BilgeBucket Takes May Off

The BilgeBucket Gazette is taking the month of May off. Chester Einstein, Beulah Snodgrass, Shirley Ray Bodine and myself will be traveling to Bangalore, India to meet our outsourced movie reviewer, Sanjay Tandoori, who is expecting his eleventh child this May. We'll be helping around the house, soaking in the local customs and introducing Sanjay and his wife Sameera to various methods of birth control.

We thought about letting Gomy Dinkman, Little Jimmy Shitzenzimmer, or Lamebeard the Pirate do the issues, but Gomy's too busy playing Doom 3 these days, Jimmy's got school and Lamebeard has been liquored up pretty much since Bush got re-elected. Therefore our next issue will be on June 6th, 2005. Until then, feel free to peruse our latest April 24th issue and our archives. See you in June! - Dex

Tom Delay Declares Himself The Supreme Court

In response to criticism about his ethical breaches, congressional misconduct, and threatening federal judges, Texas congressman, Tom Delay, declared that he was taking control and dismissing the current nine Supreme Court justices and that he would now be the Supreme Court.

“This whole investigation is a political ploy by hateful Democrats and liberal judges to destroy the one good congressman left in America; me!” said a defiant Delay. “Therefore, being the good Christian soldier that I am, I am now declaring that I shall be the lone Supreme Court justice, and all decisions must now go through me. Sorry about the dismissals Anton and Clarence but they don’t call me ‘The Hammer’ for nothing. Unlike Justice Kennedy, I won’t use modern tools like the Internet or write decisions based on international law. My only resource will be my own infallible sense of right and wrong and the Bible. And if anybody disagrees with that, my friends in the NRA will see to it that you do agree with me.”

Republicans defended Delay’s actions. Vice President Dick Cheney said, “So he used $190,000 in illegal corporate contributions to influence elections. So he offered $100,000 in campaign contributions to a fellow congressman in exchange for a vote. So he used a federal agency for partisan politics. So three of his top political associates were indicted for money laundering. So he got a foreign agent to pay for a luxury trip to South Korea for his family. So he stacked the Ethics committee with sympathetic congressmen. So he paid members of his family with campaign money. So he killed a bill that a gambling lobby opposed after they paid his way to Europe. So he received campaign contributions from energy corporations in exchange for consideration creating legislation. Who hasn’t? Tom Delay... nay, all Republicans are infallible.” Cheney stared at reporters and waved his hand. “This is not the congressman you’re looking for. There is nothing to see here. You can go about your business.”

Delay laid out his agenda for the new and improved court system. “Basically, it’s going to be what I say goes. I will be the judicial branch. Dubya will be the executive branch and all the rest of my Republican pals will run the legislative branch. One party governing the land, like it says in the Constitution. Yes, one of my first actions as the Supreme Court will be making sure that everyone registers as a Republican. My second action will be making sure that everyone converts to Christianity. We want to promote a culture of life. That’s why anybody who supports abortion, gun control, euthanasia and birth control will be put to death. The Hammer has spoken!” He then banged his hammer shaped gavel on his bench.

Democrats were very upset about Delay’s ethical misconduct and his seizure of power. Senator Joe Lieberman of Connecticut, whined, “Oh we are very concerned about Mr. Delay’s behavior and his commandeering of the Supreme Court. We’ll be complaining long and hard about this for about two weeks. Then I predict we’ll roll over and forget about it. It’s just too much trouble to protest and cause a fuss. Besides, I don’t mind a Republican agenda since I pretty much one already.”

GM Announces New 2006 Bradley Family Assault Vehicle

GM announced last week that they will now be building a new mega sport vehicle for 2006 that will challenge the Hummer and their popular 2004 Guzzlenaut SUV for control of the sport utility market.

GM spokesperson, T. Criswell Wainwright IV, said, “Americans love powerful vehicles. Americans also love destruction. Therefore we’re announcing the new 2006 Bradley Family Assault Vehicle. The Hummer was a military vehicle that made the successful transition into the ultimate SUV. We feel the FAV will also make the transition and ultimately be the most successful vehicle of all time. It’s both powerful and destructive. It’s a vehicle every patriotic American will want to own.”

