Americans Ponder 2008 Presidential Candidates

The 2008 Presidential Election is heating up as the American electorate must choose their next President with a scant 18 months left until the general election. Both Democratic and Republican candidates have fielded questions about the issues in the hopes of setting them apart from each other. Most Americans unbelievably still haven’t made up their minds yet but many offered up their impressions of the candidates so far.

Democrat Ken Brewster of Maltby, Delaware, said “I’m a big fan of cookies so I like Dennis Kucinich. He looks just like a Keebler elf. Hopefully, he’s got some of that elfin magic.”

Texstar Oil Co. CEO Charles F. Townsend IV said, “For my money, I like George W. Bush. He’s done everything we’ve paid him to do. We’ve posted record profits since he’s been in office and he’s turned back just about every environmental regulation that hinders us from cashing in big time. What? He can’t run again because this is his second term. Well, we’ll just see about that. Kendra! Bring me my checkbook! I’ve got a Constitution to mold to my liking.”

Alan Jackson of Cedar Falls, Virginia said, “I’m an African American so it’s pretty obvious who I’m voting for…Mitt Romney. Who else speaks more for the poor, oppressed, disenfranchised black people of America than a squeaky clean, rich, white Mormon?”

Lisa O’Bannon of Walnut Creek, Indiana said, “I’m voting for Sanjaya. He’s sooooooooooo cute!”

David Wichita of Topeka, Kansas said, “I’m voting for Sam Brownback. He doesn’t believe in evolution. He knows that the only way to change your lot in life is by the power of prayer. Well that and sending at least one hundred dollars a month to the good Reverend Bilkwell’s ministries and their prayer specialists. Their prayers count extra don’t you know.”

Noel Chambers of Delshire, New Hampshire, said “I’m voting for that electrifying Democratic candidate from 2004. He was absolutely unforgettable. Oh, what was his name? I can see him so clearly in my mind’s eye right now. He was really wooden, had great hair and had a monotone speaking voice. Gore!...no wait that was 2000. Dukakis!…no that was in ’88. Mondale…no that was in 1984. Kerry, that’s it. Wow! I just had a revelation. I know why the Democrats have lost so many Presidential elections since 1980.”

Janice Meese of Conrad, Oklahoma said, “Most people think that as a woman, I’m going to vote for Hillary Clinton. But I believe a woman just shouldn’t be President. According to the Bible, the woman’s place is in the home, raising the kids, and cooking the meals. Why if I don’t have dinner on the table at 5:00pm when Jim gets home from work, there is hell to pay, believe you me. And I never question anything Jim says. He’s the man of the house and is therefore always right. Besides, a woman just won’t be able to protect us from those fanatical Muslims. Can you believe how badly they treat their women?”

Drag queen, Nina Broadway of San Francisco, California said, “Giuliani speaks to me for some reason. He’s the only candidate in either party who’s dressed like a woman… oops…that is besides Hillary. But then again, Rudy looks better in a dress than she does.”

“I like that Mike Gravel guy,” said Nick Yankowski of Milwaukee, Wisconsin. “He’s kind of cross between Fozzie Bear and Admiral Stockdale. Remember him. He was Perot’s running mate in ’92. Remember when he asked during the debates, ‘Why am I here?’ Hah! Hah! We need those kind of madcap antics in this election to keep our minds off what a mess this country is in.”

Staunch Republican Joe ‘Digger’ Belsky of Laughton, Illinois said, “I know who I’m not going to vote for and that’s Bill Richardson. That guy advocates diplomacy, fiscal responsibility and energy independence. Then he says the first thing he’s going to do is withdraw from Iraq and then he’s going to establish a sound, environmentally friendly energy policy. I mean, what kind of moonbeam, wacko, nut job is he?”

Antiques Roadshow To Visit Cactus Corners

Cactus Corners residents are thrilled that the Antique Roadshow program is planning on filming a segment in Cactus Corners this month. Many are preparing their valuables to take on the show and get appraised by the antiques experts on the show.

“I’m really looking forward to showing off my action figures,” said Mike Flanagan. “I’ve got an old Dr. Zeus from Planet of the Apes. Sure it’s dirty, one arm is missing and I can’t stop playing with it, but I’m sure it’s worth something.”

Local loser and pervert, John Teller said, “Well. I’ve got some condoms from 1975. I really haven’t had a chance to use them seeing that I’m 450 pounds, bathe every other month and haven’t brushed my teeth since the Reagan administration. So, they’re practically brand new. They should be worth something.”

Fifth grader, Johnny Pelham said, “I was in Little Nogales down by the freeway and I tore off this piece of tin from one of the house roofs. It’s got to be worth something.”

