Bush Announces New Iraq Strategy: Fight Ourselves

In response to the increasing violence in Iraq and the perceived stalling of the much vaunted surge, President Bush announced that he will not only arm the Iraqi insurgents to fight Al-Qaeda, he will instruct members of the U.S. Army to start fighting other divisions of America’s armed forces.

“See, it’s all very complicated,” explained Bush. “Basically, we’re our own worst enemy so we must fight ourselves if we’re going to win. It’s really complex and only a superior mentality like mine can comprehend its inner workings. But because I’m such an honest and open President, I’ll attempt to explain it to you peons. It’s kinda like that movie Fail-safe from the ‘60s, but not quite. We’re going to give arms to the insurgents and tell them to fight Al-Qaeda. Now there’s an outside chance that they might use those weapons against us, but that possibility is really, really slim. Are you following me, ‘cause I lost track already. Where was I? Oh yeah, we’re going to have like a war playoff: the Marines fight the Army and the Navy fights the Coast Guard. Then the winners there will take on the winners of the Al-Qaeda-Sunni-Shiite-Insurgent war. It’s like March Madness Iraqi style. Heh-heh.”

Arizona Senator John McCain backed the new strategy. “This is a brilliant strategy. Brilliant, I tells ya! We must kill ourselves to show the terrorists that we want democracy for their country. When they see that we’re willing to fight ourselves just like they’re doing, they’ll throw down their guns, hug each other, establish a democratic government and I’ll win the presidency in 2008. Yes. It will happen just that way.”

Independent senator Joe Lieberman also supported the President’s strategy. “How exciting!” whined Lieberman. “I know exciting and believe me, this is even better than the Surge and my Joementum last fall when I won reelection to the Senate! But why stop with fighting ourselves. Let’s have another round where the winner of the Al-Qaeda-Insurgent war and the U.S. Armed Forces takes on Iran. And while we’re at it let’s open up another bracket for Hamas and Fatah, since they’re already fighting. Then let’s get Pakistan and India in on the act. Then maybe North and South Korea. Oh, and Taiwan and China. Why we could escalate this into a … World War. How very exciting!”

Americans had mixed reactions to the new strategy. Dr. Phillip Caison of Baltimore, Maryland said, “I may only be a MIT educated computer engineer, but this plan seems completely…ummm…what’s the word I’m looking for…oh yes…completely INSANE! How much incompetence are we going to put up with before we impeach this yokel and his court of fools?”

Rosalyn Clifton of Atkinson, Missouri said, “I can’t worry about this. Paris Hilton just got released from prison. Now that’s real news!”

Stan Brown of Maxwell, South Dakota said, “Well, I believe we have to fight ourselves over there so we don’t fight ourselves over here.”

Fall TV Season: All Commercials

Recently, ABC announced that is was going to create a sitcom this fall about the cavemen from the popular Geico commercials. It didn’t take long for the other networks to follow along like lemmings and announce that they too will broadcast shows featuring characters from popular television commercials. As a matter of fact, the whole fall schedule is now devoted to shows based on commercial characters.

“This is an amazing development,” said Brantly A. Burke, assistant programming exec for Fox. “Eight years ago, Who Wants to Be a Millionaire ushered in the era of prime time game shows. Then Survivor started the reality show trend which spawned dozens of copycat shows. Well, the new wave is here and its TV shows about commercial characters! What better way to produce revenue for the network than a half hour or hour long commercial. This will be revolutionary! We already have infomercials, which are quasi-entertainment. Why not take the next step and create entire sitcoms which are not only crowd pleasing but also sell a product. It’s rampant commercialism on steroids.”

Geico struck it rich by not only getting a sitcom about the cavemen but also a sitcom featuring celebrity spokesmen Verne Troyer, Peter Graves and Little Richard as door to door insurance salesmen and another sitcom featuring the Geico Gecko and his adventures in modern day London.

“It’s really not all that surprising,” said the Geico Gecko in his trademark cockney accent. “People like to be entertained and they find me adorable. Why not have me on more frequently? It’s like if someone offers you free pie and chips. You’re not going to turn down free pie and chips. It’s pie...and chips...for free. Stop me if you’ve heard this before.”

Burke expounded more about the shows. “Now the whole show won’t be one big sales pitch. There will be some semblance of a plot. But there will be subtle product placement and discussion of the product sprinkled liberally throughout the show. For instance, here’s a sample of dialog from the show featuring Little Richard and Peter Graves."

