Bush Blames Dems For Not Supporting Troops; Rewards Soldiers With Extended Duty

President Bush scolded congressional Democrats for ‘playing politics’ with a recent bill which will provide $100 billion in aid for the troops but also applies a provision that the troops are withdrawn within a given amount of time. Bush is adamantly claiming that a time table for withdrawal sends the wrong message to the troops and has instead decided to extend their tours of duty so that they may get home to their families faster.

“I am shocked and dismayed that the Defeatocrats would play politics at this time with so much at stake,” said Bush, shaking his head in disbelief. “This definitely sends the wrong message to the troops. That’s why I’ve decided to send the troops a strong message of support by extending their tour of duty from 12 months to 15 months. See, I understand the American soldier. They love Iraq. If it were up to them, they’d stay over there forever. That’s why I’m helping them with their wish. Who knows; if my fellow Republicans John McCain or Rudy Giuliani win next year, we may be able to beat this dead horse for four more years at least. That would make Uncle Dick and his pals at Halliburton really happy.”

Democratic Senator Joe Biden of Delaware said, “The President is clearly the one playing politics here. His policies in the Middle East have been disastrous. Iraq is a catastrophe and this administration is in complete denial. The people of this country sent a strong message to the world last November when they elected a Democratic majority in Congress. The message is they are sick and tired of this administration’s lies and they are sick of the way this administration has handled this war. The only message this bill sends to our troops is that we are not only going to support them but we’re also going to bring them home as soon as possible. How is that not a supportive message? The President can pressure us all he wants because in the end, when all is said and done, when the fat lady finally sings… we will absolutely cave in to his demands. Man, we’ve got to get a spine!”

When told of President Bush’s new plan for extended duty, Private Brian Jones, who is serving in Baghdad said, “Oh joy! President Bush has touched my heart with his fabulous message of support. If he gives me any more support, I may never get home. I’ve got patrol in an hour; do you have any body armor I could borrow?”

Americans seem to have mixed views of the President’s tour extension. Mel Dumas Jr. of Flaherty, Texas said, “Those pussy Democraps are already surrendering. We have to keep sending men over there to Iraqistan until we get all that oil that’s rightfully ours. As long as it’s not me going over there, I’ll support this war forever!”

Hester Haskins of Belleville, Georgia said, “Well I think we should always support the President. It’s true that he hasn’t been right once since the war began, but I believe him completely when he says the ‘Surge’ will work. As soon as the civil war stops over there in about ten to twenty years, I’m sure we’ll make some progress.”

Ron Desmond, of Weemawet, Illinois said “Wait a second. I’m confused. How can extending the troops tour of duty help them get home faster? That doesn’t make any sense. I just don’t…ah to hell with it. I’ve got more important things to worry about. Who do you think will win American Idol?”

New Fat Actress Show Sponsored By Jenny Craig

Fox announced that they are creating a new Fat Actress show, which will be sponsored by Jenny Craig and will star Kirstie Alley, new spokersperson Valerie Bertinelli and feature other well known chubby celebrities.

Jenny Craig spokesperson, Velma Hutchinson, said, “Our research shows that our new ads featuring these fabulous full figured gals are scoring off the charts. What could be more fun than a full hour of antics from these zany ladies? Not much in my opinion! In this new Fat Actress, Kirstie will reprise her role and help another newly fat actress, Valerie Bertinelli, to find roles in Hollywood. In our first episode, Tyra Banks will appear dressed in a fat suit and fools the girls into thinking she’s overweight. Then she’ll peel off her fat suit and lecture everybody that it’s okay to be big. Then everybody feasts on delicious Jenny Craig entrees like Chicken Pasta Parmesan, Beef Steak Portobello and Barbecue Pita Puffs. Ummmmmmm! You go girls!”

Valerie Bertinelli’s agent Russ Whitler said, “Everybody loves Valerie Bertinelli! Every teenage boy and some teenage girls in the seventies spent hours fantasizing alone in the room about this girl. Or at least I did. Anyway, as far as we know, nothing has changed. This laughfest will catapult her back into the limelight for sure. Or at least it will keep her off my back for a few months. She’s been a real crank since she filed for divorce from Eddie Van Halen.”

Hollywood Beat reporter Joel Tinsel said “Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Kirstie Alley and Valerie Bertinelli together! It Lucy and Ethel reincarnated! This show is going to be fun with a capital F! The scuttlebutt is that Wynona Judd, Star Jones and Al Roker are already set to guest star. Even new plumpbot, former Vice-President Al Gore, might show up for some laughs. Why I’ve even heard that Nicole Richie is going to blimp up, purge, and then blimp up again, just to keep her career going. Doesn’t Oprah have that market cornered already? Who cares! I’m ready to waste an hour of my life watching these fabulouso ladies!”

