I've Always Got Room For One More Date

Hello darlings! It sure is a joy to be writing a column for the Bilge Bucket Gazette, the finest webzine in all of Cactus Corners. The staff has made me feel so welcome. Even that little wiener, Gomy, took time out from his video game to gawk at my hooters. Isn't that sweet! And Chester is so thrilled that he has someone to watch Jerry Springer and Oprah with. And how could I forget Beulah. She is just panting and nipping at my high heels. Literally. She's really happy to see me folks. I might be off base here, but I think Beulah likes women, you know what I mean.

Well I'm overjoyed to be able to give y'all some advice on day to day living. I meet a lot of folks in my regular job as chief cosmetologist over at Shear Enough and I hear a lot of juicy, gossipy stories. I also see my share of problems where I live at Cactus Needles Trailer Park. Inevitably, when somebody at the salon or the trailer park has a problem, they come to me. Let's just say, Dr. Phil's got nothing on ol' Shirley. Well, Beulah, bless her heart, realized my gift for giving advice and wanted to share it with y'all. So here I am.

I received so many pleasant letters from y'all and I couldn't begin to start answering them all. So I just picked some at random. Enjoy!

Dear Shirley Ray,

I'm a race track announcer and I think you're hot, hot, hot! You make me sweat, sweat, sweat! I want to take you out and buy you the finest chicken fried steak in town, town, town. What would it take for you to go out with me, me, me?

Horny Henry, Henry, Henry

Dear Horny Henry, Henry, Henry,

Calm down, sugar! First of all, you've got to stop all that repeating. It's, how should I say, lame, lame, lame! Second of all, just buy me a twelve pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon, a carton of Virginia Slims and I'm yours baby! Gentleman, start your engine! Should you make reservations at Denny's or should I.

Dear Shirley Ray,

I'm a thirty year old man and I enjoy wearing nothing but a big diaper. Would you be willing to change me?

Little Lord Fondleroy

Dear Little Lord Fondleroy,

That's a loaded question! Sure, I'm game for anything, darling. You bring the baby powder and I'll bring the spanking 'cause I assume you've been a naughty little boy. ;-)

Dear Shirley Ray,

My boss is a hunk. He's part Brad Pitt, part Jerry Springer, part Gilbert Gottfried. But I'm just a plain Jane. I'm flatter than the Gila River and about as pretty as a Gila Monster. What can I do to get him to notice me?

Great Plain Jane

Dear Great Plain Jane,

He's part Jerry Springer, you say. Girl, this sounds like a job for ol' Shirley. Just tell your boss to come by for a haircut at Shear Enough. I'll slip into a nice, red, satin corset, fishnets and seven inch stiletto pumps and have a counseling session with him. If he doesn't return, I'd suggest that makeover show The Swan. I hear they do wonders with beauty challenged girls like yourself. Ciao!

Dear Shirley Ray,

My neighbor's dog sure looks tasty. Is it considered bad manners if I eats him?

Cuzin Merle

Dear Cuzin Merle,

This ain't Vietnam or Florida, sugar. We're civilized folk here in Cactus Corners. Most pets are off limits. I suggest if you get a hankering for varmints, go out to Highway 93 and get some roadkill. Coatimundi cooks up real nice and you only get a hint of that gamey taste. Add some picante sauce for that southwest flavor. Wash it down with some Two Buck Chuck. Yummers!

That's all for this week, darlings. As you can see, I've got some men I've got to...counsel. Talk to you next time.

Love and Kisses!

Shirley Ray,
The Queen Of Cactus Needles Trailer Park