Sister Mary Theresa Bernadette from Our Lady of Perpetual Misery parish said, “I’ve got a poster from our school festival back in 1975 that’s in mint condition. That was the festival when Sister Katherine’s habit blew off and scared everyone half to death. You know she never washed her hair and boy did we pay the price. Talk about your Medusa! Anyway, the poster has got to be worth something.”

Leah Jacobson said, “Believe it or not, I’ve got a hairball from Morris the cat. I think it’s one he coughed up in the early ‘80s. Sure it’s old, grotesque and smelly, but it’s got to be worth something.”

Dave Dooley said, “I’ve got a daguerreotype of talk show host Larry King interviewing Millard Fillmore. Now that’s got to be worth something!”

Gary Martin said, “Well I went and dug up the remains of my great, great, great grandfather because he fought in the Civil War as a confederate. That’s got to be worth something.”

Archaeology student Archie Howe said, “Well I was digging around in the Arabian desert and I just happened upon something called the Arc of the Covenant. I don’t really know if its worth anything but I figure I’ll take it down and let them have a look. I mean it’s got to be worth something.”

“This is so exciting,” said Elizabeth Lake. “I just love watching the show and seeing some of the antiques people bring in. And when the appraiser tells the person that the valuable is worth thousands of dollars, just seeing their eyes light up is priceless. Me, I collect Chippendales. No, not the gorgeous 18th century furniture created by Thomas Chippendale. I’m talking dancers, like Black Bart, who I met last week at Sparky’s All-Male Revue. His piece has to be worth something!”

Antique expert, Thomas Winningham, commented on the popularity of the show. “The truth is we’re just making shit up when we tell people that their junk is worth something. Hey would you watch if we were telling people that their beat-up, old, Partridge Family lunchbox was worth a quarter. No, of course not. So we tell them that it’s a priceless heirloom worth a thousand dollars. It’s all for show. I’m not even an antiques expert. I work in the housewares department at Mallard’s department store. I’m gay so people automatically assume I know something about antiques. I don’t even know what an antique is for Pete’s sake.”

Fans still plan to show up in droves. “I’m such a huge fan of Mark Walberg,” said Elizabeth Lake’s friend, Linda Reynolds. “I just loved him in Perfect Storm, Invincible and especially Boogie Nights. Wow! Was he hung or what? What? That’s not the same Mark Walberg? Well how many Mark Walbergs are there in the world? Then to hell with it! I’m going to Sparky’s with Elizabeth and Black Bart.”

Smokers Defy New Anti-Smoking Law

Area bar and restaurant owners are ignoring the recent smoking ban as they are allowing patrons to light up defying the voter approved ordnance. This is causing quite a controversy among clientele and owners as each claim their rights are being violated.

Buck Thomas, owner of the Croaky Toad Bar & Grill in the Cactus Mildew Strip Mall, said, “Listen. I don’t care what the voters say. What happened to freedom in this country? Most of the people that frequent my bar like to smoke and they have right to light up if they want to. If people want to poison their lungs and give themselves shitty health then they should have that right. If you ask me, nothing is more delightful that a nice greasy hamburger while breathing in smoke from a neighboring table.”

Sally Pedersen, who supports the anti-smoking ban said, “The voters approved this law. I didn’t go to bars before because I couldn’t breathe with all the smoke floating around. Now, thanks to this law, I can go and get drunk off my ass so some drunken oaf can take me back to his place and do me nine ways to Sunday. It’s a win-win for everyone!”

Sam Berman said, “People who don’t smoke slay me! ‘Oh I don’t want to breathe smoke. I want my lungs to be clean.’ What a bunch of pussies! I’m forty five years old. I’ve smoked four packs a day since I was fifteen and I’m healthy as a horse. Excuse me.” Berman then coughed and hacked for a few minutes finally spewing up a bloody, glob of phlegm. “See no ill effects. Damn! My cigarette almost went out. I’ve got to use it to light my next one.”

Top Replacements For Rosie O’Donnell On The View

Rosie O’Donnell recently announced that she is leaving The View just 9 months after joining the show. Rosie cites that she and ABC were unable to see eye-to-eye on a contract extension, so she will be leaving in mid-June. Since The View still hasn’t replaced Star Jones, they will now have to come up with two more hosts. Well, the BilgeBucket is here to help. We’ve compiled a list of top notch candidates who would add snap, crackle, and pop to the show.

	Rice Krispies spokes-elves Snap, Crackle and Pop
	Speaking of elves, 2008 Presidential hopeful, Dennis Kucinich
	Donald Trump
	Zany North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il
	The BilgeBucket Gazette’s own gruff but lovable Chester Einstein
	Sanjaya
	The always cordial Ann Coulter
	Bob Barker
	Carrot Top
	Dick Cheney
	The ghost of Anna Nicole Smith
	A potted plant
	A framed autograph picture of Rosie O’Donnell
	A steaming pile of dog doo