Bush, Cheney Call Abuse Allegations Absurd, Absurd, Absurd

Last week, President Bush vehemently condemned a recent report by Amnesty International which claims that the United States is guilty of gross violations of human rights in it’s detention of terror suspects in Guantanamo Bay in Cuba. The report compared the United States treatment of prisoners to that of a Soviet-era Gulag.

“Allegations of abuse are just absurd,” said Bush. “There is no way that Gitmo is like a Soviet goulash. It’s just absurd. I mean it’s cold in Russia. It’s hot in Gitmo. See? It’s completely different. Of course having it hot works to our advantage when we sweat out the info from the prisoners there. That Amnesty International is way off there. They’re absurd. I mean who are Amnesty International anyway? I’m serious: I don’t know who they are. I’m not sure what amnesty are either. Where’s Uncle Dick or Condi? A little help here. Have I mentioned I think that report is absurd? Let me repeat it a couple hundred times until it sinks into America’s collective consciousness.”

Vice President Dick Cheney also emerged from his undisclosed bunker to address the abuse claim. “It’s just absurd. I’m just so offended, I may get misty. These people who made these claims are obviously America haters. Haven’t they heard? The United States government under my leadership is beyond reproach. We represent freedom in the world. We freed the Iraqi people and freely interrogated them the way we wanted to at Abu Ghraib prison. The Iraqi people greeted us as liberators. Everybody in the world loves us and our standing in the world has never been higher. There are fewer terrorists in the world and the economy has never been better. This is without a doubt, America’s Golden Age. These Amnesty International people are obviously out of touch with reality. They’re just absurd.”

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld also commented on the report. “Well I think it’s just absurd. Absurd, Absurd, Absurd! I’ve never seen such an absurd report in my whole absurd career and believe you me, I’ve seen some pretty absurd things in my absurd career. Like that whole absurd Watergate-Deep Throat-Mark Felt thing. Absurd! The very notion that Richard Nixon was a power hungry crooked politician is just absurd!”

Cheney then peformed his famous Republican mind tricks on the press and changed the subject to other issues like the filibuster debate and the controversial confirmation of John Bolton as United Nations ambassador. “The Democrats opposition to the filibuster is just absurd. They’re in the minority. Forget the fact that when Republicans were in the minority, the filibuster saved our bacon. We’re in charge now and will be forever and ever. The opposition to John Bolton is also absurd.” Cheney then paused and waved his hands over the crowd of reporters. “John Bolton is the candidate you want as U.N. Ambassador. Look at no one else because he’s the one you’re looking for. He will be approved by a landslide.”

Other noted Republicans also called the Amnesty International report absurd including Condoleezza Rice, John Bolton, Bill Frist, Anton Scalia, Clarence Thomas, Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity, Fox News, Richard Nixon, Joe Lieberman, The Mormon Tabernacle Choir and President Bush’s dog Barney.

White House Endorses Biblical Explanation For Grand Canyon

In what is considered to be a complete surrender to religious right extremists, the Bush White House completely endorsed a biblical explanation for the Grand Canyon and wants to quickly phase out all other theories on how the great chasm came into existence. The White House also wanted to push an ‘intelligent design’ agenda into schools eventually eliminating the teaching of evolution.

“I’ve discussed this matter with the Big Guy and he agrees with me,” said President Bush. “We have to put an end to the teaching of evolution by these smartsy fartsy liberal thinkers once and for all. Men from apes! That’s just absurd. Do I look like some sort of smirking chimp to you?”

Reverend Delbert Dillman of the Third Evangelical Church of The Apocalypse said, “We’re very excited that we finally have the chance for truth to prevail in the world instead of the unfounded science touted by so called scientists today. The scientific community wants to force Americans to believe in evolution. They want to shove it down our throats. This is so completely wrong. We believe that the only people who can force beliefs down people’s throats is the religious community.”

