Congress Sez Immigrants Must Leave; Native Americans Regain Control

In an effort to put an end to the illegal immigration imbroglio once and for all, Congress hastily passed a comprehensive immigration bill which states that all immigrants must leave the United States. However, because it was drawn up so rapidly and carelessly, the wording of the bill suggests that all immigrants dating back to the beginning of the country should emigrate. Therefore the only inhabitants allowed to stay under the new law will be Native Americans.

Navajo nation spokesman, Joe Begay, said, “This is a glorious day for all Native Americans. We’ve been waiting for a greedy and inept Congress to come along and the Great Spirit has delivered. Those boys in Washington couldn’t blow their noses without help. Sure, bilking the white man’s money away through casinos was poetic justice, but this is the White Buffalo. Hmmm. I think the White House will make a very nice hogan for President Joe Shirley’s family.”

When asked how Congress could have let this happen, Tennessee Senator Bill Frist said, “Wow. We really clusterf**ked this one didn’t we? Well, it serves the American people right for electing us into a position of power and responsibility in the first place. Come on, we’re idiots, people!”

Speaker of the House, Dennis Hastert concurred with Frist. “The fault here lies squarely with the American people. After the first Bush Administration, the voters in 2004 should have seen how incompetent we were and voted us out of office. But nooooooo! They had to put our sorry asses back in office. Let this be a lesson to all of you. Politicians, especially Republicans, suck!”

Some Senators were in denial about the bill and insisted that they could stay. Alaska Senator Ted Stevens said, “It states clearly on page 651, section D, paragraph 3...er...wait...that paragraph permits drilling in the Arctic Wildlife Refuge. Whoa! How did that get in there? Heh-heh. Heh-heh. Look over there! It’s Osama Bin Laden!”

Many legislators expressed a desire to return to the lands of their ancestors. Massachusetts Senator Ted Kennedy said, “I look forward to returning to Ireland where it’s happy hour 24/7. I’m going to get so shitfaced.”

President Bush had mixed emotion about leaving the country. “On the one hand I’m going to miss being King. On the other hand, with Scooter Libby singing and all, my goose is pretty much cooked here any way. Since I can’t be King here any more, I think I’ll go over to Iraq. They love me there. Things are going so peachy keen, they might even make me King. Take that Saddam! Look like the foot’s on the other shoe.”

Native Americans have many plans for the new America. They plan to replace shopping malls with vast prairies for buffalo, reintroduce the horse for transportation and build a huge wall to repel invading Mexicans.

Telemarketer Calls Mandel During Deal Or No Deal

Deal or No Deal host, Howie Mandel, was shocked last week when he received a call from a telemarketer instead of from the banker during the crucial part of the popular prime time game show when a deal is offered to the contestant for the contents of his chosen briefcase. In this particular case, contestant Gary Beasley had just one possibility remaining in the ‘big money’ right hand column and several small denominations in the left hand column.

“I couldn’t believe what I was hearing,” said Mandel. “We’ve got tension up the wazoo and I pick up the phone thinking it was going to be the banker and it’s some guy asking if I’m satisfied with my long distance service. I thought we passed a bill preventing this kind of thing. I was so annoyed I almost didn’t stay on the line to hear what fantastic savings I would have if I switched to Sprint.” Mandel then broke into his ‘Bobbie’s World’ voice and added, “I said ‘Deal’ to that.”

Mandel then received phone calls from his broker, a candidate for city council and from his wife who wanted him to pick up some bread, eggs and tampons from the store on his way home.

Beasley was a bit perturbed by the interruptions. “There I was, my existence hanging in the balance and Howie was gabbing on the phone about phone rates. How dare he ignore me like that? I felt invisible. Hello! Wacky contestant here! Finally the banker called and offered me a cool thousand dollars. Although there was only one big money briefcase up there, I said ‘No Deal’. My seven year old son, who knows nothing about probability and statistics, agreed with me whole heartedly.”

At game’s end, after stubbornly refusing all the banker’s offers, Beasley opened his briefcase and won $1.

