Cheney Sez America Is Safer; Warns Of Terrorist Attacks

Vice President Dick Cheney said last week in a speech in Louisiana that there is no question that the Bush Administration has made America safer with its anti-terrorism policies.

"We are safer," said Cheney. "We are winning the war on terror. Fifteen months ago, Iraq was under the control of an evil dictator. Now Iraq is a sovereign country that answers only to President Bush and my neocon friends. We're providing jobs to the Iraqi people and most importantly, we're pumping oil so Americans can fill up their precious Hummers and SUVs."

Cheney then defended the Iraq War. "In the 1990's Saddam Hussein provided financial rewards to terrorists and was developing weapons of mass destruction. I should know. As CEO of Halliburton, I did business with him. I'm telling you, Al-Qaeda and Saddam were in cahoots. Besides we know all the terrorists' attacks are Bill Clinton's fault. Anyone who disagrees with my assessment, that means Michael Moore, Patrick Leahy and all your liberal friends, can go fuck yourself!"

"But we should also be weary of terrorists on the upcoming holiday weekend," Cheney continued. "We believe the terrorists could attack soon, anytime, anywhere. Big time. But make no mistake, we are safer, folks. Thanks to our color-coded safety chart. So feel free to drive your Hummers and SUVs. Be sure to fill up your tanks with lots of gasoline and enjoy your freedom. But be on the look out for any suspicious people, like that horseface, Osama loving, John Kerry. He hates America! So in a nutshell, be happy and live it up. But look out because danger lurks behind every corner."

Many in the audience felt reassured from Cheney's words. Lorraine Beasley said, "Mr. Cheney is right! We've got to go buy SUVs, drive them around and become even more dependent on Middle Eastern oil. If we don't, the terrorists win!"

John LeRue said, "Shoot. I was going to go fishing this weekend but now I'm so dang confused I don't know if I'm coming or going. I think I'll stay home and barricade myself inside my house. I wouldn't want John Kerry to find me. He hates America, you know."

Actor Clyde 'Moonface' McGee Dead At 85

Legendary actor Clyde 'Moonface' McGee died last week in his Hollywood home. The beloved thespian, known for his roles playing somber corporate professionals, was 85.

"The man was a living legend," said Melvin Farber, who co-starred with McGee in his most famous film, The Moonfaced Man. "He was a natural. The way he looked at you with that round moonface and his beady heartless eyes peering out at you behind those round wire spectacles. It just sent chills down your spine. He was the essence of corporate indifference."

"No one could play a cold hearted lawyer like ol' Moonface," said family friend Don Gerbling, who acted with McGee in The Shark in the Pinstripe Suit. "But in real life he wasn't like that at all. He was such a caring loving man who loved his wives and his children. He actually paid child support to half of his kids and he only stiffed three of his exes on alimony."

Moonface was married five times and had twenty children with seven different women. His most famous marriage to blond bombshell Marilyn Marvey lasted just ten days back in the fifties. "She broke his heart," said Gerbling. "He didn't really recover until a few days later when he shacked up with some whore from Tijuana. Juanita soothed his spirits... and bore him three kids. Then he dumped her for some 18 year old. That Moonface! What a nut!"

Hollywood Beat reporter Joel Tinsel said, "Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! This is such a tragedy! This man singlehandedly invented the corporate jackass! He was the man you loved to hate! Godspeed Moonface McGee! There will never be another one like you!"

Vice President Dick Cheney expressed deep remorse at McGee's passing. "He influenced me greatly when I was growing up. I patterned my demeanor after him. Look, I even got his lip snarl down pat. I'm going to miss that fucking sonuvabitch!"

"Wow, I can't believe he's dead," said fan Morris Spulnick. "Why just the other day I was asking my wife Doris what ever happened to that moonfaced guy who always played the asshole boss in all those movies. I hadn't seen him doing anything in years. It just goes to show ya, it can all be over just like that." He snapped his fingers, paused for a moment and continued. "Hey I wonder if the Simple Life is on yet? That Paris Hilton is hot!"

Frat Boys To Host Barf-fest 2004

Although most students are out of school for the summer, members of the ASU fraternity Beta Eta Pi, have announced an all holiday weekend party called Barf-fest 2004, which will last from Friday night until Monday night.

"This party's going to be bitchin', man", said Kyle Mobley, frat president. "We've got about twenty kegs lined up. We're going to get so shitfaced!"

Social director, Ken Foreman explained the premise behind Barf-fest 2004. "This is the par-tay of the summer! The goal of this par-tay will be to drink until you puke and then do it again. And again. And again! There's nothing funner than drinking until you're almost unconscious and then puking your guts out am I right?"

Many frat brothers agreed. Joey McDougal said, "It's such a blast to be completely blottoed and kneeling with your head in the toilet which someone probably used a few minutes before you to lay a herky dump. The smells of the toilet make you hurl even harder. We're talking chunks here! Gnarly dude! Let's parrrr-tayyyyyy!!"

The members of the sorority Kappa Nu Pi, also plan to join in the festivities. "There is nothing like more attractive to me than like a guy who's drunk off his ass and just tossed his cookies," said Tiffany Dolman. "The way his eyes are all wild, his skin is all pale, and little trails of hurl are dripping down his chin. That's like so sexy!

Dolman's sorority sister, Amber Huff concurred. "I love a man who can projectile vomit. Now that's a man I want to live the rest of my life with."

Barf-fest 2004 will conclude Monday evening with a rousing ceremony where frat members will blow off a little steam by forming naked human pyramids and wearing hoods while connecting their genitals to electrodes. Donald Rumsfeld and Rush Limbaugh will be guests of honor.

Patriotic Things To Do On Independence Day

It's July 4th and that means it's Independence Day in America. For Americans, this a day in which families get together with friends, have cookouts, go to concerts and watch fireworks displays in the night sky. But there are other things to do on this day of celebration. The BilgeBucket staff has come up with some alternative patriotic endeavors to try. Whatever you do, have a happy and safe July 4th.

	Open up a fireworks stand in front of the White House
	Join up with Will Smith and save the world from alien invaders
	Dress up like Uncle Sam, approach a hot babe and say "I want you!"
	Take Michael Savage's advice and go kill some Muslims
	Play 'Stars and Stripes Forever' repeatedly until you start having seizures
	Declare your independence...from high insurance rates by switching to Bluebeard Insurance (paid for by Bluebeard Insurance)
	If you're a woman, run around the neighborhood in a star-spangled bikini
	If you're a man, run around the neighborhood in a star-spangled bikini
	Eat some Uncle Sam's Cereal to ensure a regular July 4th
	If you're a Republican, hop on a horse, ride through the streets yelling, "John Kerry is coming! John Kerry is coming!"
	If you're not a Republican, go fuck yourself!! (paid for by the Dick Cheney)
	Stand on your lawn and serenade your neighbors by playing patriotic songs on your accordion
	Pray that God bless America... and America only
	Stick a feather in your cap and call it macaroni...whatever that means