Paul J. Bryan, head researcher at the Revelations School of Truthful Science said, “Evolution is just a theory. Through work at our institute we’ve discovered that the Grand Canyon is not millions of years old like evolutionists would have you believe, but is in fact just a few thousand years old and created during Noah’s flood. Dinosaurs lived not millions of years ago like evolutionists would have you think, but actually lived side by side with early humans. Humans probably used them for doing laborious work like building pyramids and buildings much like the Flintstones. As a matter of fact, we think the Flintstones is a pretty accurate portrayal of early life for man. Dinosaurs weren’t the monsters as depicted in Jurassic Park. They were playful and harmless pets like Dino.”

Senator Rick Santorum of Pennsylvania supported the institute’s findings and wants to have them taught side by side with evolution in schools. “If schools do not include intelligent design in the new teaching standards, many students will be denied a first-rate science education. Many will be left behind. And I won’t be re-elected by my wacky Christian Fundamentalist electorate.”

Bryan added, “We feel that the events in the Bible are accurate and are not just Judeo Christian myths and stories written down by Bronze-Age peasants. No these stories are accurate and with some creative manipulation, the science of today can be folded, spindled and mutilated to support the stories of the Bible. If the evolutionists would stop thinking logically and start reading only the Bible, then they too might become enlightened. Remember; if you read one book, make it the Bible!”

People had mixed reactions to the announcement. Jerry Swoboda of Cambridge, Massachusetts, said, “This is unbelievable! I’m a grad student in geology. I know science and I know what the geological evidence says about the history of the earth. And you’re telling me that some bible-thumpers who feel threatened are dictating policy and trying to inform me the Grand Canyon was created by a worldwide flood two thousand years ago. I say what are you smoking and where can I get some!”

Mildred Moller of Pebble Noggin, Mississippi, said, “Evolution just doesn’t give me the same warm fuzzy that creationism, ...oops...intelligent design, gives me. Just don’t be curious about anything and you’ll be so much happier. Ignorance truly is bliss.”

Mike Ellerby of Dewy Meadows, Maryland, said, “Well of course I believe that Noah’s flood really happened and that Noah built an ark that could hold the millions of species of animals that exist on Earth and that no animal ate any of the other animals during that whole forty day, forty night time span. I also believe that there’s a whole micro-world of leprechauns living on my hairy ass.”

String Quartet Concert Becomes Bloody Melee

Last week at Cactus Corners Concert Hall and Flea Market, concertgoers erupted into an all out riot, when the Dickie Dithers String Quartet started playing Mozart. What began as mild moshing turned into a gory, bloody spectacle, injuring several people.

“I couldn’t believe what I was seeing,” said Dithers cellist, Ken Moody. “I’ve played some pretty exciting gigs in some pretty rough neighborhoods like Watts in L.A. and Harlem in New York, but this was unbelievable.”

The quartet started the evening playing some selections from Vivaldi. After playing The Four Seasons, the quartet played some Bach and then some Strauss. The audience warmed up and increasingly got more into the music as the evening wore on. Several people started dancing. Then the Dithers quartet broke into Mozart and the uprising commenced.

“Yo, wazzzzzzup!” said Dithers fan, R King Doggy Style. “Dig it. Dithers was screwing with Vivaldi but they started kicking it with String Quartet In D Major, K.155: Molto Allegro. Man, we just went crazy. I got a love jones for Molto Allegro, know what I’m saying. Its so dope! Then they fashizzled right into Eine Kleine Nachtmusik. We was twurking and moshing all over the place. Next thing we know, some cat was getting jiggy with this ho and all these putos started going Mike Tyson on each other’s asses. It was wack!”

Before the night was over, several people, including a couple security guards, had to be hospitalized for knife wounds. The flea market was demolished. Even some crazed senior citizens from Cactus Gallows Retirement Home jumped on stage and destroyed Moody’s cello, smashing it to bits on one of the amplifiers. Fortunately, the Dithers quartet managed to escape unscathed.

“That sucks that I lost my cello,” said Moody. “I’ve had it since I was a freshman at Manual Padilla’s School of Classical Music and Toaster Repair. It was like a friend to me.” Moody teared up and paused to regain composure. “But at least we didn’t get hurt. I guess that’s the important thing.”

