. “I’d be like really, really grateful.”

“I can’t do that,” resisted Chen. “By solving these, you’re teaching yourself how to resolve problems systematically and methodically.”

DuBois took out a compact and checked her lipstick and makeup. “So like, do you think I could solve this like really soon? I’ve got to go shoe shopping with Heather McDonnell in a half hour.”

DuBois commented on the tutor sessions and her failure in grasping the material. “Like I was hoping Bryce would like do the problems for me. I’ve always like depended on the kindness of strangers…especially horny male strangers. Like take Chemistry last spring. My tutor Ryan Mauer was such a sweety. He like did all my homework for me and I got an A. I was even nice enough to let him buy me dinner at Ruth Chris. Bryce must be like gay or something. He won’t even do a cinescopic thingy for me. Like, what’s up with that! I’m only taking these classes because they like look really, really good on a resume. I mean like image is everything you know and I’m really hurting my image being seen with that gay Poindexter.”

When informed of DuBois’ comments, Chen said with a grin, “I think my rate just went up to $40 an hour.”

Poll: Who Should Replace Star Jones On The View?

Occasionally we like to conduct polls here at the BilgeBucket to see what people think about current events. Well, this week we polled citizens at the Cactus Corners Mall on who they think should replace Star Jones on The View. We found the results to be very surprising. Let’s go to the stats!