Bush Enjoys Meeting With Commission

President Bush emerged from his meeting with members of the 9/11 commission last week feeling energized and unbelievably exuberant.

"Wow! What a fantastic meeting!" said Bush. "I don't think I've had a more funner time here in the White House. I was a good boy, too. I answered each and every question, sometimes with more than a yes or no." He then leapt in the air and kicked his heels together while yelling, "Yahoo!!"

Commission members had nothing but praise for the President and Vice President.Chairman Thomas Kean said, "I was a bit skeptical at first, but the President mentioned his joke a few weeks ago about looking for weapons of mass destruction and we all started cracking up. What a charmer!"

Vice Chairman Lee Hamilton said, "Oh, he was the cat's meow! I especially liked it when Dick Cheney drank water and President Bush spoke. That was a hoot!"

Commissioner Jim Thompson said, "I thought the president gave a five-star performance." The Republican added, "I wish the American people could have seen it. But of course they can't and they'll never know about it because no records were kept. Hell, I've almost forgot about it myself already."

Many critics have blasted Bush's secretive meetings with the commission as proof positive that his administration is hiding information from the American public about events leading up to the 9/11 tragedy. Bush responded to such accusations with a sneer. "If we had something to hide, we would have stonewalled for months, refused to testify under oath, and not allowed anything to be recorded." He then paused thoughtfully and said, "Let me rephrase that. Look it's Osama!" He then turned and ran back into the safety of the White House.

Frasier Planning Spinoff Show

Friends isn't the only show getting a spinoff series. NBC announced this week that Frasier supporting characters, Gil Chesterton, Bulldog Briscoe and Noel Shempsky will star in the new sitcom, After Frasier, which will be set in a casino in Laughlin, Nevada.

"This show will be a blockbuster just like Joey," said NBC executive Biff Jones. "People love seeing characters they're familiar with, in new, exciting surroundings. After Frasier has everything. Gil, Bulldog and Noel were extremely popular characters and we have no doubt that the show will be a smash hit. Plus you never know what Frasier cast members will drop in for a visit. This also gives Kelsey Grammer the chance to keep the Frasier Crane character going for another ten years, just in case his other projects don't work out."

The premise of the show will revolve around Bulldog (Dan Butler) moving to Laughlin to take care of his ailing father (played by Ed Asner), a former cop who got shot and likes to gamble and drink beer. As it turns out, Gil Chesterton (Edward Hibbert) gets a new job as the food critic in a local casino. Noel Shempsky (Patrick Kerr) joins the fun when he pursues his life long dream of performing as a Klingon in the Laughlin production of the Star Trek musical, The Phantom Of The Enterprise. Together, the four bachelors will have many wacky adventures living it up in Sin City Jr.

Frasier fans were ecstatic about the news. "Oh sure. Everyone talked about Fraiser and Niles or Niles and Daphne," said Beatrice Tilden of Albany, New York. "But for me, it was that spark between Noel and Roz that kept me tuning in week after week."

Hollywood Beat reporter Joel Tinsel said "Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! I can't believe it! Gil Chesterton lives on! In a casino! Now this is 'Must See TV'! I am so there!"

"We're so confident that this show will score, we're putting it in Friends old spot," said Jones. "Take that reality shows!" Jones then pumped his fist and yelled, "Boo-yaa!"

Little League Coach Eyes Major Leagues

Coach Marv Dvorak said yesterday that he suspects that he may be getting a call soon from a Major League club because of his club's performance the last two seasons in the Cactus Corners Little League. His team, the Cubs, comprised of 10-12 year olds, has taken first place in their division each of the last two years.

"There's no question about it," said Dvorak. "They're interested. I'm pretty sure I saw some scouts from the D-backs and Padres in the stands. And why not? I'm the best damn coach in the league. I can see it now. There I am standing in the third base coaching box in Bank One Ballpark, waving in Luis Gonzalez with the winning run." He paused, chewed on his stogie for a moment and continued. "I'm a natural."

Many of the kid's parents have mixed feelings about the coach's methods. "He is a little hard on the boys," said Blanche Lewis. "I believe kids need to learn sportsmanship at this age, not bloodlust. I mean he wants my little Jerry to spike the other boys when he's sliding into bases. He tells the pitchers to throw at the batters. And I don't know where he got the idea that the Majors are interested in him. I mean those men he thought were scouts work over at DMV. They were just wearing D-backs and Padres hats. But don't try and tell him that. He's convinced his next stop is the Major Leagues."

Jake Paulsen said, "He works the boys way too hard. My Justin is an honor role student. He doesn't have time for three-hour workouts, four times a week. He's eleven years old and he's burnt out already. And on top of that, because Justin's such a Poindexter, Dvorak hardly plays him. That really gets my dander up!"

Mike Appleton agreed, "That guy needs to lighten up. When he's hitting fielding practice, you should see some of the bullets he's hitting. And if the boys don't field it cleanly, he hits it harder to them the next time. If my kid wasn't the starting second baseman, I might say something."

The players seem to take Dvorak's coaching in stride. Starting catcher, Tyler Green, said, "Sure he's tough on us, but it's tough love. Like last week when he called me a fat-ass tub of goo who couldn't catch a cold, I knew he meant that in a good way."

Dvorak dismissed any criticism. "There are some parents who call my coaching style extreme," said Dvorak. "All I have to say to them is go screw yourselves you panty waists! My teams are winners." Dvorak stopped and barked a command out to one of his players who just got beaned in the face by a fastball. "Jackson! Quit loafing around! Stop your bleeding and get up off the ground, you wimp!"

Pick Up Lines At Pet Stores

There are some who say that super markets are the best places to pick up members of the opposite sex (or the same sex, if you swing that way.) However, pet stores are rapidly becoming fantastic places to meet others because of one fact: pets are great icebreakers. The BilgeBucket staff has come up with the best lines to use to meet that special someone. Gomy Dinkman says they're foolproof. Of course, that's probably not a good thing. Caution: Cram packed with innuendo! Don't tell the FCC.

	Nice tail! I mean your dog.
	Would you like to see my snake?
	My goldfish just died. I need a hug.
	Hey! I like to hump legs, too.
	I really enjoy looking at your tetras.
	What does this dog bone remind you of?
	Pssst. Wanna act like rabbits?
	Collar and leash, eh? Ruff, ruff!
	I've got a huge cockatiel.
	You like gerbils! Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
	May I pet your pussy?