Mexico Legalizes Drugs; Immigration Flow Miraculously Reversed

In a surprising development last week, Mexico’s Congress passed a sweeping bill legalizing the possession of small quantities of drugs such as marijuana, heroin and cocaine in an effort to curb its enormous drug trafficking problem. Mexican President Vincente Fox immediately signed the bill into law, thus making Mexico one of the most permissive countries on drugs in the world.

Some of the maximum quantities allowed are: 7 milligrams of PCP; 100 milligrams of amphetamines; 200 milligrams of methamphetamines; 1 kilogram of peyote; 250 pounds of hallucinogenic mushrooms; 25 bags of heroin; 500 suitcases of cocaine; and 40 acres of marijuana.

“We feel this will solve many problems for us,” said Fox in a news conference. “We can now focus our attention on improving our bull fights, siestas, and our world famous donkey shows. The United States should see this as a blessing. All I’ve heard lately is blah-blah this and blah-blah that about the illegal immigration of Mexicans into America. Well, now Americans are going to be poring over the border into our country for some legal high times. The United States offers money for work; we offer a way to dispose of the money.” Fox then started laughing and rubbing his hands together.

When he heard of the new law, President Bush said, “I’m just appalled at this development. How can something like this happen now? Why wasn’t this done back in my Air National Guard days? I need to pay a visit to my ol’ amigo Presidente Fox and have a talk about this. Where’s my rolled up dollar bill?”

Conservative radio talk show host, Rush Limbaugh said, “This is despicable. This is obviously the work of rampant liberalism I tell you. The next thing you know drugs will be legalized in America and we’ll all become drug addled buffoons. By the way, the headquarters for EIB is being moved to Cancun, where I’ll be broadcasting from in the future, hopefully looped to the gills on Oxy, ‘shrooms and whatever else I can cram into me.”

Ironically, lines were already forming at the border for Americans wanting to get into Mexico. Impatient Americans, unwilling to wait in line legally, were hiring coyotes to transport them into Mexico to the best places to get high.

“Si,” said a grinning Miguel Martinez, flipping through a wad of dollars with his fingers. “Gringos es muy stupido.” He then turned to watch the group he just led into Mexico get arrested by Mexican police. “Muy, muy stupido!”

Several Americans, especially Californians, seemed ecstatic about the turn of events. “I thought Amsterdam was the place to be,” said Mike Darrow, of El Cajon. “But when I heard about this, I mean it’s a no-brainer. The only thing missing is the hookers.” Darrow paused and rubbed his chin. “Wait a second. It’s pretty much legal in Tijuana anyway, isn’t it? That does it for me. Hasta luego, amigo. Yo soy Mexicano!”

“Gnarly dude!” said Mission Beach surfer Lance Burlison. “I’m going to Tijuana to get some marijuana. Wanna come? Get it? It’s all about juanas, man. Oh man! I think I’m toasted already!”

Vincente Fox added, “Everything is going according to plan. The Native Americans are fleecing Americans in their casinos. Now we’ll be taking their money for drugs. Soon half of America will be speaking Spanish. If only George Bush could be President for another four years, America would finally be returned to its original owners.” Fox then rubbed his hands together again and laughed maniacally for several more minutes.

Patriotic Oil Companies Patriotically Screw Americans

Many oil companies have reported record profits in the past year, such as Exxon-Mobil, which announced a profit of $36 billion dollars. This has prompted outrage from many Americans, who are paying prices of over $3 a gallon for gasoline and feel that oil companies are gouging consumers. Many are calling for taxes on the profits in order to relieve prices at the pump.

William K. Rutherford, CEO of Conalot Oil, which posted a record $5 kajillion profit said, “Why is everybody mad at us poor oil companies? We provide a much needed product, so we have to charge something for it. It’s called capitalism, people. You have a need, and we capitalize on it...big time! Price gouging is as American as baseball, apple pie, and Paris Hilton sex videos. Now excuse me, I’m pricing Lear jets. I want to get one for my cat Whiskers.”

President Bush defended oil companies and said it would be a mistake to tax profits. “People, these oil companies are saints. They’re not only providing beautiful, delicious oil to Americans, they got me elected so I can advance their agenda. Now what kind of President would I be if I went back on my word and said they couldn’t screw Americans for fun and profit? Not a very good one I think.”

Conservative John Stossel, host of ABC’s 20/20 also defended the oil companies. “Give me a break. Price gouging is what America is all about. I defended it after Hurricane Katrina when people were charging outrageous prices for bottled water and I’ll defend it now. It’s not my place or your place to question the affairs of big, strong, American corporations. Besides I like having a gas nozzle shoved up my ass.”

