Oh my God! I can’t believe how unbelievably beautiful little Shiloh Nouvel is! She’s much more beautiful than any other celebrity baby out there; especially that over hyped Suri Cruise. Honestly, if I hear one more thing about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, I think I’m going to puke. Now Shiloh’s got her own domain name and she’s already a millionaire off of baby picture sales. God, people are such saps! I wish she had Brad’s lips though instead of mine. My nipples are killing me!
Sponsors
Bush Responds To Haditha Massacre; Sponsors Anti-Gay Marriage Amendment
President Bush quickly responded to the alleged massacre of civilians by Marines in Iraq by sponsoring the passing of an anti-gay marriage bill in Congress. Republican legislators joined
the President in pushing strongly for the passing of legislation that would outlaw same sex marriage.
“People it is vital that I ignore what happens in Iraq, unless a member of Al-Qaeda is killed, and instead focus my attention on the evil that truly threatens to tear this country to
shreds,” said Bush. “No, it’s not immigration. That is so last week. No, the burning issue that I speak of, that is more repugnant than slavery, is gay marriage. If we don’t stop
gay marriage now, soon people will be marrying goats, dogs, cars, television sets, mailboxes and anything else they may see on an everyday basis. Gays threaten the American way
of life... that is, except Mary Cheney. She’s a good lesbo.”
Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum, supported the President. “Sure we as a nation are facing many problems in the world: the Iraq War continues on even as Iraq disintegrates into
civil war; gas prices continue to climb; the deficit is out of control; immigrants threaten our border; many members of Congress are being investigated for unethical behavior,
the people in New Orleans and the Gulf Coast region still need help with hurricane season approaching and affordable health care is a joke. But these all pale in comparison to
gay marriage...and flag burning. If gays are allowed to marry and then burn the flag, can Armageddon be far behind?”
Christina Leandro of Worldwatch International said. “This is so typical of this administration. Instead of handling the issues that are real problems, they divert attention
to a minor issue that will please their narrow base. Haditha is a nightmare that needs to be addressed. Our soldiers need to be building a good rapport with the Iraqis.
Losing our cool and killing innocent civilians is not the way to ease tensions and win the hearts and minds of the people. Iraq is facing civil war and our troops are
going to be caught in the middle. We need an exit strategy now.”
However the media ignored any criticism and applauded the President’s move. “What a bold, manly initiative by President Bush,” said Chris Matthews, host of MSNBC's Hardball. “I tell you one thing. If
gay marriage wasn’t so wrong, I wouldn’t mind marrying this fellow. You just have to like him, unless you’re an un-American wacky liberal. Boy, are those people nuts are
what? We just got Zarqawi and they want an exit strategy. We can’t leave. We’re on a roll, baby!”
Televangelist, Jerry Falwell, said, “Praise the Lord! The President is right! There is no more important issue at hand than gay marriage and eradicating those vile, Satanic, Teletubby loving freaks
from the face of the earth. And by giving us this bone, we televangelists will guarantee that our sheeple will vote Republican this fall.”
Sean Hannity of Fox News said, “There’s only one place that gays belong: isolated in some kind of camp, away from the rest of society. While we’re at it, why don’t we throw the liberals, the
environmentalists, the smartsy-fartsy scientists and all those other free thinkers in, too? That’ll teach them to question our Godly President!”
Hannity’s co-host, Alan Colmes piped up and muttered, “Well, gee, Sean. I’ve...ummmm...got to disagree with you there. I believe we’re facing much more important issues...”
Colmes was then cold cocked by Hannity and fell limply to the ground.
“What a pussy!” proclaimed Hannity. “I need a new liberal co-host. Is a bowl of jello available?” Hannity then laughed heartily as he kicked Colmes in the ribs.
President Bush closed out his commentary by saying, “Terror, terror, terror! 9/11, 9/11, 9/11! God Bless America only!”
Oil Industries Provide Americans Much Needed T.V. At Gas Pumps
America’s oil industries responded to heavy criticism from consumers about their record profits amidst high gas prices by a filling a much needed void; installing televisions at gasoline pumps.
William K. Rutherford, CEO of Conalot Oil, which posted a record $5 kajillion profit this past year said, “Many liberals have accused us of being out of touch with the ‘people’. But we’ve heard what
the ‘people’ have said and now we’re sharing our profits by...are you ready for this...upgrading our gasoline pumps with televisions. Now Joe Blow can watch Desperate Housewives or American Idol
while he’s fueling his sport utility vehicle. This will no doubt bring much happiness to the common man. We’ve listened and now we’re providing much needed relief to the consumer in the form
of pump-side entertainment. Don’t tell us we don’t know what the ‘people’ want.”
Jenny Tyler of the grassroots conservation group, Citizens for Change, was aghast. “The oil companies say they’re not out of touch with the people and then they prove how much they are with this action! The people
want lower gas prices! They want some relief in their wallet. They want alternative fuels so they’re not so dependent on foreign oil. They want public transportation infrastructure so they have other alternatives
for traveling from point A to point B. The last thing the American people need is more TV.”
President Bush dismissed any criticism. “This is the perfect marriage of compassionate conservatism and trickle down economics. The generous oil companies just give and give and give and give. I mean TVs at every pump!
That’s fantastic! If I were a normal, freedom loving American who hated terrorism, I would be jumping for joy that I get to watch Deal or No Deal, Dr. Phil or one of the President’s mesmerizing, patriotic
speeches while I’m filling my gas guzzling, American made SUV or Hummer with precious gasoline. Reaganomics works! Good things do trickle down from us who have to the rest of you guys who don’t have squat.”
