Jeffords Switches Parties

Vermont Senator Jim Jeffords shook up the political landscape in Washington D.C. by switching from the Republican Party to the MTV Spring Break Beach Party.

When asked why he changed parties, Jeffords said, "Come on! The Republicans are sooooo boring! When Strom Thurmond is the life of the party, I'd say el fiesta es muerto. Now the MTV Spring Break Beach Party, that's a party!! Babes! Keggers! Nintendo! Dick Cheney, eat your heart out!"

President George Bush expressed disappointment over Jeffords action. "Honestly, I'm a bit miffed he didn't invite me along. I mean that's a lot of beer."

High profile members of the fledgling party include Pamela Anderson, Hugh Hefner, Cindy Margolis, Carmen Electra, Britney Spears, Gilbert Gottfried, Bob Barker and the Swedish Bikini Team.

Added Jeffords, "I can't wait for the Wet T-Shirt Committee Meetings!"

Former president Bill Clinton is also rumored to have joined the new party.

Bush Gets Honorary Degree

President George Bush received an honorary doctorate degree from the K-Mart Photographers School yesterday.

"This is indeed a high honor," said Bush. "These inspirational photographers snap inspirational photos at an inspirational price. Their inspirational pictures of our little shavers are truly an inspiration to all Americans and inspire us to feel inspired. I'm inspired to be considered one of them."

School President Melvin Schnee gave this reason for giving Bush the degree. "Not only does this give our school more visibility, it also gives President Bush a possible career choice after his administration crashes and burns."

Reno to Run For Governor

Former Attorney General Janet Reno announced that she may run for governor of Florida in 2002, possibly opposing President George Bush's brother Jeb.

"I think I'm definitely the right man for the job," said Reno from her Miami home.

Jeb Bush expressed little concern about Reno's run. "Come on! I'm the President's brother. Remember last November. I got him into office. He owes me one."

Reno said instead of debates she would like to team up with Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura against Jeb Bush and Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris in a no holds barred cage match. "Jesse and I are the most virile public figures around. Katherine Harris wouldn't stand a chance. I'd kick her &#*$&@~ Cruella deVille looking ass halfway to Cuba. And as for little Jeb Bush, you better get Dubya to call out the army 'cause I going ram my fist down your $*#!*&@ throat"

Don King has expressed interest in promoting the event.

Tom Cruise Raves Over Moulin Rouge

Actor Tom Cruise couldn't stop raving over the newly released movie Moulin Rouge which he screened yesterday with a select group of Hollywood celebrities.

"The costumes were delicious," said Cruise. "Oh and the dancing was just a delight. You could just tell they put their hearts out on that screen. And how about Ewan MacGregor. Who knew he could sing! What a hottie!"

Other stars noticed Cruise's obvious enjoyment. "He was so cute. When Lady Marmalade started playing, he was singing right along in his seat," swooned Cruise fan Rosie O'Donnell.

When asked to comment on his ex-wife, Nicole Kidman's performance he said in shock, "She was in the movie? I completely missed her. I'll just have to go see it again! Ewan MacGregor! Yes!!" He then gave one his signature cocky arm pumps which accidentally decked the drooling O'Donnell.