Bush’s Liar–In-Chief Resigns; Bolten Shakes Up White House

In a stunning development last week, President Bush’s Liar-in-Chief, a.k.a. Press Secretary, Scott McClellan, resigned. This comes on the heels of the resignation of Chief of Staff, Andrew Card, last month. Critics claim this is the White House’s response to plunging poll numbers and increased criticism for the President’s failed Iraqi policy, failure to aid Hurricane Katrina victims, recent revelations about warrantless wiretapping, the botched port security deal with Dubai, the leaking of Valerie Plame’s identity and generally for being the ‘worst president in history’, as a recent article in Rolling Stone put it.

The new Chief of Staff, Joshua Bolten, has been busy making changes to the White House staff. Bolten explained some of the moves. “We’re making some changes here that will hopefully restore some public confidence in this administration. First of all, Karl Rove won’t be involved in policy making any more. He’s officially been demoted to janitor. He absolutely will not be involved in any day to day operations in the White House. No way, no how. Trust me on this one. He’s out. We’re not going to even talk to him...because he’s the janitor now, not an advisor.” Bolten cleared his throat, loosened his collar and continued.

“We’ve also named The Count from Sesame Street as the new Budget Director, since he’s good with numbers and stuff like that. We’re also proud to announce that Jessica Simpson will be the new policy advisor. She’s a popular singer/movie star who is really in touch with today’s young people. She’s intellectually on par with the President and could lend valuable advice on how to be more popular. Boy, we could use that right now.” Bolten loosened his collar even more and took a big swig from a bottle of Jack Daniels.

It’s also been rumored that the new Press Secretary will be none other than Tommy Flanagan, the pathological liar character from Saturday Night Live fame. President Bush said, “It’s going to be hard to replace Scott, but this Tommy Flanagan guy has talent. He’s even more psychotic than I am. Err…I mean more pathological than I am. I always get those two mixed up. Heh-heh.”

When asked to comment on his new position, Flanagan, who is played by actor Jon Lovitz, said, “Press Secretary? Why I don’t know what you’re talking about. Why I’ve never heard of this position. Why I’ve never even heard of this President Bush you speak of. No, no, I’m going to be working for...Fox News. Yeah! I’m going to be an anchor for Fox News! Yeah, that’s the ticket!”

President Bush responded to Flanagan’s remarks by wiping a tear from the corner of his eye and saying, “That was beautiful! That guy is a natural!”

Administration critics salivated at the recent turn of events. Kyle Washington of the citizen’s activist group, Americans For Change, said, “It’s like rats jumping off a sinking ship. Americans are finally waking up to how incompetent this administration truly is. Hopefully, voters will take the next step and oust the Republican leadership in Congress this fall. Then we can put America on the right track again.”

Democrats seemed pleased about the latest turn of events but were reluctant to pursue any further action. Democratic Senator Joe Lieberman from Connecticut whined, “Oh this is just wonderful, but we’re not going to try anything more, like censure or impeachment. That just wouldn’t be nice. I think the President and the Republicans have learned their lesson and they won’t try to bully us anymore. No, we Democrats are just going to sit on our hands and see what the Republicans are going to do next.”

Iranian President Denies Holocaust; Declared ‘Bat Shiite Insane’

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who recently made headlines worldwide by proclaiming that the Holocaust did not happen in World War II, elaborated further last week by denying several other events including his own existence. He explained that nothing is as it seems and prattled on that we’re all just an illusion or as he put it, “all we are is dust in the wind”.

“Not only did the Holocaust not happen, but World War II didn’t happen,” ranted Ahmadinejad. “The Shah of Iran never ruled. American hostages were never taken in 1979, Israel doesn’t exist, the United States doesn’t exist, Iran doesn’t exist, the Miracle Mets never won the ’69 World Series, Full House was never a hit TV show and William Huong never became an international singing sensation.” He then paused and took what looked to be a hit on a joint and continued. “Furthermore, I’m not standing here right now talking to you and you’re not there listening to me. In fact the only thing that does exist is our uranium enrichment program. Therefore, Iran, which doesn’t exist, will have nuclear weapons very soon and become the greatest non existing nation in the history of the world.”

Critics of Iran have expressed concern over the Iranian President’s recent conduct. United Nations Secretary General Kofi Annan said, “The world is indeed in a precarious position. President Admadinejad has openly declared that he wants to wipe Israel off the map. President Bush has indicated he would use nuclear weapons against Iran to prevent them from developing nuclear weapons. And to make matters worse, Tom Cruise is procreating. It’s a mixed up, muddled up, shook up world except for Kofi. Calgon! Take me away!”

British Prime Minister Tony Blair said, “Well, quite frankly, I think Ahmadinejad’s bat-Shiite insane! Get it! It’s a play on words! I say, I think it’s very clever. My wife Cherie loved that one. She laughed for a full five seconds. That’s all I’ve got. Because of Iraq, I’ve got to keep my mouth shut, you know: low poll numbers and all that. Cheerio!”

Iranian Press Secretary Ali Reza Elham downplayed Ahmadinejad’s actions. “Mahmoud hasn’t been himself lately since he got that last opium shipment from Afghanistan. Not that Afghanistan has opium because it surely does not. And we surely do not import opium here because like President Ahmadinejad says, we do not exist. And we certainly do not listen to that decadent western music like Pink Floyd, Kansas, and KC and The Sunshine Band. That music doesn’t even exist. Therefore there is nothing to see here. Move along. This speech did not happen. Look over there. It’s Osama Bin Laden.”