James Anderson, spokesperson for Scientists For Alternative Energy Research, said, “I am absolutely speechless! This is an even more irresponsible move than the Guzzlenaut! American automobile manufacturers still haven’t gotten the message. With gas prices rising and America becoming more dependent on foreign oil, we should be focusing on creating alternative transportation. We will never drill ourselves to energy independence. We should be building mass transit railway systems like they have in Europe and Japan. It’s just madness to continue to build an infrastructure on technology that uses a finite resource like oil. We’re setting future generations up for disaster.”

Wainwright adamantly defended the new vehicle. “I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Americans want it big, big, big! They don’t want pussy hybrid vehicles or weenie mass transit. The FAV is BIG and can do it all! It’s basically the same vehicle as the one they use in the army. It gets almost two miles per gallon, and can only go a whopping 45 miles per hour. We’re keeping our oil industry in business with these babies. It’s got a 600 horsepower turbo diesel engine and can comfortably seat 8 people. Not only that, its armor makes it indestructible. It’s armed to the teeth, too. It’s got a 25 mm cannon, a machine gun, a missile launcher and a grenade launcher. If someone cuts you off on the freeway, BAM! Blow ‘em to smithereens with a missile! If some tree hugger flips you off, ram him off the highway and spray his vehicle with machine gun fire. If someone starts honking his horn at you on the freeway because you’re only going 45, hurl a grenade in his direction and he’ll shut up. It’s the vehicle for the today’s ‘In-Your-Face’, violent video game playing, gangsta rapping, hip hopping generation.”

Consumers were ecstatic about the new vehicle. “Wow!” said Jess Perkins, of Armadillo Junction, Oklahoma. “Finally! A vehicle that properly reflects my manhood. I’m so gonna score with the chicks with this thing.”

Senior citizen, Velma Koosman of Palm Stump, Florida, said, “No whippersnapper will dare challenge me on the road now. I can make any kind of turn from any lane I want and you can’t do a damn thing about.”

Gang member and rapper Pablo Salazar of East Los Angeles, California, said, “Yo, this is great! Now we can blow the Rojo Lobos to Kingdom Come. Hey, we might buy a couple and take over the neighborhood, you know man. I hope they make an Abrams Family Tank pretty soon. We could take over LA with that thing.”

Pope Benedict XVI Continues Lovingly Rigid, Dogmatic Agenda

The Catholic Church conclave of Cardinals reached a decision this past week and named German cardinal Joseph Ratzinger as the new pope. Ratzinger will now go by the name Pope Benedict XVI and is the first Germanic pope since the 11th century.

Pope Benedict XVI is a somewhat controversial choice for many in the world. He is known to be the conservative force behind Pope John Paul II traditionalist views and served in the Nazi army during World War II. This has many Jews worried. But Benedict XVI said, “I promise I will reach out to peoples of all faiths. I will sit down with the Jews, the Muslims, the Hindus and the Buddhists. I will open up a dialogue with them. I will explain to them why their religions are wrong and why they’ll burn in hell if they don’t convert.”

Pope Benedict XVI continued his message. “I want to reach out to all those liberal Catholics who are in favor of relativism and secularism which I think is wrong. I think it is wrong to consider new scientific findings and new ways of thinking. As a matter of fact, I’m opposed to all thinking except by me. We must keep our traditional viewpoints forever. I’m even reversing some past changes. Galileo was wrong. The sun and planets revolve around the earth and only prayer and a good bloodletting can cure a person from a serious illness. ”

President Bush was exuberant about the news. “I welcome the addition of another ‘compassionate conservative’, who hates all those smartsy fartsy liberal thinker types. Next to me, he’s the holiest man around. I mean when God wakes up in the morning, he’s calling Pope Benny right after he’s done talking to me. Together, we’ll make it our crusade...crusade, I like that word. Yeah, together we’ll launch a crusade to make sure the world is safe for God fearing Christians, who as we all know here in the United States, are God’s favorite people.”

