Bush Administration Conducts Massive Blamestorming Session

With his second term winding down, the Iraq war dragging on and scandals mounting daily, the Bush administration recently conducted a meeting with several of his closest advisors including political strategist Karl Rove, Secretary of State Condi Rice, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, and Vice President Cheney to blamestorm over who will be the ultimate scapegoat for his disastrous eight year presidency.

“It’s all working according to plan,” said Rove, grinning like a Cheshire cat. “We’ve screwed the pooch on purpose these last six and a half years. Our approval ratings are anemic. The Democraps are virtually assured of winning in 2008. They are the perfect scapegoats. We blame them for losing the war and then we reap the benefits for the rest of the century. I’ve guaranteed President Bush that Jenna will be President some day and I fully intend to keep that promise.”

President Bush was all smiles as he pondered the future. “I think my legacy is sealed as the bestest President ever. Why just the other day I said that we ought to reduce carbon emissions. I’m not going to do anything about it but just saying crap like that makes me an environmental President. My administration has proven the old adage that it’s not what you do, it’s what you say that’s important and I’ve said a lot of important things repeatedly like 9/11, terror and God bless America. I think that makes me one of the most quotable presidents of the 21st century. Just look at all those Bushism books out there.”

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said, “As the smartest person in this administration I feel I have to say that my husband…er…my President has done everything right and has not made one mistake these past six and half years. The person to blame is the new war czar, General Lute. The war czar’s job is to direct the conduct of the war. So if the war isn’t going right, he is to blame. It’s all his fault.”

Vice President Dick Cheney, who had just emerged from his undisclosed bunker, said, “I told you the Democrats were spineless weenies. They couldn’t even stay together to force us to agree to timetables for Iraqi withdrawals. The only timetables this administration adheres to is the timetables set by Halliburton. When they decide that we’ve made all the money we can make over there in Iraq, then we’ll leave. And let me add, we’re not leaving anytime soon.” Cheney then wrung his hands and cackled maniacally.

Alberto Gonzales said, “Golly gosh! I can’t recall anything that has happened since the year 2000. By the way, who won: Al Gore or George Bush?”

Illegal Immigration Bill Explained

Congress and the President are currently sponsoring a very complex bill aimed at fixing the current immigration problem in the United States and while it has supporters on both side of the aisle, it also has detractors from both parties as well. Among some of the criticisms is that the bill is too complex and that immigrants won’t be able to understand it.

Conservative Republicans like South Carolina Senator Jim DeMint have said that the bill amounts to nothing more than amnesty. “It’s amnesty, I tell you. It’s nothing but amnesty. I haven’t read this bill but it is just plain amnesty. Amnesty, amnesty, amnesty. It’s amnesty and I’m agin’ it.” He then turned and spit some tobaccy juice into a nearby spittoon.

Republican candidate for President, Mitt Romney, agreed. “I, too, have not read this bill but basically it’s amnesty plain and simple and if John McCain supports it then I don’t. Vote Romney!”

President Bush scolded his fellow Republicans. “Shame on all of you! Shame! Shame! Shame! Not for not reading the bill…hell I didn’t read it either. But for disagreeing with me; the President. I am the President! I am the President! I am the President! What are you? Democrats? Terrorists? Ooops same thing, heh-heh! But mark my words; this bill will work and it’s not amnesty… whatever that is. Now have I ever steered you wrong these past six and half years?”

One of the bill’s architects, Republican Senator John McCain, took time to try and explain the bill. “It’s really very, very simple. I mean that damn Democrat Ted Kennedy supports this crap, so it has to be easy. First of all, the illegal immigrant has to register to become a guest worker and pay us five thousand smackeroonies. Then he goes back home to El Craphola or wherever the hell he came from for a period ranging from seven to seventy years. Then after the waiting period has expired he has to show up on the border on his given day and time and is given fifteen minutes to make it across the border and sign up again or else his registration is null and void and he has to reapply and go through the whole process again. Once across, he has to take a series of tests to prove he can speak English and can indeed do important immigrant tasks like work a leaf blower, serve fast food and pick vegetables. Once a skill has been established, the immigrant can stay in the country and work for not more than minimum wage, start paying taxes and not get health care, just like a regular American. Unless of course he’s skilled at the following skills: firing a rifle, driving trucks, and marching. Then he can become an American citizen right away, get commissioned as a private in the U.S. Army and get deployed to beautiful, downtown Baghdad. See. Pure simplicity.”

On hearing the details on the bill, Mitt Romney exclaimed, “I know I said I was against the bill, but I’ve changed my mind and I think the bill is not amnesty and therefore I support it. Oops. Wait a second folks. I thought about it again and I think it’s amnesty pure and simple. No. Wait. It’s not amnesty. I support it. No. Wait. John McCain supports it. So I don’t support it. So there you have it. I’m not sure. Vote Romney!”

Illegal immigrant, Juan Sanchez said, “Ah, screw it! I’m going to Canada!”

Zeus Sends Falwell To Hades

In a shock to all the religions of human beings on the planet Earth, Zeus spoke out from his home on Mount Olympus and declared that he was the one true god for humans and that Jerry Falwell’s fate, as well as other humans who don’t worship him, will be one of eternal misery.

