New Satirical Site Makes Debut

The BilgeBucket Gazette, a new satirical webzine, came online officially today according to its editor in chief, Dex Rexter.

"We're not just another satirical site," said Rexter. "Sure we might look like we're copying The Onion, which is the Mother of all satirical sites. But what we'll be offering is a potpourri of interesting articles, funny headlines, and amusing pictures and graphics with witty captions." Rexter paused, reflected briefly and added, "Well, I guess we are copying The Onion, aren't we."

The BilgeBucket Gazette is located in a 400 square foot office suite in the Cactus Dreams strip mall in Arizona's trendiest suburb, Cactus Corners. It was originally published on the web in the summer of 2001 as the Cactus Corners Tattler. However, financial setbacks caused the webzine to shut down after only a couple months.

"Well, one of our staff members, Beulah Snodgrass, assured us she had a sure thing over at Phoenix Greyhound Park. Yep, Cactus Jack in the 4th. A 'can't miss' she said. Against our better judgement, we let her take all our operating expenses and bet it on Cactus Jack. The race started and the dog jumps the rail, takes a dump in the infield and starts chasing its tail. We weren't happy campers. But Beulah has received help and now, two years later, we're back in business."

Added Rexter, "I know I've got high expectations but if we're only half as funny as the The Onion, I'll be happy... Okay. 1/20th as funny."

Bush Says North Dakota Has Weapons of Mass Destruction

President George Bush said today in an emergency press conference that he suspects North Dakota may have weapons of mass destruction and that he will push for complete disarmament or he will invade.

"Our intelligence has detected missile silos in North Dakota," said Bush. They have become a menace to the world. Their leader is worst than Hitler! I've seen footage of people being fed into wood chippers. If we do not stop them, a nuculyar castastr...catatat...boom-boom could happen. If they do not disarm, we will invade in twenty four hours."

Jarrod Dayson, an alert reporter from Newsblog then reminded the president that North Dakota was in the United States and that the missile silos housed American nuclear weapons. Press Secretary, Ari Fleischer, then interrupted the president, whispered into his ear and rushed him from the stage. He then commandeered the press conference explaining, "I apologize for the president's latest statements. He awoke early from his nap and was having nightmares after watching the movie Fargo last night. North Dakota is a wonderful state and Governor Hoeven is not worse than Hitler. He was just repeating statements that he heard Bill Clinton say when he was president. Thank you."

Fleischer then barred Dayson from any further press conferences stating in an irritated tone, "How dare he question the president of the United States! He must be for terrorism!" Forces from Homeland Security appeared and ushered Dayson on a plane to Guantanamo Bay.

CEO Says Layoff is "Move of Strength"

CEO Mike Montgomery of MicroDinks, Inc. says this weeks layoff of 25% of the work force was a "move of strength". "This move will position us positively in the market place and enable us to be mean and lean for the future," said Montgomery at a news conference.

"Move of strength my ass!" said laid off technician Jerry Nelson. "I've worked for MicroDinks for ten years and this is the thanks I get! I've got three small kids, a sick parent, a mortgage and two car payments. That two week severance check ain't going to cover crap. And my health coverage is gone! I can't afford those COBRA payments. They're expensive as hell! I'm screwed!"

John Germann, a laid off computer programmer said, "I don't know what I'm going to do. The job market sucks. I've looked on monsterspaz.com, nerdorama.com and geeksforhire.com. There are just no technical jobs to be found."

Montgomery insisted that the move was necessary in order for MicroDinks to make a profit for the upcoming fiscal year and keep stock prices high to appease stockholders.

Even though 250 people were laid off, neither Montgomery's nor other officer's salaries were cut. Montgomery makes a reported salary of $40 million year. Other officer salaries ranged from $5 million a year to $20 million a year.

"Well hot damn," added Nelson. "That warms my heart good knowing that ol' Mikey won't have to sell his Porsche or his Corvette or his Hummer. Greedy Fucking Bastard!"

"Maybe I could get a job as his pool boy," said Germann.

Store Greeter Scares Customers Away

JuggerMart's Store Greeter Larry Dealy is actually scaring customers away.

"My God, he's frightening!" said Delores Terwilliger after a recent encounter. "I was in such a happy mood because I just purchased a beautiful moo-moo that was on sale and then all of sudden there was this hideous face saying 'Good day, ma'am'".

Dealy, 50, was previously homeless. But store manager, Gary Heath decided to give him a job rather than have him constantly pilfering shopping carts and harassing customers for change.

"I felt sorry for him," said Heath. "In retrospect, I guess store greeter wasn't the best position for him. He does need some dental work. And a haircut. And new clothes. And a bath. And possibly a mask. Oh God! What was I thinking!"

Customer John Leeves said, "I was just coming in to get some tampons for my wife and I look up and Jesus Christ, there was a frigging troll in my face. I'm not a bright man but even I know you need someone pleasant greeting people."

Heath has reportedly reassigned Dealy to a management position.