BilgeBucket Gazette Goes On Vacation!

The BilgeBucket Gazette, the finest webzine in Cactus Corners, Arizona, will be on vacation for the next month. We’re moving our offices from the cramped 400 square foot office at the Cactus Dreams strip mall to our new spacious 550 square foot office at the Cactus Horizons strip mall. Therefore, staff members have decided to take advantage of the move and take some personal time off to do personal kind of things.

Beulah Snodgrass will be hitting the road following the Madonna tour. Chester Einstein will be going to the Cactus Groomers Convention in Yuma. Gomy Dinkman will be, what else, playing video games in his ‘crib’. Little Jimmy Shitzenzimmer will be repeating his math class in summer school. Shirley Ray Bodine will continue dispensing gossip and advice at her Cactus Corners salon, Shear Enough. She’ll also be dating her share of hunks from Cactus Needles Trailer Park and surrounding counties. Lamebeard the Pirate will continue to cruise Cactus Corners Lagoon, drinking Captain Morgan and roasting in the Arizona sun. Sanjay Tandoori, will continue to work his four jobs in Bangalore, India, drinking copious amounts of coffee and tending to his wife and ten kids. And last but not least, Dex Rexter will travel with Mistress Spankarella to the East Coast to get some domination tips from Pfc. Lynndie England. Ruff, ruff!

Feel free to rummage through our archives page. We will return with a rip roaring July 4th issue sure to stir the patriot in all of us. See you then!

Republicans Send Minions To Attack Kerry

The Republican Party is in full campaign attack mode. Political strategist, Karl Rove has sent many members of the GOP campaigning for the President and bashing Democratic challenger, John Kerry.

Vice President Dick Cheney, assailed Kerry as being light on defense. "If this man becomes President he will dissolve the military. He'll give nuclear weapons to other countries like North Korea and Iran. He'll sell us as slaves to toil in the Iraqi and Saudi oil fields. He'll let women have control over their own bodies. He'll let dingos eat your babies. I don't care if he did serve honorably in Vietnam while I had better things to do. John Kerry hates America!"

Secretary of Commerce, Donald Evans, slammed Kerry on taxes. "If John Kerry becomes President he'll raise taxes a jillion percent on everything. He'll tax the gas you need for your car. He'll tax the water you drink. He'll tax the air you breathe. He'll even tax your most important need; TV. He'll spend irresponsibly and build up the budget deficit to unheard of proportions. And I don't want to alarm anyone, but he'll try and make our beloved SUVs more energy efficient. The monster! There's no doubt about it. John Kerry hates America!"

First lady, Laura Bush attacked John Kerry's wife, Teresa Heinz. "Teresa Heinz would make a horrible first lady. First of all, she thinks for herself. Everybody knows that a woman's place is one step behind her husband. We belong in the kitchen, baking cookies like good little Christian wives. It's not ours to question the men folk. Second of all, she's married to that evil, Osama loving, John Kerry. And as we all know, John Kerry hates America!"

When told of the Republicans comments, Kerry sighed, rubbed his face wearily and said, "Six more months of this crap?! Tell Dennis Kucinich he can be the nominee. I'm going skiing!"

Office Mates Driving Each Other Crazy

According to scuttlebutt at Nelson Technology Solutions, co-workers Jake Riley, George Garcia, and Ted Wilson, who share an office, are on the verge of killing each other. The three project analysts reportedly can't stand each other and are demanding other arrangements.

"Garcia is driving me nuts!" growled Riley, brushing a hand through his greasy, unwashed hair. "He gets those bladder busters down at the Kwikee Corner and he sits there gulping down soda with this audible, GULP-GULP. I can hear his Adam's apple moving for Christ's sake. Then he goes 'AHHHH' after every frigging drink. And then when the soda's gone, he tilts the cup back and all the ice cubes come sliding down the cup and crash into his teeth making a racket, CRRRCHH-CRRRRCH. Then he munches on his ice cubes, CHOMP-CHOMP." Riley's face then turned magenta with rage and his eyes started to bulge. "So it's like this: GULP-GULP-AHHHH-CRRRCHH-CRRRRCH -CHOMP-CHOMP. GULP-GULP-AHHHH-CRRRCHH-CRRRRCH -CHOMP-CHOMP. All friggin' afternoon! And he's got his friggin' headphones on listening to his friggin' rap crap, so he can't hear how friggin' annoying he is! Then he starts singing along to the friggin' music, if you can call rap music! GRRRRRRRR!!"

"Riley's one to talk," sneered Wilson, stroking his full brown beard. "The guy is constantly either farting, sneezing or hocking up lugies in his trash can. He's always eating the smelliest food, too. Last week he was eating sardines in garlic sauce and left the cans lying in the trash can. The place reeked! And the guy's hygiene is egregious! I don't think the guy knows what a shower is. I'm surprised flies aren't buzzing around his desk, because man he stinks! No wonder he's still single. What woman would want him? What man would want him? Hell, what animal would want him?"

