Upper Slobovia Renews Support of Bush

The Bush Administration received a big boost today from one of its coalition countries. The small Balkan nation of Upper Slobovia renewed its commitment to keep its troop there for one more year. Upper Slobovia is a former Eastern bloc country with a population of about 1000 people and a land area the size of a Juggermart parking lot. It joins the other 34 nations, which comprise almost 10 percent of the troops in Iraq. Britain supplies 7 percent and the United States the remaining 83 percent.

Upper Slobovian Prime Minister, Peter Orchencko said, "We thoroughly support Mr. Bush and his efforts. It also doesn't hurt that we get a little cashola on the side. That money will buy a lot of chickens, blue jeans and uranium. What? Did I say uranium? I meant plutonium."

Upper Slobovia's representative in the coalition is the country's shopping cart inspector, Boris Bullshivitz. His basic duties in Iraq include swatting flies away from American troops, washing socks and getting snacks for officers. "I have no skills really," Bullshivitz said. "I am a, how you say, a go-fer. It's not a great job, but I get a break from all those shopping carts. Of course, now I'm getting shot at. I could do without that."

Orchencko praised Bullshivitz. "Boris is a real hero in our country. There is a rumor that he will be promoted to chief sanitation officer when he returns from duty. We salute you Boris Bullshivitz!" Orchencko then gave the Upper Slobovian national salute, which involves sticking the thumb of your right hand against the tip of the nose and wiggling the remaining fingers.

President Bush expressed gratitude toward Upper Slobovia and stated that the 'Coalition of the Willing' is working. "This great country of Uppity Slobowitzski is proof positive that other nations of the world support us in Iraq. That Boris feller they sent over is a great little toady. We could use more like him in this country. Upyours Slobwickia, I salute you!" Bush then raised his right hand and extended his middle finger.

Rice Warns 9/11 Commission "Don't Mess With Dubya!"

National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice appeared before the 9/11 Commission last week and as expected, supported White House claims that the administration was well aware of the Al-Qaeda threat well before 9/11. This coming a couple weeks after devastating testimony from former counter-terrorism czar Richard Clarke, who stated that the Bush administration wasn't focused on the terrorism threat at all during the summer of 2001.

Rice was bold in her defense of Bush. "I remember the president specifically asking every day. 'What about this Al-Qaeda threat? Let's do like Clinton says and keep a close eye on these guys.' He wasn't focused on missile defense at all. It was terror, terror, terror, even before 9/11."

When asked about the infamous August 6th PDB, which mentioned Osama Bin Laden's desire to strike America, she performed the famous Republican mind trick, mastered by Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld. "This briefing is not important. It's just a historical document," she said, waving her hand in front of her face. "This isn't the silver bullet you're looking for."

Rice also dismissed Richard Clarke's testimony as nothing more than amorous revenge. "Dick had it bad for me and this is just his juvenile way of getting my attention. I mean who can blame him. Look at these gams!" She then rose, raised her long leg and adjusted the garters on her silky thigh high hose.

Commission member, Bob Kerrey, a former senator from Nebraska, who dated actress Debra Winger in the 80's, exclaimed as he slobbered over his microphone, "Va va voom! Condi, I'm a believer!"

Rice concluded her statements saying, "You'd do yourself a favor if you didn't mess with President Bush. He's a missionary man. He's got God on his side. He's got the saints and apostles coming up from behind." She changed emotions dramatically, wiped a tear from her eye and continued. "Is it any wonder that I love the man so much?"

When told of Rice's stellar support of his position, Bush smirked and boasted, "Now can I pick my lackeys or what." He then chuckled to himself for five minutes.

Local Man Invokes Bush Doctrine To Invade Neighbors Garage

Jared Dillman, who lives in the Cactus Vista Subdivision, invaded the garage of his neighbor, Tony Kurzbach last Saturday, claiming that he had weapons of mass destruction. Dillman cited the precedence set down by the Bush doctrine, which states that it's okay to pre-emptively invade a place if there is a concern weapons of mass destruction might be present.

Dillman defended his actions. "Kurzbach came home last Saturday carrying this big box. I didn't know what was in that box. It could have been a grenade launcher. It could have been anthrax. It could have been a dirty bomb. I didn't know. But I've had my suspicions about Kurzbach. I mean he looks all swarthy and he's got that unibrow thing going. He could very easily be one of...them."

Dillman continued. "So he leaves for the night, probably to meet with some terrorists. That was my chance. I picked his lock and rummaged around his garage. I scoured the place, but unfortunately I didn't find any WMDs. I did find some Heavy Metal CDs, though. That's audio terrorism! So I took them. Kurzbach sometimes plays his music a little loud on the weekend and I'll be damned if I'm going to let the neighborhood be exposed to Yngwie Malmsteen."

Kurzbach was livid at the invasion. "First of all, I'm part Italian, part Hungarian, so I'm sorry I'm a little dark and hairy. Second of all, I'm a third generation American who loves this country. I have no intention whatsoever of doing anybody any harm. That 'box' was a DVD player I was getting as a gift for my grandmother. That asshole busts into my garage and rips through everything. I think I'm missing my Rob Zombie CDs."

The police say their hands are tied. "We'd really like to help," said Officer Ted McGriff as he munched on a Krispy Kreme. "But we're talking the Bush Doctrine. If it's good enough for our president, who are we to argue. Besides, who really wants to listen to Whitesnake anymore? They're so 80's."

Neighbors had mixed reactions. Gladys Stephans said, "I don't think Jared was right, but then again Tony could have had a nuclear bomb. It all turned out for the best because he destroyed those damn CDs. I've heard just about enough of Motörhead. That's definitely a weapon of mass destruction as far as I'm concerned."

Mildred Dressler said, "I appreciate that I don't have to put up with any more Ratt while I'm watching Dr. Phil, but Jared probably should apologize for trashing Tony's garage."

Dillman scoffed at the notion of apologizing for the intrusion and destruction. "Are you kidding me? We live in the Age of Dubya. I can be arrogant, belligerent, and do anything I want and not apologize for squat. You know. Come to think of it. I saw Mrs. Dressler carry some pretty suspicious grocery bags in from her car the other day. Time to do my patriotic duty!"

Alternate Catch Phrases For Donald Trump

Donald Trump, star of the hit NBC series the Apprentice, recently announced his desire to trademark his phrase, 'You're fired!' Our fearless staff has done a little snooping and we've discovered that the Donald is considering other phrases for future use and trademarking. Cha-Ching! The rich keep getting richer.

	Guess what? Monkey Butt!
	The Donald is in the house!
	You've just been Trumpified!
	My hair is alive!
	You've been dealt... the Trump card! (Audience gasp)
	You've done schizzled my fazizzle!
	Would you like to see my Trumpus room?
	Trumpity doo dah, Trumpity ay! My oh my, you'll be going away!
	No words, just The Donald making the shape of an L on his forehead
	I'm Trumpdiddlyicious!
	You're a pain in the Trump!
	God calls me Sir!