Activist Robin Forst was aghast at what happened. “This is just another example of violence related to classical music. These string quartet concerts are nothing but trouble. They are a riot waiting to happen. Why can’t the world listen to the soothing tones and back beats of rap and hip hop? There is so much wisdom in 50 Cent’s words and music. The world would be a much more productive place if we all just put on a relaxing Outkast CD and listened to its peaceful melodies and lyrics. ‘Before I shoot your ass and dilute your gut with lead, From my hollow clips, I'll send you to an early grave’. If that’s not comforting, then I don’t know what is.”

The riot didn’t seem to bother some people. Pirtleville resident, Dwight Pusser, who was in town visiting relatives and decided to attend the concert, paid more attention to the music and musicians. “Those boys done fiddled really nice like,” said Pusser. "I thinks I could really like this classical music. It done stirs my savage beast insides me and makes me want to kick the shit out of everyone. Exceptin’ that chubby boy with the big fiddle. He stirs something inside my groinal region. I wants to treats him like my pig Myrtle. Here fiddle boy! Come lick papa's finger!”

String Quartet lead violinist Dickie Dithers said what happened was perfectly natural and expected. “Look. Mozart’s music really strikes a chord with the masses. It’s music of the streets, man. I mean ol’ Wolfgang was a wild man in his day. I’m sure he would have joined in the moshing if he was here.” Dithers took a drag off his ‘cigarette’, squinted and added in astonishment, “Oh man! There’s Mozart over there by that statue, moshing his brains out. Go Wolfie! Go Wolfie!”

Cactus Corners police chief, Shane O’Flannery, issued a warning while pounding his nightstick in his hand, “Ahhh, you Mozart boys are all alike! We’ve had it with you hooligans. Next time we’re booking the lot of ya. Now move along. Nothing more to see here.”

Top Alternative Summer Vacation Destinations For 2005

It’s summertime again in America. Its time for kids to take a break from school and adults to take a break from work to head out of town for a week or two and visit top tourist destinations such as Disneyland, Six Flags Amusement Parks and the dozens of beautiful National Parks which dot our great land. But there are many alternative destinations that are off the beaten path which deserve mention and visitation. The BilgeBucket staff has compiled a list of some of these unconventional locales. So pack up your things and let’s go road tripping! And no complaining or we’ll turn this article around and go back.

	The Outhouse Museum in Blandville, North Dakota
	The Wisconsin Cheese Repository in Gouda Vista, Wisconsin
	The World’s Biggest Paper Clip Chain at Sheila Wigginton’s desk at U-Haul-M Rentals, Shreveport, Louisiana
	Trannie Land Fun Park in West Hollywood, California
	Oil Derrick Village inside Grand Canyon Escalante National Park, Utah
	Piranha Lake near Boggy Creek, Arkansas
	The Mystery Spot on Paris Hilton
	Cool LL P Piddly Diddly’s Urban Amusement ‘Hood in the Lincoln Heights Projects, Newark, New Jersey (purchase weapons at the front gate)
	Clyde Morton’s Rattlesnake Petting Zoo in Wallace, Alabama
	America’s Smelliest Jail in Swelterburg, North Carolina
	Dick Cheney’s Undisclosed Bunker in Whereabouts Unknown, USA
	Atom and Eve’s Nuclear Waste Dump and Health Spa in Glowing Sage, Nevada
	World’s Largest Canker Sore on Jeb Willoughby in Perkins, Kentucky
	Dildo Rock near Great Box Canyon, Montana
	Fetid Gulch, Texas: Roach Capital of the World
	Laxative Monument at Del Weaver’s Twilight City Retirement Community, Splendid Swamp, Florida
	Fear Factor’s Reindeer Testicle Experience in Burbank, California
	The New and Improved Neverland Ranch at San Quentin State Prison, California
	The World’s Biggest Dung Heap at the Bush Ranch in Crawford, Texas