"Wilson is such an asswipe!" scoffed Garcia. "The guy went to MIT, so he thinks he's Gods gift to the company. He also thinks he Gods gift to women. He spends half the fucking day talking sweet talk to his girlfriend on the phone. 'Hey baby. Last night was great wasn't it? I like doing it that way, too. I could go all night.' Give me a break. The guy is asthmatic, overweight, balding and has a scraggily ass beard. I think he's got fleas in there. Probably got 'em from Riley. I've seen his girlfriend, too. She's got a rear the size of a brontosaurus. It could put a Humvee out of commission. I about puke my guts out whenever lover boy's on the phone talking dirty to 'his lady'. That's why I wear my headphones all the time. Snoop Dogg take me away!" He then gulped down some soda and let out a loud "AHHHHH".

Manager Wendell Jackson gave his assessment of the problem. "Basically, no one can stand these guys, that's why we put them together in the office in the first place. We're just hoping that they'll kind of drive each other crazy and either resign or kill each other. We don't care which. It's kind of like Survivor, office style. We even have wagering on whom will be the last one standing. I think Riley is 3-1 right now, basically because he's certifiable. Morale in the rest of the company is sky high, though." Jackson leaned back in his office chair and placed his hands behind his head. "Yes, everything is going according to plan."

Local Woman Can't Find Mr. Right

Local single woman Emily Buntz stated last Thursday that despite a shortage of good men, she would stubbornly continue her pursuit of Mr. Right.

"What is it about men?" asked Emily, as she took a drag off her cigarette and nursed her frappuccino. "They're such idiots! It seems like the only good men are on TV or in the movies."

"I'm looking for a man who's kind, sensitive, and funny like Matthew Perry or David Schwimmer. But he's also got to be tough like Vin Diesel or Russell Crowe. Ruff! But he's got to look fantastic, like Brad Pitt or Ben Affleck." She paused, adjusted her Ralph Lauren designer glasses and started twirling her bleached blonde hair. "He needs to be a serious money making professional like Donald Trump, but also wild and crazy like Jim Carrey. He should treat me like an equal, but realize that as a woman, I have special needs which require him to put me on a pedestal and worship me with gifts like rings, cars and vacations to Paris. He needs to clothe me in Gucci, Prada, and Yves St. Laurent. He needs to read my mind and realize that I'm always right. Oh and he's got to rock my world in bed. His tool better be enormous!"

Ex-boyfriend, Gary Delfino said, "She wants a god from Olympus is what she wants! We went out for a month and I tell you, I could do nothing right for her. She got pissed at me when I held the door for her and then when I didn't get the door for her the next night, she about bit my head off. She was always ragging on me that my job wasn't good enough. I'm a project manager for a local IT firm. I pull down 100K a year. What the hell does she want? Oh, that's right. Donald Trump!"

Another ex-boyfriend, attorney Mike Sathers, said, "God, what a massive bitch! I did everything to try and please her. I sent her flowers. I took her to the finest restaurants in Scottsdale. I once drove clean across town in the middle of the night to be with her, because she got scared watching The Ring on DVD. Yet when asked for a little tiny favor she blows a gasket. One day I had to go out of town on business so I asked her if she could give me a ride to the airport. She acted like I had asked her to blow herself up or something. I never heard the end of it. I almost turned gay because of her."

Ex-squeeze, gas station attendant Steve Garson, said, "I don't know where she gets off thinking she's all that. She works as a perfume clerk at Worthingtons. Just because her customers are well to do Scottsdale women, she thinks she's one of them. Spoiled rotten is what she is. All I know is when she gets all horny, she comes to the ol' Stevester, because I know how to fill 'er up, if you know what I sayin'."

Emily dismissed her ex's comments. "Those guys were just children. And Garson knows we're broken up. I still have sex with him out of pity. I mean he works at a gas station! He's beneath me. I deserve the best because I am the best." She then lowered her sunglasses to eye a prospective hunk emerging from his car. "Nice ass. But he drives a Hyundai. Loser!"

Top High School Graduate Activities For The Summer

It's May and thousands of teenagers from all over the country are graduating from high school and entering adulthood. For many it will be the last summer of innocence and the beginning of a new chapter of their lives. For others it marks the beginning of party season and a chance to get loaded and laid. Our staff has constructed a list of the top things to do this summer for the future leaders of our country. God help us all!

	Take Algebra again in summer school because you fucked off during the school year
	Stay inside and watch repeats of Friends
	Practice your singing so you can be the next William Hung
	Hang out in Jimmy Povano's driveway, smoking cigarettes, drinking beer and complaining about your parents
	Ponder the inner workings of quantum mechanics
	Get married, become pregnant and live happily ever after
	Hang out with your friends at a creepy abandoned summer camp
	Sign up with the Armed Forces and join the fun in Iraq
	Sign up with the National Guard, go AWOL in Alabama, and help George W. Bush's presidential campaign
	Get cell phone surgically attached to the side of your head
	Play video games all summer (Gomy recommends this one. Surprise, surprise!)
	Masturbate! Masturbate! Masturbate!
	Go shopping, silly!