People had mixed opinions about the move. Freida Jackson of Garden Grove, California said, “I don’t see how this helps. A cut in gas prices would be a lot more beneficial to me since I’ve got to drive fifty miles to work each
day and filling up the car is killing me. I’m barely making ends meet as it is. On the other hand, I won’t miss a moment of Hell’s Kitchen. I just love to hate that chef!”
Terry Fielder of Detroit, Michigan said, “Well, I guess its okay. But only if there’s a remote at the pump, too. I can’t watch television without a remote. Oh, and there’s got to be a fridge right there, too. I need some beer while I’m watching the tube.
And I should be able to watch porn channels, too. I can’t get enough of that stuff!”
Frank Munce of Dale, Texas said, “Hot damn! This is great! I don’t gots a car. I don’t even gots a place to live exceptin’ that box outside the Hardees. But leastin’ now I gets to watch TV like fancy folk. George W. Bush truly is the bestest president ever!”
Hurricane Season Begins; Storm Chaser Craving First ‘Big One’
June typically marks the start of the hurricane season and one Cactus Corners individual is excited about the start of it; a little too excited. Self-proclaimed storm chaser, Justin Beiler of the Cactus Heights subdivision,
is so eager about the upcoming season, he’s literally craving a big destructive hurricane to occur right off the bat.
“Oh man this is so exciting,” said Beiler. “I just can’t wait for the destruction man! Whooooooooieeee!” Beiler leapt in the air, started jumping on the couch and pumped his fists like Tom Cruise. “I’m watching the Weather Channel and monitoring weather.com constantly. If there’s a hurricane brewing,
I want to be the first to know about it.” Beiler then became distracted by an ad for a show about tornadoes on the Weather Channel. “Oh man! The World’s Deadliest Tornados! I am so there!”
After guzzling a can of Red Bull, Beiler continued. “I can’t explain it. I just love storms. I just love destruction and mayhem. I watch all those fast action movies and disaster movies. I don’t know how many times I saw The Day After Tomorrow.
Oh and Towering Inferno, Poseidon Adventure and Twister; absolutely orgasmic man. I was so disappointed Alberto only became a tropical storm. I was kinda hoping that it would be at least a category 3. With the Gulf coast in shambles, oh man, that would have created pure chaos!”
Beiler’s few friends find his obsession with hurricanes and storms disturbing. Jarod Thomas said, “Justin’s weird. I mean he’s salivating watching people’s houses getting blown to bits and losing everything they own. I mean during Katrina last year, he was glued to the TV actually cheering when debris
would fly past the cameras. He’s like the Crocodile Hunter for storms, know what I’m saying.”
Len Jones said, “Yo! I ain’t no friend! That boy’s callous and cold bolded. I had friends who lost everything in Hurricane Katrina and he’s dancing on the table like JLo, watching the levees flood. I’ve never seen such schadenfreude. But he’s got X-Box and I don’t. Know what I’m saying.”
Denise Fleming said, “Wow! I can’t believe I actually dated him for two months. He’s like so creepy! He’s got posters and postcards of destruction from hurricanes and tornados on his walls. He has a Saffir-Simpson scale plastered above
his headboard. He’s even got snapshots of a ruined house from Hurricane Andrew in his wallet. How can somebody be so happy about devastation? He’s such a jerk! I’ve got to go now. I’m going to see The Fast and The Furious 3:Tokyo Drift. There’s supposed to be some awesome car crashes and explosions and stuff in this one, like, know what I’m saying.”
Beiler defended his ‘callous’ manner. “Oh come on! I’m no different from any other storm chaser. Storms have an awesome kind of beauty man! Take the fearsome spectacle of a tornado funnel as it dances across the plains: sheer deadly beauty! I mean look at the perfection of the spiral of the hurricane arm.
That Rita spiral was unbelievable and Katrina...what a babe! We don’t get storms here in the desert. Sure we get haboobs which are really cool when they come in and look like they’re going to devour a city, but they there’s hardly any destruction. All bark no bite. Which actually is okay, because I don’t get hurt. Now hurricanes and tornados... that’s
what I’m talking about! Know what I’m saying!”
Beiler’s mother, Beatrice, dismissed his fascination with demolition and ruin. “Oh, boys will be boys. Sure he’s twenty seven years old, still living at home, not lifting a finger around the house and still working at Burger King. Sure, he dresses all in black and has skull, devil and pentagram tattoos all over his body . But...he’s such a blessing.”
She then poured herself a glass of whiskey and gulped it down. “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! That helps!”
Beiler’s computer then started to beep. “Awesome! I just got an update from weather.com. Could it be Hurricane Beryl coming to life? Boooooyaaaahhhhhh!”
Top Alternative Summer Destinations For 2006
It’s summer time again and all over the nation, people are looking for activities to fill their days as students take their summer break and adults take their families on vacations. One of the great things about America is that there are tons of
things to do and off beat places to visit. Just like last year, the staff here at the BilgeBucket has come up with some out the way destinations to visit for this year. So pack up the kids and put the dogs in a kennel. We’re going road trippin’!
For more strange attractions, go to Roadside America.
World’s Tallest Rusted Vehicle Pile near Allentown, Pennsylvania
The Rockville, Indiana Tire Fire (now in its 23rd year)
Dow Chemical’s Pond of Mystery, Piscataway, New Jersey
Texas Chainsaw Massacre Amusement Park, Sanguine Springs, Texas
World’s Largest Amoeba Statue, Gary, Indiana
Grandpa Wally’s Liquor Bottle Village, Big Little Horn, Montana
Grosse Margine, Michigan; Birthplace of Accounting
World’s Largest Zit on Megan Roberts’ forehead, Irvine, California (Oh my God! It’s like so huge!)
Tom Delay’s Money Laundering Factory, Sugarland, Texas
