Skilling, Lay Meet New Cellmates; July Nuptials Planned

Former Enron CEO Jeff Skilling and founder Ken Lay have learned who their new cellmates will be, just days after being convicted of fraud and conspiracy for their part in the collapse of the former energy trading company. Skilling’s cell mate will be a young armed robber named Hector Valdez. Lay’s roomie will be Gianni Balboni, a hit man known as Rocco by friends in the slammer and his former crime family. The inmates are already planning a festive July double wedding ceremony in Cell Block A of the Federal Penitentiary in Leavenworth, Kansas.

“I’m really looking forward to partying wit my new bride, ol’ Kenny Boy,” said Rocco. “I gotta cousin who used to work for Enron, so Kenny Boy’s gonna get it where my cousin Vinnie got it, capeesh.”

Hector Valdez was equally excited. “Oh that bitch Skilling is so cute. I just loves a devious man, especially a rich one. We’re just gonna be the best power couple in our block. Maybe we can have Rocco and Kenny Boy over and we can all play Truth or Dare.”

When asked about their new cell mates, Skilling said, “Come on. All I did was a little embezzling. Who hasn’t skimmed millions of dollars from the company trough? I’m as innocent of wrongdoing as Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, Donald Rumsfeld and George Bush are of misleading this country into war with Iraq.”

Lay didn’t seem too concerned. “Remember, I’ve got friends in high places. Look at all the money I donated in 2000 to a certain presidential campaign that wasn’t Al Gore’s. I sense a change in the wind. Yes; ol’ Kenny Boy Lay will rise again.”

When asked about the Lay verdict, President Bush responded, “Who is this Kenny Boy Lay you speak of? Is he the maker of Lay’s potato chips? I do love those chips; no one can eat just one. But I’m afraid Mr. Lay will have to serve his full sentence because there is one thing this administration will not tolerate and that is deceiving the American people.” Bush then winked repeatedly toward the camera.

Former Enron employees who lost all their life’s savings seemed mostly pleased with the verdict. Norman Schneider said, “It’s about friggin’ time! I just hope they put a camera in that cell because I want to watch Rocco nail that bastard.”

Brenda Gavin felt sorry for the pair. “Those poor, poor men. What are they going to do without their yachts, BMWs and multitude of vacation homes? I’ll just have to console myself with a tasty dinner of macaroni and cheese, which is all I can afford now thanks to those dear men tanking the company where I worked for thirty years of my life. Godspeed Jeff and Ken!”

Andy Crenshaw was about ready to jump off a highway bridge with his feet bounded by a rope tied to a large rock he was holding when told of the news. “Lay and Skilling got convicted? Really?!! Gee maybe there is justice in the world. Tell me. Is George Bush still president? He is? Well… maybe not. See ya!”

Bush Sez “Screw New Orleans. We Need A Border Fence Muy Pronto!”

Last week, President Bush proclaimed a shift in priorities and ordered a halt to rebuilding levees and buildings in hurricane battered New Orleans, and to instead focus attention on building a 1900 mile long fence across the U.S.-Mexico border to keep illegal immigrants from entering the United States.

“We need to build this fence muy pronto,” said Bush. “That’s Spanish for muy quicko. The elections are coming up and if I don’t solve some kinda problem soon, there won’t be any Republicans left in Congress to ram Uncle Dick’s agenda down America’s throat. So we must divert resources from New Orleans to New Mexico and start construction immediately. Halliburton, who will be building the wall using cheap Mexican laborers, assures me it’ll be done by election time and as we all know, Halliburton is incapable of lying.”

New Orleans citizens, still suffering from the damage from Hurricane Katrina, were outraged at the dearth of help from the government. “There are still trailers sitting in Arkansas that could be sent to help the homeless here,” said Nadine Beauregard, an aide with the Red Cross. “Not only that, the levees haven’t been fixed yet and hurricane season is approaching. What if another hurricane comes through? The city would never be able to survive another hit. Even a category one hurricane would create havoc.”

President Bush attempted to allay New Orleans citizen’s concerns. “Don’t worry you chocolate peoples of New Orleans; I’ve spoken with the big guy and he assures me and Pat Robertson that the evil hurricanes are going to hit the New England area this year and they don’t matter because they’re a bunch of liberals. Can I get a Hallelujah on that one? And we’re by no means not helping you now because you all voted agin’ me in 2004 because as we all know, I’d never take political advantage of a tragedy. We must build this Great Wall of America because terrorists attacked us on 9/11. Terror, terror, terror. 9/11, 9/11, 9/11.”

The vigilante group, The Minutemen, have already started construction on a border fence made of barb wire and metal post in remote desert regions of Arizona. Butch Jackson, a member of the Minutemen said, “We need a fence here immediately so we can stop those people from coming over here and taking our low paying jobs that we don’t want anyway. How dare they want a better life for their families?”

