Many Americans Comforted By Bush Administration Deceptions

According to recent polls, George W. Bush's approval ratings have improved, despite revelations of deceptions and misinformation from the White House concerning the war in Iraq by Paul O'Neill, Richard Clarke, John Dean and Bob Woodward. The polls indicate that having a lying, deceitful president leading the country comforts many Americans.

Dwight Rodman of Festerville, Oklahoma, said, "That's what Presidents do. Nixon lied about Watergate. Clinton lied about having sex with all those women. Now Bush has lied about WMDs in Iraq. It's just the American way. Now if someone told the truth, then I'd worry."

Mabel Ellis of Port Drudgery, New Jersey, said, "At least President Bush doesn't have sex with nubile young interns. I can live with a multi-billion dollar war from which we have no clear cut way of exiting and will put us in excruciating debt for years to come."

Theodore M. Farnsworth IV of Crudopolis, Texas, said, "I'm the CEO of a major energy corporation. The President's lies are keeping the attention off me and all the money I'm taking from stockholders. Four more years!"

Byron G. Caldwell of Big Spud, Idaho, said, "I'm the CEO of a major logging corporation. The President's lies are keeping the attention off me and all the regulations that are being relaxed so I can plunder America's forests. Four more years!"

Mildred Dunwiddy of Backwater, South Carolina, said, "Oh, its just a little white lie. Besides, I think the biggest problem this nation is facing is that slut Janet Jackson and her malfunctioning wardrobe."

Phil Smoots of Gator Crossing, Florida, said, "How can America be worrying about a quagmire in Iraq, when people of the same sex are getting married? I just don't get this country."

Jerry Scheissner of Fuddsworth, Missouri, said, "If things are going so bad in Iraq, how come we don't see any pictures of coffins? How 'bout that, smart guy!"

Rev. Aloysius T. Terry of Piggettstown, Mississippi, said, "I'm an evangelical minister and I say President Bush is leading us one step closer to Armageddon and the Rapture. Halleluiah!"

Local Handy Man Half-Asses Repair

Cactus Corners resident Cecil Whitehead filed a complaint with the Better Business Bureau last week claiming that handy man, Dale Huck, completely half-assed the repair of his roof.

Whitehead, who lives in the Cactus Acres subdivision, said, "That guy is a complete fuck up! A chimp could've done a better job than he did. I want my money back!"

Whitehead's tile roof was leaking after a recent rain shower but being retired and on a fixed income, he couldn't afford a higher priced contractor. So he looked in the local classifieds and found Huck's ad, which claimed expert roof repair services at a reasonable price and a money-back warranty.

"I called him because the price was right and he guaranteed his work," said Whitehead. "So he comes over, spends about an hour on the roof and says he fixed the problem. I'm real pleased with myself that I got my roof fixed for just a couple hundred bucks. So he leaves and I decide to climb up on the roof to inspect the work. That jack ass sealed up cracks in my tile with roofing tar! It looked like shit! My leak was by the flashing in my chimney and he's got little terds of black roofing tar on tiles that aren't even close to the chimney! Some expert repair! That Huck is a complete fuck!" Whitehead paused for a few seconds. "Hey that rhymed. Huck is a fuck! Heh, heh!" He then continued. "Anyway I called him back to get him to come back and fix it, and he said because I got on the roof, I violated the warranty, so he's going to have to charge me double. I told that bastard to go to hell!"

When asked to comment on his ineptitude Huck said, "Hey. Whaddya' want for two hundred dollars? Like those Latinos say, 'Carpet deeum' or something like that. He's lucky I even came over to work on his stupid roof in the first place. My time is valuable, you know. Now if you'll excuse, the NBA playoffs are on the tube and I've got pizza and a twelve pack of Bud waiting for me. Smell ya later!"

Top Juice Bar Drinks and Their Ingredients

Juice Bars are still all the rage these days, especially among the health conscious. Some of the smoothies available have outrageous names and even more outrageous ingredients. Our staff has gone undercover and discovered the ingredients to some of the more popular smoothies. Beware! After you read these, you may go back to junk food.

	Hair Of The Dog - hair of the dog, flea powder, toilet water
	Sex On The Beach - mayonnaise, cream of mushroom, cream of asparagus, sour cream, ranch dressing, kahlua cream, hand lotion, sand
	Cactus Cooler - prickly pear pulp, prickly pear fruit, prickly pear needles
	Kamikaze - sake, raw herring, raw tuna, raw squid, jet fuel
	California Dreamin'- bean sprouts, avocadoes, kelp, cannabis, cocaine, essence of smog
	Grasshopper - grasshopper, grasshopper, and more grasshopper
	Road Warrior - tar, asphalt, tire tread, diced roadkill, pulverized aluminum cans, cigarette butts, tomato juice
	Southern Comfort - grits, various vittles, whiskey, gunpowder, pureed possum
	Toxic Sludge - grapes, cherries, banana, ginger
	White Light - DDT, arsenic, benzene, carbon tetrachloride, heptachlor, creosote, a dash of mercury for flavor