Kathleen Beaumont of Citizens Watch, a government watchdog group, said “This is nothing but blatant war profiteering and the oil companies should be ashamed of themselves. In past wars, Americans were called to sacrifice and American companies were called to sacrifice. There was no way we would have won the Revolutionary War, World War I or World War II, if American companies took advantage of Americans and charged exorbitant prices. President Bush keeps talking about being patriots and doing the patriotic thing. Well I think he should get the oil companies to do the patriotic thing and give consumers a break. We are fighting a war after all.”

Americans spoke out about the energy crisis. Julie Morris of Harrington, Wisconsin, said, “We need to start using alternative energy sources like natural gas or ethanol to power our vehicles. For instance, I converted my Hummer to use vegetable oil. Not only is it cleaner and more energy efficient, it’s got Wessonality to boot.”

Beatrice Courtland of Bellham, Kentucky, said, “I was so outraged when prices went over $2 a gallon and I vowed when they got over $3, I’d change my wasteful ways, like driving my SUV to my next door neighbor’s house. Well, prices are over $3 now. When it gets over $4, then I’ll start curbing my insatiable appetite for gasoline.”

Frank Howard of Schinker, North Carolina, said, “Now the oil companies need those profits to reinvest so they can find more oil. I can tolerate paying a little more at the pump. Just don’t take my NASCAR away. Pleeeeeeeeeaaaaaassssseee! I gots to have Jeff Gordon in my life!”

Local Dachshund Sports Natty Sweater; Neighborhood Dogs ‘So Jealous’

Mitzi, a dachshund owned by Randy and Marikay Lawrence in the Cactus Leavings Subdivision was the talk of the neighborhood this past week when she ambled down the street in a stylish burgundy knit doggy sweater.

“She was quite the little head turner,” said Marikay proudly. “I was shopping at Barkingdale’s, that upscale pet shop over at Cactus Corners Fashion Bazaar; you know the one with the gourmet dog biscuits that look like pastry. Anyway, I saw this adorable little sweater made by Jacques St. Bernard and I knew Mitzi would love it. Sure enough, just look at her strut around. I can just tell she loves it. And it was only $200. The neighbors are so jealous. I could just see the envy in their eyes as we walked past their lawns and Mitzi did her business on their freshly mown grass.”

Shirley Dennis, who lives across the street from the Lawrence’s, said, “I couldn’t believe she bought that sweater. That’s a bit much to pay for a dog sweater if you ask me. Why I only paid $150 for my Fifi’s sweater and it’s just as stylish.”

Neighbor Lance Mulroney said, “Oh my God! That little Mitzi is so adorable! I am sooooo jealous! I’ve just got to get one of those sweaters for my pek-a-poo, Siegfried. Maybe I could get a matching sweater for myself. Wouldn’t that just be divine?!”

“That Marikay thinks she’s all that and a bag of Snausages,” said Hilda Wyler, who lives next door. “Just wait until my AKC champion bred toy poodle, Ch Yippy Lord Bowser, takes home the best of breed next month at the Cactus Corners Dog Show. Then we’ll see whose poop doesn’t stink. Yippy Lord Bowser! Get off my leg, you randy little mutt!”

Randy Lawrence, standing slightly behind Marikay, seemed reluctant to talk about the sweater. “Well, I don’t know. I mean she’s a dog. I really don’t think she cares about what she looks like. I mean she rolls around in poop and licks herself, for Christ’s sake. I think it looks ridic…” Marikay jabbed her elbow firmly into her husband’s ribs. Randy gasped, grabbed his chest and continued. “I think it looks fabulous,” he muttered.

When asked about the sweater, Mitzi said, “God I hate this thing. I don’t need a friggin’ sweater! You don’t see any wolves out in the wild knitting sweaters to keep warm. You know why? We have fur! Besides that, we live in Arizona! I’m roasting here! Would someone just shoot me already? Or better yet, shoot my idiot owner. God I hate her.”

Top Rejected Names For Tom Cruise’s New Baby

The top event in entertainment news this spring has without a doubt been the birth of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ baby daughter Suri. For months, entertainment shows pondered what the name of the child, affectionately nicknamed ‘TomKat’, would be. Then came the big moment and the magnificent birth happened on April 17th. With the pliable press salivating to hear the name, Tom Cruise delivered; Suri, which means ‘princess’ in Hebrew, ‘red rose’ in Persian, and ‘future ruler of the universe’ in Scientology. Cruise is now on worldwide publicity tours touting not only his new movie, MI:3, but also his new baby. But what about the other names considered by Cruise and his love captive? Well, I don’t know how we did it, but somehow we acquired a list of names rejected by the happiest couple to ever grace the face of this or any other planet. Shirley Ray Bodine must’ve called in a few favors (wink, wink).

	Nicole
	Maverick
	Brunhilda
	L. Ronnie
	La-Keisha
	Brooke Shields
	Tomasina
	Publicity Stunt No. 1
	Xenu
	Freud
	Couchy
	Dianeticia
	Daisy June Jim Bob
	Harlan Ellison
	Travolta
	Oprah
	The Greatest Thetan in the Galactic Confederacy