“Well at least I can take the bus home,” said Beasley. Then realizing bus fare was two dollars, he broke into tears. “Oh, I am such a boob!”

Mandel commented afterward, “How heartbreaking! Ooops. I wonder what kind of tampons my wife wants. I better call her back using my new Sprint savings plan.”

Bonds Encourages Youngsters: “Take Your Flax Seed Oil Everyday”

Barry Bonds said last week that the media has made too much of his steroid use and that it really isn’t a big deal. In fact, he encouraged youngsters to get a head start on their little league opponents by using flax seed oil and creams now.

“Why does the media persecute me so?” sighed Bonds. “I know how Jesus felt now, because no human should have to endure what I’ve gone through. All I did was bulk up a little so I could break records I normally wouldn’t have a chance of breaking. Is that so wrong? No, of course not. I’m a professional athlete, ergo, I’m incapable of making mistakes. Thusly, I recommend all kids to get your mommies and daddies to supplement your diet with a healthy daily dose of steroid cream and flax seed oil. You’ll be kicking your classmate’s ass in no time.”

Other ballplayers voiced their support to Bonds. Giants teammate Steve Finley said, “Can’t we just put this behind us. So he lied and cheated. Everybody lie and cheats, right? Look at Congress.”

Giants infielder Omar Vizquel, said, “We’re professional athletes. We’re allowed to behave badly sometimes because we’re such perfect physical specimens. We can catch, throw and hit balls better than you. That’s why we’re gods to you. We’re richer than all of you, too. So just remember your place fans. You worship us. Just keep paying your forty bucks a game for the privilege to ogle our god like bodies and be thankful you have baseball.”

Rafael Palmeiro said, “Everybody says taking steroids is so wrong. Look the only side effect is a little erectile dysfunction and you can take care of that with Viagra. Besides, I don’t care what those ‘scientific’ tests say. I didn’t take steroids.”

Little leaguers took Bond’s message to heart. Scotty Dillard of the El Cajon Cubs little league team said, “Bonds is right. Everybody cheats: corporations cheat on their taxes; politicians cheat to win elections; dad cheated on mom. Tonight I’m digging into mom’s purse and get me some steroid money. I’ll be the most ripped sixth grader in school. So I’ll be impotent. Who cares about girls anyway? I’m gay!”

Bonds added, “Don’t be like Mike. Be like Barry.” Bonds then flexed his biceps and ripped his T-shirt. “That’s what I’m talking about!”

Top Ways To Avoid The Bird Flu

Health experts are predicting that the Avian Influenza Virus a.k.a. the Bird Flu is on its way to America and there is no way to stop it. There isn’t a vaccine yet for the virus and it could bring about a global pandemic resulting in millions of deaths. Homeland Security Secretary, Michael Chertoff, recently warned people to keep powdered milk and canned tuna under their beds as precautions. While we’re not sure why this prevention method was mentioned (consider the source), the BilgeBucket staff has donned our stethoscopes and come up with our own ways to avoid the bird flu. Just remember: Beware the ducks!

	Sprinkle the powdered milk all over your body...flu viruses hate powdered milk
	If you see the virus attacking you, hurl the can of tuna at it
	Pray to President Bush...er...God for protection
	Don’t worry; FEMA will save you from harm
	Shoot every bird you see
	Shoot every animal you see
	Ah hell! Shoot every thing you see
	Curl up in fetal position in your bathtub and hope the rapture comes soon
	Do the Funky Chicken (not really preventative; just fun)
	Have a heaping helping of arsenic soup
	Get plenty of plastic sheeting and duct tape...oops that was for terrorist attacks
	Reach a Zen like state and meditate the following mantra “You must be the H5N1 virus. You must be the H5N1 virus.”
	What’s for dinner? Beef, of course! (Paid for by the National Beef Council)
	Move to Skull Island and take your chances with the giant apes and dinosaurs
	Start smoking like a fiend so you die of cancer first
	Hire Dick Cheney as your personal bodyguard