Cheney Kicks Off 2009 Torture is FUNdamental! Tour
Former Vice President Dick Cheney has emerged from his underground lair to go on a nationwide Torture is FUNdamental! tour. So far he has appeared on talk shows ranging from Meet The Press to Cathy’s Breakfast Chat and is planning a fifty city tour where he will defend the torture methods used during the Bush administration. Exhibits will also be presented to the general public to show that the torture used was no worse than tickling. ...continued below.
“I want to vigorously defend the actions of the Bush administration,” explained Cheney in an interview with Fox News. “I want to guarantee our place in history as the finest administration ever. The information that we obtained from torturing saved everyone and everything on the planet even those damn polar bears. Not only that, but this big hassle over waterboarding is nothing but hogwash. On our upcoming Torture is FUNdamental! tour, we will have torture exhibits set up so people from over the country can have electrodes attached to their genitals, have attack dogs threaten them while they kneel naked on the ground and of course the Waterboard o’Fun. I’ll be running that one.”
Republican Party leader, right wing radio talk show host, Boss Limhogg, will also be dropping by at select cities to help Cheney out. “I love Dick,” said Limhogg, inserting a large cigar into his mouth. “And Dick loves me. This will show people once and for all that the torture used by the Bush Administration was nothing but good clean fun. Just like a fraternity hazing or a pillow fight at a slumber party. Those guards at Abu Ghraib were just trying to make those Iraqis feel like one of the gang.”
Sean Hannity has also offered his support to Cheney. “This is a fantastic idea. I would love to go along and be waterboarded myself but… you know…I’m an enormously popular talk show host on the Republican Propaganda Network…er… Fox News. I’m vitally needed to broadcast the truth about the Democratic Socialist Party to real Americans.”
Ann Coulter will also appear in select cities as a dominatrix to issue punishment to anyone who wants it. “I play a game called ‘bad liberal’, where people act like liberals and I smack the crap out of them. It’s just wholesome family entertainment.”
Many Americans are anxiously awaiting the tour to come to their area. Dale Forster of Smithsville, Iowa said, “I thought Dick Cheney was dead ‘cause you never saw him and then bam he’s all over the place. I think he must have got a new transmission or something. I’m glad though ‘cause only Dick Cheney can keep America safe.”
Hal Dempel of Chigger Springs, Georgia said, “I can’t wait to get waterboarded. I betcha it’s just like the waterslide at SplashLand. I’ll be squealing like a pig. Yeeeeeehaaaaaah!”
Fred Campbell of Tyler Swamp, Mississippi said, “Those damn liberals are always trying to take away our fun. I think I’ll try that genital electrodes and hood thing but only if Ann Coulter hooks me up.”
Some however were not amused. Gloria Miller of Glendale, California said, “Cheney’s appearing on television more now than he did during eight years as Vice President. The Republicans lost! Quit torturing us Dick and just go away! How about Iraq? They’ve got plenty of oil. You’ll be happy. Go! Go!”
Dick Cheney closed his interview by saying, “I’m not going anywhere America. Dick Cheney is here to stay. I’m thinking President Cheney has a nice ring to it.” He then cackled maniacally for several minutes while wringing his hands together.
