Jayson Blair To Be New Press Secretary

In a bold move, the White House announced this week that Jayson Blair, the disgraced reporter recently dismissed from the New York Times for plagiarism will be the new Press Secretary for the Bush Administration.

"This guy can really tell some whoppers," said President Bush. "That's just what we need here. Someone who can faberc...fabritic...lie and keep a straight face."

"Not only that, he's black. That gives us three, count 'em, three high profile black people in our administration. Condi, Colin and now Jayson. We're pert near all black. I've got the 2004 black vote locked up." The president then snickered and chortled to himself for five minutes.

Blair was chosen over the runner up, Iraq's Former Information Minister, Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf. Administration officials said the only reason he didn't get the job is that his whereabouts are unknown at this time.

"Oh, we wanted him bad," said chief of staff Andy Card. "I mean that Baghdad schtik was priceless. 'There are no Americans in Baghdad'. That had us rolling! And he said it with a straight face! He would have been perfect. But we feel with a little coaching from Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld, Jayson can do the job."

In a related story, Ari Fleischer took over as New York Times executive editor filling the job once performed by Howell Raines. "I plan to bring integrity and truth back to this paper," said Fleischer with a straight face.

Democrats Submissively Roll On Tax Cuts

Several Democrats in the Senate did a submissive roll this past week which allowed President Bush's Tax Cut to pass and become a reality.

Tom Daschle and Joe Lieberman started speaking out against the bill saying that it was nothing more than a tax cut for the rich. When several Republican Senators accused the Democrats of playing class warfare, Daschle and Lieberman fell on the ground, laid on their backs and started rolling around like submissive cats, apologizing for speaking against the President.

Republican Senator Trent Lott said, "Geesh! I knew the Democrats were pussies but this is ridiculous."

Several other Democratic Senators were seen wallowing around. John Edwards hit the floor like an epileptic as did Ben Nelson, John Breaux and Zell Miller. John Kerry started rolling, got up and started to object but then dropped to floor and started rolling again.

Senator John McCain noted, "They've been doing that a lot lately. All a Republican has to do is clear his throat and they all go belly up."

Agnes Johnson, a Democratic congressional observer lamented, "Looks like Bush is going to be president until 2008. God help us all!"

Ashcroft To Wiretap Prayers

In his latest attempt to halt terrorism in its tracks, Attorney General John Ashcroft has announced a plan to wiretap prayers to determine possible plots against the United States.

"Our scientists have made a breakthrough in prayer technology that will enable us to intercept evil prayers from evil doers and bring them to justice," said Ashcroft. "We've built a device that will allow us to monitor all prayers from all American people no matter what religion they may be. We can determine to which God they are praying and for what they are praying."

Ashcroft then gave an example. "Let's say Mohammed Muslim starts praying to Allah and asks him to destroy the United States. Our agents can intercept the evil prayer, trace it back to its sender and have him locked up in Guantanomo Bay before you can say Jesus Christ."

Ashcroft then added, "But don't say Jesus Christ. It's a sin to take the Lord's name in vain."

When asked if this was an invasion of personal privacy and freedom of religion, Ashcroft retorted angrily, "Look! George Bush and I are tight with God. We are doing his work! He wants us to win and the only way to win is by monitoring the minds of every single American and make sure they have no evil thoughts against the Bush Administration."

Local Busybody Thinks Everyone Is Gay

Local gossiper extraordinaire, Wilma Van Dyke, is convinced that everyone in today's world is gay.

"Oh there is just no question about it," said Van Dyke, 45, as she people watched while sipping a coffee at Cactus Corners Café. "Take Jason, who is the manager of this café. He's thirty five, skinny and he's not married. Gay as the month of May!"

"Then there's Mike Hurley over at CC's Fine Grocery. Have you seen the way he flips his hand when he's stacking cans. What a dainty boy he is!"

"And how about Dex Rexter over at the BilgeBucket Gazette. What a flamer!"

Wilma also thinks that high profile celebrities and politicians are also blatantly homosexual. A sampling of Wilma's opinions:

Ben Affleck: "Gay. Sure he married Jennifer Lopez, but she's just a beard for him. How come he's always palling around with Matt Damon. Because he wants him. He wants him bad!"

Bill Clinton: "He ignores his wife Hillary and that Monica thing was all about the cigars he smokes. And we all know what cigar smoking means. Oh he's a zippity-doo-dah."

Colin Farrell: "Womanizer my ass. It's a smokescreen. Did you see the looks he gave Al Pacino in that last movie? What a rump ranger he is!"

Shaquille O'Neal: "Please. All athletes are gay. They take showers together and pat each other on the ass. 'Nuff said."

Rick Santorum: "He doth protest too much. Gaaaaayooooo!"

Surprisingly, Wilma is still single with no prospects, male, female or otherwise.