Bush Tries Repetition Trick on Economy

In a bold attempt to jump start America's dormant economy, George Bush unleashed his latest plan. "I plan to just repeat over and over again, that the economy is great, the economy is great. I mean it worked like gangbusters in Iraq. I just kept repeating Iraq is evil, Iraq is evil, Iraq is evil, and before you knew it, we were at war kicking Iraqi butt!"

"Now all it takes is for every American to realize that we're actually in good shape and chant the mantra 'The economy is great' and maybe throw in a 'God bless America' and lo and behold we'll be in good shape!"

Local man, Hank O'Brien, who was recently laid off from his job of twenty years, was skeptical. "I know he's president and he's probably smarter than me, but I've got no job or health insurance. I've lost my 401k. My kid needs money for college. My ex wants her alimony and she wants it now! I don't think chanting 'The economy is great' is going to work."

Press Secretary Ari Fleischer deflected such criticism. "To not chant the mantra would be un-American. The economy is good! The economy is stable! It is every citizen's patriotic duty to chant the mantra."

O'Brien was detained by Homeland Security for being an al-Qaeda informant.

Squaw Peak Renamed Again

Responding to critics from all over the state about abuse of power, Arizona Governor Janet Napolitano renamed Piestewa Peak, which was previously named Squaw Peak, to the more appropriate and non-offensive Pointy Jagged Peak.

"I feel this new name will appease everyone," said Napolitano. "It truly is a Pointy Jagged Peak."

Napolitano was accused of jumping hoops and abusing her authority last month in renaming Squaw Peak for fallen U.S. soldier, Lori Piestewa, who was the first Native American woman killed in combat. After further reflection, she decided she did overstep her bounds. Since other area mountains such as Camelback, were named for what they resemble, she decided to take the same approach with Squaw/Piestewa Peak.

Phoenix resident and avid hiker Chris Moore said, "Pointy Jagged Peak. Yeah! It has a kind of ring to it."

Longtime resident Cecil Wackamore was more nostalgic. "Pointy Jagged Peak. Hah! They can rename it whatever they want to. To me it will always be… Lose My Virginity Peak. But I guess you won't see that on any map will ya!"

Holy Shit: Man Has Feces Shaped Like Virgin Mary

Local man Hector Torres has claimed that the Virgin Mary has visited and blessed him in the form of feces in his toilet.

"I was taking a dump," said Torres. "And I look down into the bowl and there was this turd shaped exactly like the Virgin Mary. So I call my wife Maria into the bathroom, you know, and I'm like 'Look in the bowl' and she said 'I don't want to look at your shit! What are you? Some sort of weirdo!' and I'm like 'No, look at that turd. It looks just like the Virgin Mary' and she squints down into the bowl and says 'Dios Mio! It's a miracle!'"

Many people are now trekking to the Torres household to view the blessed turd. Last weekend, lines went out the front door as people clamored for a glimpse.

"I think Our Holy Mother is speaking to us through Hector's shit," said Maria Torres. "It's like she is saying to us, 'Even though you are dumped on, keep believing.' We are truly blessed!"

Hector's brother, Miguel, who also lives there with his wife and two kids, is tired of the attention. "The whole house smells like Tijuana, man. I can't sleep at night. We can't take baths or brush our teeth because we start gagging."

Hector's other brother, Pablo, who also lives there with his wife and three kids, said, "I'm tired of going down to the gas station to use the bathroom. This house only has one bathroom. What happens if I get the runs? Do I use a bucket or something? Should I go on the rug like the dog? And don't get me started about all the people. What happened to our privacy? I miss my... quiet time." He paused, wiped a tear from his eye and then added, "I may go to Hell, but if Hector don't flush that thing soon, I'm going to flush it myself!"