Sanjay Tandoori: The Movie

Greetings, citizens of America and Cactus Corners. It is pleasing me to no end that I am writing reviews of cinema for the BilgeBucket Gazette, the finest webzine in Cactus Corners. I am living in beautiful Bangalore, India with my pretty wife Sameera and our ten lovely children; six boys and four girls ranging from one year old to twelve years old. Bangalore is also known as the Silicon Valley of India for it's many high tech companies located here. Bangalore also has more than 90 cinema halls, which should make it easy for a person to see a movie. But, now that I am writing for the BilgeBucket, I am working four jobs. Taking in a movie is not an easy feat these days. Good Ganesh! I am one busy beaver! I am telling you what. My life would make a kick ass blockbuster summer movie.

Let me take you through a typical day for Sanjay Tandoori. I wake from a blissful two hour slumber to the sound of screams and cries from my ten lovely, screeching children. I quickly wake Sameera to deal with them. I spray copious amounts of cologne on my body, eat a couple of leftover dosa, down some coffee and head out the door. I drive my scooter to my day job as a programmer for DeccanSoftniks, a dynamic, synergetic software company providing bleeding edge solutions to the financial industry. Fortunately, the office is only about ten miles away near City Centre. I usually encounter several traffic jams and sometimes some accidents. Crikey! How I hate the traffic sometime! After breathing in dizzying amounts of gasoline fumes, I arrive at 7:00 am completely drenched with sweat and ready for work.

I chug several pots of coffee and then code intensely for six hours. Cowabunga, I am in a zone! I take a fifteen-minute break and eat my lunch, prepared lovingly by my wife, at my cubicle. Sameera usually packs a lunch of pulao, rice, chappatis, and a nice juicy pickle. Sweet Shiva! What a taste sensation! It is like a party in my mouth and all my taste buds are invited. Occasionally, my friend Mangesh, will stop by my cubicle and we will talk about computers, while drinking mug after mug of coffee. Soon we are buzzing like bees from all the caffeine. Then it is back to work until 6:00 pm. Sometimes I take a break at about 3:00 and urinate. Sometimes I actually do it in the rest room down the hall. Most of the time I use an old coffee can. Yabba-dabba-do! What a time saver!

I leave DeccanSoftniks at promptly 6:05 and motor five miles over to Dittmeier Software where I work as a call center agent for their fine line of computer video games. I receive various maddening phone calls from angry consumers who cannot get their software working on their piece of crap MicroDinks computers. Suffering Shazbat! That is a laugh riot! I love handling phone calls from geeky Americans whose only thrill in life is trying to score with a virtual hooker. This is how I met BilgeBucket columnist, Gomy Dinkman. He was calling me trying to get some tips on the video game, Nuke 'Em To Bloody Hell. He was desperate to make it with the female commando leader and he wanted to know if there were any hidden shortcuts to bed her. Between you, me and the lamppost, just hit Alt-Ctrl-Shift-F and you will score like Shahrukh Khan. But Mr. Gomy was being such a dick, I did not tell him. People who spend their whole lives playing video games really honk my horn, if you know what I mean. Everyone knows the purpose to life is working your fingers to the bone until you fall in a lifeless heap into a roadside ditch. Oh my Vishnu! What a loser! I eat dinner at around 9pm consisting of some kind of chicken tandoori (no relation), some dosa and a nice juicy pickle. After a life reaffirming eight hours, I hop back on my scooter and head home where I get to kiss my sleeping wife and children and jump into bed for two more fantastic hours of sleep. Then it is 6:00am again. Rinse, lather and repeat!

On weekends, I do get to live a little. I still work my day job at Deccan Softniks. However, Saturday nights are my night to get my groove thing on. Instead of going to my call agent job, I play sitar with my band The Anil Charmers. We are quite the dudes! We play at a little club on M.G. Road called The Holy Cow. We play many happening songs from rock's golden age, the 70's, like The Night Chicago Died, Run Joey Run, and Billy Don't Be A Hero. Our lead singer Anil Rajagopal, is Mr. Studmeister with the ladies. Women flock around the stage and throw their panties at him. Western decadence! How I love you! Afterwards, all the rock music and scantily clad babes make me hornier than a water buffalo in heat. I speed home on my scooter and have five minutes of mind-boggling sexcapades with Sameera. Then I fall back in exhaustion. Turn out the lights! Sweet slumber I have found you!

Sunday is reserved for my family, work around the house, and only six hours at the Dittmeier call center. I sleep in until 6:30am. I wake up and have a wonderful breakfast of potato dosas and coffee with my family. I play with the children for a good half hour. Then we pray to our gods until noon. Then Sameera gives me my honey-do list and I fix the various maladies which are attacking our home: leaking faucets, holes in the roof, scorpion or snake infestation. Before dinner, I do my writing for the Bilge Bucket. After a wonderful Sunday dinner, I am off to Dittmeier for my quick six-hour shift. Then I go back home for a whole six hours of sleep. I awake on Monday morning refreshed and ready for another week of fun and excitement.

Holy Hanuman! I almost forgot to give my movie reviews and I only have a paragraph left. I've only seen one movie in the past month. Girlfriend is oo-la-la hot. This film is about a lesbian relationship between Amrita Arora(hot) and Isha Koppikar(ultra-hot). There is no plot but who cares. Arora is getting it on with Koppikar! Oh how I have dreamt of this possibility! It made me so horny, I raced home after the movie and had ten minutes of mind-boggling sexcapades with my wife. I cannot wait for Girlfriend II.

Well there you have it citizens of Cactus Corners: my first movie review for you, the faithful readers of the BilgeBucket. I'd like to take this opportunity to be wishing America a Happy 228th Birthday. Thank you so much for all the jobs you are sending to our country. You are the greatest nation in the world...next to India of course.

So until next time, Sanjay has left the building! Hasta la vista baby! I'll be back! Keep your noses clean! The tribe has spoken and I am out of here!