Bush Sells Missile Defense to Europe

President Bush visited Europe this past week selling the European community on his controversial Missile Defense plan.

Dressed in white belt , white shoes, plaid pants, a checkered sportcoat, a wide-lapeled lime green shirt and wide Boeing embossed tie, Bush addressed other leaders of NATO nations in Brussels, Belgium. Bush, said "This missile defense system is a state-of-the-art dynamo. It's got lasers and all sorts of fancy gizmos. It's got great gas mileage, purrs like a kitten and was only driven by a little old president back in the 80's on Sunday." Bush then flashed his charming Texas grin, "Yep, this little baby will sure turn peoples heads when you take it out for a spin."

When French President, Jacques Chirac expressed concern over the system, Bush said, "Now hold on there Frenchy. We saved your ass back in the big one WWII. We gave you Jerry Lewis. You owe us."

When German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder noted that the system cost too much and the technology was unproven, Bush chortled and said, "Now calm down there Sgt. Schultz. We've got a financing plan that is second to none. And this technog...techlog...stuff is proven. My daddy and Uncle Dick said it works and they never lie."

Other leaders protested that the missile defense system would abrogate the 1972 ABM Treaty, Bush whined, "It's time to upgrade to a newer model, people. That ABM thingy is like an Edsel. This missile defense system is like a shiny new K-car."

Bush closed his speech by asking the assembled leaders, "Gentleman, what can I do to put you in one of these babies today?"

Bush Twins To Pitch Budweiser

The Anheuser-Busch Brewery announced that President Bush's twin daughters, Jenna and Barbara will be the new spokespersons for Budweiser Beer.

"We feel these young ladies represent our target audience: the under age college student who's dying to get stewed," said CEO Bill Blattner. "We figure we get 'em hooked in college, they're ours for life."

Jenna Bush responded "This is like so cool. I'm going to get so shitfaced."

Blattner announced that the twins would receive all the beer they wanted while they attend college, plus back stage passes to all Backstreet Boys, N'Sync, and Ricky Martin concerts.

"I just adore Ricky Martin", giggled Barbara as she sucked on a longneck. Bottle of Bud, that is.

President Bush, speaking from the Oval Office, expressed support for his daughters new employment. "Budweiser's a very good beer. Nothing got me intoxunda...intuxisa... drunk quicker than a six pack of Buds. I remember drinking many a tall, frosty, delicious cold ones. Yes, sir. Tall... Frosty..." The President then licked his lips, excused himself and rushed into a nearby closet. The sound of a pop-top was heard followed by a drawn out "Ahhhhh".

Former president Bill Clinton has also expressed interest in being a Budweiser spokesperson with the Bush twins.

Devil Rays Sign Pitching Chimp

In an effort to increase lagging attendance and possibly win a few ball games, the Tampa Bay Devil Rays signed a pitching chimp from the Cincinnati Zoo named Lester to a one-year contract.

"We feel Lester will provide us with a lively arm and an intense competitive spirit" said General Manager, Chuck LaMar, in a press conference last week. "Oh, and he'll probably bring fans into this graveyard some people call a ballpark."

"He can really pitch," said first baseman Fred McGriff. "That is when he's not roaming the field throwing his feces."

Catcher, Mike DeFelice has been assigned to be Lester's roommate on the road. "I'm looking forward to partying with him. Nothing says 'Chick Magnet' like a chimp."

Devil Rays manager Hal McRae just shook his head and mumbled, "God! Where the hell's my gun! Will someone just put one between my eyes for me!"

Tampa Bay's gambit has apparently paid off. Tickets sales are up almost 1% for the rest of the season.