Bush Blasts "Revisionists" Critics

President Bush blasted critics of the Iraq war calling them "revisionist historians" who have forgotten that Saddam Hussein was an evil dictator and a threat not just to America but to the entire world.

"I just don't understand these people! They're just trying to rewrite what has happened the last couple of years! Here is what happened, people, once and for all. Saddam Hussein, was behind the 9/11 bombings and was in cahoots with Osama Bin Laden. He tortured his own people and he had unholy "love shacks". He also tried to kill my daddy. So in a noble, Christian act of human...humanisar...good will to free the Iraqi people, we invaded Iraq. Unfortunately, Russia, Germany and France were only interested in Iraqi oil so they didn't support our fight for humanir...humanian...do gooding. Did I mention he tried to kill my daddy. We heard Saddam might have weapons of mass destruction but we certainly did not push the issue. Finally, I led our troops into battle aboard my fighter jet. We bombed Baghdad and triumphantly rode into Baghdad on tanks where millions of Iraqi cheered and welcomed us as liberators. Millions more gathered around as me and Don Rumsfeld brought down an evil statue of Saddam. Now Iraqi citizens are cooperating completely with us. We're all buddies! They are embracing the American way of life, putting up burger franchises, pumping oil and converting to Christianity as we speak."

Bush added, "Now I will be repeating this story everyday from now until the next election, so that it will become the truth. It is the patriotic duty of every American to do the same."

Citizen Harold Binksley said, "Now that you mention it. I do remember him flying some sort of jet. Wow! Our president's just like the one in Independence Day!"

"WMD? What WMD?" said giddy homemaker Ruth Winslow.

Cheney Undergoes Surgery

Vice-President Dick Cheney underwent emergency surgery last week where it was discovered that instead of having a heart pumping blood to the body, he possessed a small internal combustion engine pumping oil throughout his body.

"Wow! What a shocker!" said Chief Surgeon William H. Turgeson. "I was ready to perform open heart surgery and instead we had to call in a greasemonkey."

Cletus Schmuckey, chief mechanic at Capital Auto, performed the delicate operation. "It twern't nothing really. He was just a little low on oil and his spark plugs needed gappin'. That's all really."

President Bush held a press conference following the surgery where he pleaded with the American public. "People it is now vital that we drill for oil in the Arctic Wildlife Refuge and in our National Parks. Our vice-president's life depends on it. To not do so would be a terrorist attack against America and Dick Cheney."

Schmuckey added, "Shoot! If the president says we gots to drill, we gots to drill. You're never supposed to question the president."

Toddler Signs One Hundred Million Dollar Shoe Deal

In an unprecedented move, Nike announced that it just inked an athletic shoe deal with wunderkind playground phenom Austin Tyler worth one hundred million dollars.

"Austin is a superstar in the making no doubt about it," said Nike Vice-President of Marketing, Michael Jenkins. "This kid really makes things happen on the playground. I've never seen better form going down a slide. He is pure poetry in motion on the monkey bars. His teeter-totter prowess is second to none. His dismounts from jumping off the swing remind me of a leopard landing gracefully from a tree. He influences many of his chums on the playground. We feel it's never to soon to start brand loyalty and we want Austin performing his incredible feats in Nikes."

When asked about being the richest kid on the playground, five year old Austin said, "I gotta go wee-wee."

Reasons Why We Saw Charlie's Angels:Full Throttle

The BilgeBucket Gazette polled moviegoers about the main reason they went and saw Charlie's Angels:Full Throttle. Let's go to the stats!