An astonished President Bush remarked on the Iranian President’s speech. “Wow! That’s amazing! He’s better at denying things than I am. I think there’s a place for him in my administration.”

Office Boor Fancies Himself Letterman Heir

According to co-workers at Markham Marketing in the Cactus Gardens Office Park, Office Supply Manager, Irv Stephans, has been bragging that he feels he is funny enough to be the heir to The Late Show With David Letterman.

When asked for comment, the skinny, middle aged, bespectacled Stephans said, “Oh there’s no question about it. I’m hands down the funniest guy in the office. My rapier wit has put many a co-worker in stitches if you know what I mean. Like the time I did my Ed Asner impression. You should have seen the looks on everybody’s faces. Even though I look nothing like him, I think they thought Lou Grant had walked right into the room. I tell ya, I know funny and that was funny.”

Salesman Ty Anderson said, “The guy’s clueless! He wouldn’t know funny if it bit him on the ass. Ed Asner? He looked and sounded more like a chimp with hemorrhoids. We were staring at him because he was just plain bad. I felt embarrassed for him.”

Graphic Designer Chad Melton said, “Every morning he emails everybody these really lamoid attempts at a Top Ten list only he calls it Irv’s Sizzlin’ Seven list. Like yesterday the topic was Top Seven Ways To Ask A Woman Out For A Date. One of the ways was ‘Stalk her until she says yes or calls the police.’ Another one was ‘Crash your car into hers and get her phone number’. That’s not funny. That’s pathetic. He’s lucky the women in the office didn’t file a sexual harassment suit against him. Everyone has pretty much put his emails on automatic delete.”

Financial Analyst Bernadette Stanton said, “He scares me. That last Top Seven list kinda freaked me out. I don’t know where he gets the idea he’s the next David Letterman. When Letterman flirts with his female guests, he’s cute and charming. When Irv flirts with the women in the office, he’s just creepy.”

BilgeBucket Gazette Editor-in-Chief, Dex Rexter, said, “Sure, I know Irv. He’s submitted several articles and story ideas to us. But first of all, we don’t take submissions. Second of all, they weren’t all that funny. Not that we know funny. I mean we are 1/20th as funny as The Onion and working our way up nicely, but his stuff was crap. I mean come on: a recurring feature on a singles adventure club in Cactus Corners. How rank is that?”

Stephans expounded on his plans for the show once he becomes host. “I can see it now. Alan Kalter begins the show and bellows out, ‘And here’s Irrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrv.’ And you know how Johnny Carson swung an imaginary golf club when he came out. Well I’ll come out and do my signature move; a crank of the wrist, you know, like I’m jacking off. It’ll be great! I think my sidekick will be either Carrot Top or that gay guy from Last Comic Standing, Ant .Those guys would be perfect foils to my quirky comic styling. Oh and nothing against Dave, but his material has gotten a bit stale. I’m going to interject new leading edge humor into the show. How about instead of Stupid Pet Tricks we do Stupid Vegetable Tricks. Huh? Huh? See it’s funny because they’re vegetables and not animals. Huh? I’m telling ya, that’s funny schtick. I know funny and that’s funny!”

When told of Stephans’ show plans, Anderson laughed, “That boy needs a tall glass of wake the hell up! You know I’d almost like to see him get a show so I could watch him humiliate himself on national TV.”

When asked about Stephans chances on succeeding Letterman, CBS President Les Moonves responded, “Irv Stephans? Who the hell is that? Hey we’ve already got a lame late night talk show host. His name is Craig Ferguson. Now leave me alone, can’t you see my wife, Julie Chen, and I are having a nooner?”

Dr. Phil’s Top Ways To Improve Your Life

Dr. Phil McGraw has taken television and America by storm. Thanks to his exposure on The Oprah Winfrey Show, he was given his own television show in 2002. He’s even appeared in the recent crowd pleasing movie, Scary Movie 4. Every afternoon, Dr. Phil offers folksy advice for living to troubled, depressed, and gullible viewers. He’s also written several books offering common sense counseling to the confused masses. We’ve read up on Dr. Phil’s pearls of wisdom over the years and we’ve come up with a list of his top no nonsense ways to improve your life. Are you paying attention Gomy Dinkman?

	To live you have to breathe air
	Get your turkey out of the oven or it’s going to get burnt
	If you stub your toe, don’t amputate your foot
	People do what they got to do
	Life is shit when you really look at it (Ooops...Sorry that’s Monty Python)
	Don’t gorge yourself on Cheezits when you can fill yourself up with Cool Ranch Doritos
	Don’t pull out until you are completely finished
	Remember what the dormouse said: “Feed your head”
	Do or do not; there is no try (Ooops...Sorry that’s Yoda)
	Dream big but not too big; you don’t want do better than ol’ Dr. Phil now do you? DO YOU?
	Don’t manage your life; live it
	You can’t just live your life; you’ve got to manage it
	You’re hopeless; just buy my books
	You’re not hopeless; just buy my books
	Death has a tendency to encourage a depressing view of war (Ooops...Sorry that’s Donald Rumsfeld)
	If you can con Oprah into thinking you know something, start pricing solid gold houses
	There’s a stupid cliché for every situation; memorize them and use them every chance you get
	If you haven’t watched my television show, you can’t possibly be happy yet
	Nothing is your fault; it’s all Bill Clinton’s fault