“What fools these mortals be!” said Zeus while sitting on his gold throne, munching on a Church’s chicken leg. “You’ve all bet on the wrong God. The ancient Greeks had it right. But you all blew it, especially that giant turd, Jerry Falwell. You all called us myths. Well, I’m the head honcho, big kahuna, leader of the pack, big cheese, top cat…well you get the picture. I was just silent for awhile to amuse myself with your pathetic wars fighting over whose God is better. Well the time has come to reveal myself. I am the one true God. Therefore, for his lifelong promotion of not only the wrong deity but ignorance, fear and hatred, Mr. Falwell will be placed on a slow boat on the River Styx, bound for Hades, floating for eternity with his boat mates, Liberace, James Brown, Yasser Arafat and Bella Abzug where he’ll be singing Broadway show tunes over and over again. And let this be a lesson to all you humans; worship me and only me from now on or you’ll suffer the same or worse fate. Remember what I did to Prometheus and Ixion. Or maybe I’ll have my brother Poseidon create more hurricanes and tsunamis to torture you peons. Or maybe I’ll send Ares and Heracles to rough you idiots up a bit. I’ve still got thunderbolts people, so watch your step.”

Pat Robertson responded to the revelation by falling to the ground and groveling, “Oh mighty Zeus. I was just kidding with this Jesus stuff. It was just a joke to amuse you. You are the one true God. Please don’t send Ares or Heracles to beat me up. I’m too old for swirlies and atomic wedgies. I just want to serve God…er…I mean Zeus and go to heaven…er…Mount Olympus when I die.”

Meanwhile, Osama Bin Laden, refused to change allegiances. “This Zeus is an imposter. The one true God is Allah. Allah Akbar!” Zeus then struck him dead with a thunderbolt and had him promptly transferred to Hades where he was strapped with explosives and blown up repeatedly for all eternity.

Local Sportscasting Legend Retires; Known For Annoying Metaphors

Local Sportscasting legend Jack Brock, a fixture at Cactus Corners television station KQCK the past thirty years, has announced his retirement. Brock has been doing the ten o’clock sports, the Sunday Night Sports show Jock-a-holics and the color commentary for KQCK radio coverage of spring training games for almost thirty years. However, rumor has it that management has pressured Brock to retire due to the declining quality of his remarks especially his metaphors, which often bordered on tasteless.

Station manager Darrin Sprague said, “Jack Brock has served the community well these past thirty years. But his commentary has become, how shall I say, a little too colorful. He’s become almost as cranky as the BilgeBucket Gazette’s Chester Einstein and we all know what a crusty, sonuvabitch he is. We feel this move is best for everybody, especially our legal department.”

KQCK play by play announcer Tony Loman defended Brock. “The man is a legend! He played Major League Baseball for Pete’s sake. So he played five games and struck out all ten times he batted; he still made it to the big show. You got give him props for that. I think that gives him the right to reel off all those folksy witticisms that seem to annoy everyone else on the planet. He’s like a poor man’s Yogi Berra; a very, very, very poor man’s Yogi Berra.”

“Come on,” said statistician Mark Clark. “The guy’s a fossil! Everybody says ‘Oh, he’s a legend. Everything he says is a pearl.’ The guy’s just a perverted old codger who hates everything and everybody. Why this spring I dug up some fantastic stats on Barry Bonds’ extra base hits while on steroids and handed it to him so he could relay the information to all our loyal fans. How did he thank me? He takes a look at it and calls me gay because I spend all my time looking up stats. Then he tosses it out of the broadcasting booth and into the stands. So what if I’m a single, thirty five year old who still lives with his parents and I dream about earned run average, on base percentage and slugging percentage instead of women; is that so abnormal? Wait… don’t answer that. ”

Several fans took time to remember their favorite Brock quotes from over the years. John Flanders said, “My favorite Brockism is the time he was talking about Livan Hernandez, who was a pitcher for the Giants at the time. He said he’s got more pitches than a horny sailor picking up a hooker on shore leave. What a great visual!”

Ken Gray said, “I liked it when he was talking about all the foul tips hit off Mike Piazza’s mask over the years. He said he’s had more balls in his face than Paris Hilton. Pure class all the way!”

Tom Willard said, “I think my favorite Brock moment was back when big ol’ Ted ‘Bull’ Linderman was doing play by play back in the ‘80s. Well, this light hitting shortstop named Tony Ferrara hit a home run over the left field fence and was zipping around the bases full speed. He was back at home plate before you knew it and Jack commented that Ferrara rounded the bases quicker than ol’ Bull does with his wife in the bedroom. Well, all you heard on the radio was lots of cursing, a big crash and plenty of static. Turns out ol’ Bull punched Brock’s lights out, knocked out a press box window, and hung Brock out by his belt loops on a rusty nail outside the press box right over the stands. Brock hung there all night screaming for help until finally a janitor felt sorry for him and got him down the next morning. Man, did he have a wedgie! Ol’ Bull quit after that game and joined the ice capades. And Brock…well he became a broadcasting legend.”

When asked on what he was going to do after retirement, Brock exclaimed, “What am I going to do? Goddammit, that’s a stupid question! I got one word for ya! Hookers! Lots of ‘em! I’m going down to Tijuana and do some color commentary in the ol’ boudoir, if you get my drift. So long suckers!”

Top Replacements For Bob Barker On The Price Is Right

Bob Barker announced last fall that he would be leaving The Price Is Right in June 2007. Well, that time is now and the television icon’s last show will be aired very soon. So the question that begs to be answered is who will replace Barker as the host of the popular game show that Barker has hosted since it premiered back in September 1972. Well, the BilgeBucket is here to help. Just like last issue when we presented a list of candidates to replace Rosie O’Donnell on The View, we’ve compiled a list of the top replacements for Barker. There seems to be a pattern here folks. Next issue: top replacements for BilgeBucket Gazette’s Editor-in-Chief Dex Rexter. (D’oh!)

	Co-hosts Rosie O’Donnell and Donald Trump
	Harvey the Wino
	Monty Hall
	Fidel Castro
	Mr. Personality Paul ‘Wolfie’ Wolfowitz
	Sanjaya
	Paris Hilton
	Gilbert Gottfried
	King of Wackiness Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
	A hologram of Bob Barker
	Happy Gilmore
	A spayed cat and a neutered dog