Planes, Trains and Ox Carts

The BilgeBucket Gazette, Cactus Corner’s hottest satirical webzine, is back in action! Last month several members of the BilgeBucket staff embarked on what promised to be a rewarding and educational journey to India to meet our outsourced movie reviewer, Sanjay Tandoori. He and his wife, Sameera, live in Bangalore and were expecting their eleventh child last month. We thought what better way of showing our appreciation for Sanjay than traveling to India to help his family out with the newborn and educate the Tandooris about various kinds of birth control devices. But as the saying goes, even the best laid plans go astray.

Not all of us wanted to go on this goodwill mission/vacation. Chester Einstein, surprisingly enough was downright grumpy about it. Now there’s no love lost between Chester and Sanjay, even though the two haven’t met. Chester has been completely against outsourcing movie reviews to India from day one and he had no desire to travel to India to help out this ‘job stealer’. Well after much convincing and promises of future perks such as tickets to a live taping of Oprah, he agreed to tag along, but only as an interested observer on the Indian culture. Shirley Ray Bodine, who loves to travel the world, signed on immediately. She wanted to investigate the origins of tantric sex and maybe have some with a few hot, young Indian studs. When Shirley Ray said yes, Beulah Snodgrass immediately agreed. Some people just can’t take a hint. Earth to Beulah: she’s not interested! Of course, taking Little Jimmy Shitzenzimmer out of school for a trip to India was out of the question, even though his teacher at Prickley Pear Elementary School said she wouldn’t mind us taking the ‘little varmint’ off her hands. Lamebeard the Pirate has been in a state of constant inebriation since Bush got, ...ahem...re-elected, so he definitely couldn’t go. But fortunately for us, he sobered up, (thanks to an unlikely source), while we were away and wrote an article which will appear in our next issue. And last and certainly least, Gomy Dinkman just bought Doom 3, so there was no way he could move his useless butt to India. That’s okay, Gomy. You just stay in Cactus Corners and keep those video games in line.

Our trip started out well enough. We all caught the flight from Phoenix to London on British Airways. But that’s when the smooth sailing stopped. If you’ve ever been to Heathrow airport in London, you know it’s one discombobulated, confusing mess. The only person who managed to catch the connecting flight to Bangalore was Chester. I took transportation to the wrong terminal and wound up on a flight to Amsterdam. Beulah wound up in Prague, Czech Republic and Shirley Ray somehow ended up on a fishing boat off the Spanish coast. I knew we shouldn’t have separated to go to the water closet (rest room to us Yanks).

But it turns out that every one had a nice vacation despite the mix-up; except Chester. It was up to Chester and Chester alone to help Sanjay, Sameera and their ten children through the new arrival. I hear Chester ended up taking an ox cart the last mile to Sanjay’s place in the hundred degree heat and ninety percent humidity. Let’s just say Chester was not a happy camper. But Chester and the other travelers will submit travel reports in upcoming issues this summer. That is except Beulah. According to rumors on the Internet, she found the Sex Machines Museum in Prague, got a job there and refuses to return. She said she found heaven on Earth. Hopefully, she’ll return before the summer is through to regale us with her exploits. I can’t wait to hear how Shirley Ray found her way to a fishing boat in the Mediterranean. That woman sure gets around!

As for me, my vacation to Amsterdam was fantastic! I really only pursued one activity. I spent my time and money making new girlfriends in a certain part of town famous for lighting with a magenta hue. So many women, so little time, so little money! Let’s see there was Anki, Helga, Katje, Blossom, April, Bambi, Mistress Brunhilda, Anki again, Emma, Paris, Lady Rubbermaid, Anki again, Kristina, Agnetha, Mabel, Lunchlady Bertha, Tina, Officer Tanja, Sheila, Frankie (a woman I assure you), Heather, Pamela, a woman known only as the Tuliplady, Anki again, Muriel and Goldie. I’ll never forget you women of Amsterdam, especially Anki! You somehow made clog shoes, bonnets and pigtails sexy. And special props out to Officer Tanja. You can arrest me any day! Needless to say, I’m broke and a little sore. But I’m smiling from ear to ear and ready to start shoveling again. So without further adieu, gentlemen (and ladies) grab your shovels!