Graves: Wow! I’m wiped out. I’m too old to be a door-to-door insurance salesman.

Little Richard: Wooooooooo! I sure hope you have Geico Life Insurance in case you drop dead. Woooooooooo!

Graves: You bet I do! And boy is it affordable!

“See,” said Burke. “Very subtle.”

Examples of some new shows this fall include:

• Those five knuckleheads from the Alltel commercials battling each other every week in Sell Phone
• Those wise-acre stand-up comedians from the Sierra Mist ads working, living and laughing together in Play Sierra Misty for Me
• The Burger King buys an RV and travels the backroads of America creeping out people from all walks of life in Burger King of the Road
• The return of the Taco Bell Chihuahua in Yo Quiero Mindless Entertainment
• The Mentos kids starring as MacGyver-like adventurists, who get in and out of trouble each week in a different location around the world thanks to their unlimited supply of Mentos in Have Mentos, Will Travel

The American viewing public seemed very receptive to the new wave of programming. Robin Weller of Boston, Massachusetts said, “Wow! This promises to be very entertaining! It should keep my interest for at least thirty seconds. Oh look. A fly. Bzzzzzzzz. What were we talking about?”

Peter Johnson of Lake Pleasant, New York said, “What a perfect marriage of entertainment and commerce. Being a typical American consumer, I look forward to buying any product that is pushed in front of my face and placing myself in even more debilitating debt.”

Barry Bealle of Jackson, Kentucky said with a glazed look in his eye, “Can’t talk. Must find T.V.”

EPA To Protect Industry From Wetlands

The Environmental Protection Agency decided last week to provide guidelines that support legislation that will protect industries and future development from the terror that is wetlands.

EPA spokesman, J. Tyler Whittingham III, who is also head of Whittingham Industries, said, “This is a victory for everyone. The new guidelines will make it clear that in order to be classified as a wetland, it has to be clearly connected to a navigable tributary. These so called ‘intermittent’ streams that these so called ‘environmentalists’ are crying about, aren’t wet people. There’s no water in them most the time, so developers can use this land to build new shopping centers that Americans need so desperately. Besides, all kinds of creepy, crawly things live in wetlands. They’re like terrorists. So in the interest of national security, we must stomp out these hotbeds of terrorists activities before it’s too late.”

Vice President Cheney praised the new rules. “These new guidelines are paramount to protecting America’s poor, starving industries from the evil encroachment of terrorist loving wetlands and wilderness which threaten our God given rights to make profits at any and all costs. Yes, we are truly on the road to having concrete from coast to coast. God Bless America and God Bless me!”

Earth Defenders spokesperson, Linda Dawson, said, “This is an outrage! These rules put in jeopardy many of the intermittent streams that now fall under the Clean Water Act. Nearly 60% of America’s stream miles are intermittent. You’re talking about taking away wilderness that is vital for birds as they use these areas for nesting. These wetlands are unique ecologies and this policy does nothing to clarify that they will be protected.”

President Bush dismissed the criticism and praised the new guidelines. “You green, green lima beans! I’m on your side people. The EPA is doing a heckuva job! And so am I! Why just recently, I told the world about the problem that is global warming. I’m not only a war President, I’m an environmental President. I fully plan to keep my promise of no net loss of wetlands...as long as it’s convenient to the chemical, coal and oil industries.”

Ten Commandments For Drivers

The Vatican this past week issued, for some reason, ten commandments for drivers. According to a Vatican spokescardinal, these commandments will provide a guideline for people so as to prevent them from following their natural urges and driving into a ditch. While the rest of America’s newpapers have published what they say is the ten commandments of driving, the crack BilgeBucket staff uncovered the real driving ten commandments, which was hidden in the popemobile’s glove compartment. Yep. We’re going to hell in a hand basket.

	Thou shalt driveth 55eth
	Thou shalt not talketh on thy cell phone while driving
	Thou shalt not flippeth the bird to other drivers even though they cut you off in rush hour traffic
	Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s popemobile
	Thou shalt car dance only to Gregorian Chants and not that catchy but sinful Night at the Roxbury song
	Thou shalt not putteth thy makeup on while driving, especially if you’re a man
	Thou shalt not driveth while drinking wine from the sacristy
	Thou shalt not driveth with one of those annoying Garfield suction cup toys plastered on your rear window
	Thou shalt not engageth in sexual congress while driving with your significant other or altar boy
	Thou shalt not weareth thy pope hat in a high speed convertible