Some American Catholics had reservations about the new pope’s hard line and rigidness on such issues as involving women in leadership positions in the church, the seeming ignorance of the priest molestation scandals in America, birth control, the anti-choice agenda and the anti-gay doctrine. Kathy O’Shaughnessy of Boston said, “I was hoping for a more open minded person. Women do so much for the church, and yet our only choice for advancement in the church is to be a nun. We want to become priests. But church treats us as second class citizens.”

Sharon Yeardley, of Newark, New Jersey said, “I love being a Catholic but I don’t think anybody has a right to tell me what to do with my body. I not only think the government should stay out of my body, but the church should, too. But yet because of my feelings about abortion, this pope will deny me communion. I don’t think that’s right.”

Boston Archdiocese spokesman Cardinal Beauchamp said, “We appreciate the contributions of women in the church. We really do. But the pope is infallible. We must do what his Holiness says without question. We must be mindless sheep following our shepherd, his Holiness’ holy example. Therefore when his Holiness says to ignore rising population statistics and not use birth control, we must do so. When his Holiness says women aren’t qualified to be leaders, then it means women need to be quiet and blend into the background and do womanly stuff. When his Holiness says to stop giving communion to people who are pro-abortion, then we must do so without question and take control of women’s bodies everywhere. When his Holiness says that homosexuals are evil even though Jesus seemed to only hang around men all the time, then we must treat gays like the evil Satan worshippers they are. There should be no dissent in the church, just like there should be no dissent in this country. George W. Bush and the pope know what they are doing. Trust them. They’re closer to God than you.”

Other people had mixed opinions about the new pope. Dale Jacobsen of Golgotha, Kentucky, said, “I’m not even Catholic, but that papal election was so exciting. I mean when I saw all those priests jumping for joy when they saw the black smoke, I got caught up in the pandemonium myself. It was better than a Rolling Stones concert. Catholic fever. Catch it!” He then took out a lighter and started waving it over his head.

Sheryl Nurdlinger, of Holy Oaks, Virginia, said, “I don’t know anything about the new pope. But I do know that without a doubt, he’s the holiest man on this earth just because he is the pope and I will do whatever he wants me, too. Just look at him. You can just tell he is holy.”

Michael Pavlovisch of St. Swithens, Minnesota, said, “Maybe he can intervene on Michael Jackson’s behalf and persuade us all to just look away and ignore any inconvenient problems. That seems to be working like gangbusters for the Catholic church.”

Top Surprises Revealed In Britney Spears’ New Reality Show

In an effort to forestall the proliferation of crappy television, executives at UPN have decided to give Britney Spears and her new hubby, Kevin Federline their own reality series. The series will focus on the couple and their life from dating to marriage to their first baby. Well, our intrepid staff has obtained a sneak preview of the series and there are some pretty interesting surprises in store for viewers. If you thought you knew Britney, think again. Ooops! She did it again!

	Jessica Simpson stops by and gets in a cat fight with Britney while Kevin and Nick Lachey drink some beers and watch
	Britney spends fifteen minutes explaining the three Laws of Thermodynamics to viewers
	Kevin spends fifteen minutes explaining how to eat a bowl of Rice Krispies to viewers
	An ultrasound shows that Britney’s baby is actually an alien
	Kevin spends a whole show sleeping on the couch
	The camera follows Britney around as she releases her new fragrance, Bayou Skank
	At the wedding, ‘Mrs. Federline’ French kisses all her ‘maids’
	Britney watches American Idol and makes fun of all the ‘talentless bitches’
	Christina Aguilera shows up and gets in a cat fight with Britney while Kevin and Jordan Bratman drink some beers and watch
	Britney gets together with her old Mouseketeer Club friends and go out for some wholesome entertainment at Chippendales
	Britney’s first husband, Jason Alexander (not from Seinfeld), keeps pressing his face up against the living room window of her house pining for the pop diva
	Britney and Kevin honeymoon in various places like Fiji, Las Vegas and the cardboard box behind Hardees in Britney’s hometown, Kentwood, Louisiana
	Kevin helps Britney prepare for the baby by wearing just a diaper and practicing breast feeding
	Justin Timberlake shows up and gets in a cat fight with Britney while Kevin drinks some beers and watches
	Britney admits that the marriage to Federline is just a joke while Kevin sleeps on the couch