When asked to comment on her new show, Kirstie Alley said “Can’t talk now. Eating.” She then proceeded to stuff several servings of Jenny Craig chocolate walnut brownies into her mouth.

Waiting Passengers Savor Buffoon’s Cellphone Call

Passengers waiting for the 6:45 Southwest flight to Kansas City last Thursday at Sky Harbor Airport were thrilled that they got to listen to the cell phone conversation of Cactus Corners resident Mitch Busby. Busby called his friend, Rob Chambers, at around 6:00 and proceeded to talk for at least twenty minutes, providing his fellow passengers with seconds of enjoyment.

“When you get right down to it, I’m a pretty entertaining guy,” said Busby. “This isn’t the first time I’ve delighted crowds while waiting in line. I’m a toilet brush salesman, so I travel a lot. Usually everybody is bored out of their gourd, waiting for flights. So I give one of my many, many friends a call while I’m waiting and engage in some witty repartee much to everyone’s delight. I tell you what, I have no doubt I could’ve been a stand-up comedian.”

“Wow! That was twenty minutes of pure bliss,” said Kay Richards, who was waiting in line right behind him. “I really enjoyed it when he started retelling his drinking adventures from the night before and described his vomiting in such vivid detail. When I heard the part about pizza chunks kerplunking into the toilet, I got chills. And right before my flight, too, which I was already nervous about because I’ve got a fear of flying. Just lovely!”

Passenger David Stankewicz said, “Wow! I can’t decide which part of his endless conversation I liked best. Maybe it was his impersonation of Arnold Schwarzenegger which sounded just like a retarded Bullwinkle. I liked that he repeated it over and over for like five minutes because it really became ingrained into my consciousness. Or maybe it was when he started telling ethnic Italian, Mexican, Irish and Polack jokes. I love Polack jokes because, you know, I’m a Polack. I never get tired of hearing Polack jokes and how stupid we are.”

Beth Schmitz said, “Wow! My favorite part was when he started describing how many ‘bitches and hos’ he’s nailed. I loved hearing how he slipped his last date a Mickey so he could ‘get an easy screw’. Nothing pleases women more than hearing that from a man. I’m actually thinking of finding out where he lives so I can take him out on the town with some of my girlfriends.”

Steward Kyle Borden said, “Wow! I was waiting for the plane to come in so I could assist with passenger unloading and I hear this guy doing a dead on impersonation of Don Imus. Well, I could see everyone in line was just delighted with him so I thought that the Homeland Security agents would enjoy his kind of humor. So I called them over and wouldn’t you know it, he was such a hit, they dragged him off to their office for an exclusive performance. The line appreciated his efforts so much, they couldn’t stop clapping.”

Busby reflected on the incident. “All in all I’d say it was a positive experience. Even the cavity search by Officer Stanley was worthwhile. He was really very gentle. I think if that Last Comic Standing show ever sees the light of day again, I’m going to definitely try out for it. Or better yet…I’ll try out to be a contestant for Deal or No Deal or Identity. My brand of infectious wackiness fits right in on those shows. Look out Howie Mandel! I may just be stealing your job!”

BilgeBucket Gazette’s Sexiest List

Recently Victoria’s Secret released their list of who they thought were the sexiest people in the entertainment industry and athletics. Some of the sexy celebs tabbed by the list makers include Jessica Alba for sexiest actress, Justin Timberlake for sexiest male musician and Jennifer Hudson for sexiest lips. Well, we here at the Bilge Bucket think we’re a fair judge of sexy, so we’ve compiled a list of our own. Compare our list with Victoria’s Secret's and see who knows sexy best.

	Sexiest Radio Talk Show Host – Larry King
	Sexiest Female Talk Show Host – Barbara Walters
	Sexiest Male Talk Show Host – Rosie O’Donnell
	Sexiest Former Child Star Turned Porn Star – Dustin Diamond (Screech)
	Sexiest Hair – 3 way tie between Sanjaya Malakar, Phil Spector and Don Imus
	Sexiest Bald Head – Britney Spears
	Sexiest Rich Bitch Slut – Paris Hilton
	Sexiest Cartoon Character – Sponge Bob Square Pants
	Sexiest Eyes – That Bushbaby guy from American Idol
	Sexiest Lips – Grover from Sesame Street
	Sexiest Gun – 357 Magnum
	Sexiest Doughnut – Krispy Kreme
	Sexiest Cheeseburger – Ultimate Cheeseburger from Jack in the Box
	Sexiest Politician – Dennis Hastert
	Sexiest Deranged Tin Horn Dictator – Kim Jong Il
	Sexiest Web Satirist – Tie: BilgeBucket’s Dex Rexter and BilgeBucket’s Chester Einstein (Hey it’s our list – we can put whoever we want on it)