Citizens living close to the border had mixed opinions on the fence. Paul Bertram of Nogales, Arizona, said, “On the one hand I’m against them coming over here and sometimes getting better healthcare than legal Americans get. That’s not fair. On the other hand, we’re all descended from immigrants who at one time or another came to America searching for a better life. It’s at times like this when I wonder what Paris Hilton has to say on the issue. I’d agree with whatever she says.”

Herbert Myers of Fort Huachuca, Arizona said, “We shouldn’t worry about building a fence along the Mexican border. What we really need to worry about is those Canadians. Those damn hosers have already brought curling to America. If they bring universal health care, we’re all goners.”

Mexican citizen Pedro Garcia said, “I don’t have a problem building the fence for the Americans. The joke will be on them when we build it with cheap cement. Then later on we can knock holes in the wall and still get into their country. Stupid gringos!”

Local Couple Has Best Baby Ever

Cactus Corners power couple Austin and Candace Gardner, who live in the exclusive Cactus Oasis subdivision, recently claimed that their six month old baby boy, Connor, is quite possibly the best baby that has ever lived.

“There is no question about it,” said Austin smugly. “Our baby is superior in every way. He’s already reaching for some toys and recognizing himself in the mirror and he’s only six months old. He’s performing at a nine month old level. I’m telling you he’s a genius.”

Candace Gardner concurred with her husband. “Oh he is an absolute prodigy. I wouldn’t be surprised if he started talking tomorrow. He’ll probably be another Mozart; or maybe even another Einstein. He may even grow up to be...dare I say...an American Idol.”

Austin’s father, retired businessman, William Gardner crowed about his grandson. “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Heh-heh. Like father, like son, like grandson. Our baby is much better than Tom Cruise’s baby or that ‘Brangelina’ baby. The media should be covering Connor. Even his poops are little works of art.”

However, some neighbors disagree with the Gardner’s assessment. Rhonda Masters, who lives catercorner from the Gardners, said, “Oh please. That little boy? A genius? No way. He’s got juvenile delinquent written all over him. I’d say he’s going to do 5-10 for auto theft. I mean just look at those shifty baby blue eyes. He’s trouble. Now take my little two year old Heather. Now there’s a baby! She takes after me; not only smart, but beautiful. That’s why I’m entering her in the Cactus Corners Baby Beauty Contest; to prove to the world that she’s the best baby in the world.”

Another neighbor Sybil McGhee disputed Masters’ claim. “There is no way Rhonda’s baby is better than that cute little Connor Gardner. Besides, neither one can hold a candle to my little three year old Breanna. Oh, she is a little angel sent from heaven above! I’m going to enter her in that baby beauty contest just to prove it, too. Then we’ll all see who’s the most perfect baby in the whole world!”

Candace Gardner, upon hearing the boasts of the other mothers, said, “Okay! You think your baby is better than mine, we’ll see about that. I’m entering Connor in that contest, too. Bring it on bitches!”

When asked what he thought about the contest, Connor smiled and relieved himself in his diaper.

Top Revelations In The DaVinci Code

The DaVinci Code, the blockbuster movie by Ron Howard, based on the novel of the same name by Dan Brown, has opened to huge box office numbers the past few weekends. Its opening week raked in $224 million worldwide. The controversial book has elicited complaints from the Catholic Church because it speculates that Jesus actually married Mary Magdalene and has descendants walking among us today. But there were other surprising revelations as well and our fearless staff has compiled them for your code cracking enjoyment.

	Jesus and Mary Magdalene had two children named Wally and ‘The Beav’
	Peter always walked around au natural at meetings which annoyed all the other apostles except James...Hmmmmm
	The beverage served at the Last Supper: Zima
	Emperor Constantine legalized Christianity at the Council of Nicaea in 325 A.D. and also penned the classic Disco hit Get Down Tonight
	Zeus is the one true God
	Jesus liked to wear his hair in braids, adorn himself with bling and rap with his homies when he wasn’t performing miracles
	JFK was killed by space aliens
	Judas annoyingly ended everybody’s sentences by saying “That’s what she said!”
	The Mona Lisa was smiling because DaVinci’s fly was open while he was painting her
	The world was created by leprechauns
	Opus Dei members get a special member discount at Walmart
	Jimmy Hoffa is buried in a field in Michigan
	Elvis is alive and well and managing a Burger King in Tuscaloosa
	The original message scribbled under the Mona Lisa: “So Dark The Wrath of Khan”
	The Holy Grail is actually a big ass beer stein located in Munich's Hofbrau House
	Black helicopters are really more of a midnight blue
	The current Grand Master of The Priory of Sion: Pauly Shore