Bush Blames Not Me For Iraqi Troubles

Last week, President Bush announced the findings of his own presidential WMD commission. President Bush said the 692 page report revealed that the faulty intelligence in Iraq was because of the cute puckish sprite from the Family Circus comic strips, Not Me. Ida Know, Not Me’s frequent cohort, may have been an accomplice.

“We believe that these delightfully mischievous little imps that have entertained us for years have escaped the comic strip world, Toontown, and have wreaked havoc with the real world,” said Bush. “Gosh! I just love that comic strip. Laura still reads it to me every Sunday. Dolly reminds me so much of Jenna. And Barfy is a dead ringer for Barney. Oh, oh, I especially love when little Billy leaves dots all over the place where he’s gone. I wish I could do that with Uncle Dick. I swear I never know where he’s at any more.”

When asked by a pliant press on the whereabouts of Not Me, the President said, “Ida Know.”

When asked who’s responsible for handling the failed intelligence in Iraq, the President replied, “Not Me.”

The fawning press laughed heartily for several minutes, let the matter drop and asked the President about more important concerns, like what he thought of the Michael Jackson trial.

When asked about the last time he saw Not Me, Family Circus creator, Bil Keane, said from his Paradise Valley, Arizona home, “Ida Know. Come to think of it, Not Me hasn’t been around here for some time. I wouldn’t put it past him to cause trouble like that. When he and Ida Know get together, you never know what kind of crazy shenanigans they’re going to pull.”

Citizens seemed satisfied with Bush’s explanation. Joel Rogers, of Diamond Bar, South Dakota, said, “I know that Not Me has certainly screwed up my life. He ruined my marriage, got me arrested for armed robbery, made me an alcoholic and cost me my job. I hope they fry the little bastard. Then maybe my life will get better.”

Mildred Egan, of Mudpuddle, Kentucky, said, “That little rascal is the reason I’m two hundred pounds overweight, smoking incessantly and without a husband. He’s constantly telling me to eat, smoke and stop exercising. Why he’s worse than Osama Bin Laden. If the President catches him, I’m sure all my problems will go away.”

Joan Hager, of Drossville, Texas, said, “I’m not surprised one bit. That little guy seems to cause an awful lot of problems. But how can you get mad at him. He’s so charming and adorable. What? We’re not talking about the president. What were we talking about?”

Cardinals To Choose New Pope

Following the death of John Paul II in the Vatican last week, the Arizona Cardinals will now begin the arduous task of choosing the successor for the popular but controversial pontiff.

Cardinals spokesman Frank T. Dupont spoke about the upcoming decision. “The Cardinals are extremely honored to be selecting the next leader of the Roman Catholic Church. It’s a daunting task because quite frankly we don’t know nothing about choosing no pope. We know about running a down and out, executing a naked reverse or implementing a 4-3-4 defense. Well, honestly we don’t know much about that either. We haven’t won a lot of football games in the last forty years. Hopefully, we can do a better job choosing a pope that we do playing football.”

The whole decision process is clouded in mystery. The players and coaches cloister themselves inside their training facility for days on end, consisting mostly on pizza and beer. Nobody knows for sure what they do during this time. Some conjecture that they play video games, have towel fights and watch Oprah and The View. At the end of each day, they burn somebody’s jock strap. If talcum powder is added, a white puff is produced meaning a pope’s been chosen. If a black plume appears, it means that the strap’s owner probably had an STD and Domino’s can continue delivering pizza.

Rumor has it that the Cardinals have already narrowed their selection down to three candidates. “We’re seriously thinking about getting a pope who can relate to people, especially football fans,” said Dupont. “We’re looking for someone who won’t make us feel guilty about watching football on Sundays. We’re considering in no particular order: John Madden, Joe Montana, and the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders. Right now I’d have to say John Madden has the inside track, just because of his experience and enthusiasm. Also, several players think he would look funny wearing robes and riding in the popemobile. He’d be entertaining that’s for sure; a lot more so than those glumlords living in the Vatican. Have you seen those guys? They never smile. What a bunch of killjoys! But look at all the miracles Joe Montana performed as a quarterback. You can’t discount that. And of course you’ve got to regard the raw sex appeal of the cheerleaders. They’d make me come to church every Sunday.”

When told he was in the running for pope, John Madden seemed exhilarated. “Wow! I can’t believe it!” said a jubilant Madden waving his hands all about. “I didn’t even know I was Catholic. This is almost better than winning the Super Bowl. Now I can sell the ol’ Madden Cruiser and take the popemobile to games. Boom! Wham! That’s fantastic!”

People seemed genuinely excited about the prospects for pope. Devout Catholic Raymond O’Brien said, “I think John Madden would be a delightful pope. He could put together an All-Madden Team of saints and angels to whom we could pray. That would be keen!”

College linebacker David Mack said, “Wow! If the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders became pope, I’d definitely convert to Catholicism.”

Cardinals fan Kurt Kosiski said, “Whoa man! That’s heavy! I’ve got an idea for creating the puffs of smoke, man. Me and my toking buddies would be glad to help out there, man.”

Prayer Lines Clogged For Schiavo, Pope

A crisis occurred last week in heaven when billions of people across the globe simultaneously prayed for Terri Schiavo and Pope John Paul II causing ancient prayer lines to temporarily clog, preventing many prayers from getting through to intended saints, angels, and deities.

Lead prayer center agent, Saint Sixtus said, “Jesus Christ, what a mess! Oops did I just use the Lord’s name in vain. Well, I’m sorry J.C! We’ve really got to update our technology here. I mean we might have been able to keep Terri Schiavo alive for a few more days if those prayers hadn’t been lost. Boy, St. Paul really chewed my butt out for that one.”

President Bush spoke on behalf of Jesus Christ. “People, we’re going to need to update these old prayer lines. I mean don’t you hate it when you pray for something and don’t get it? It hasn’t happened to me lately, but it’s still annoying. Why I was talking to God just this morning, and the connection was all garbled. I could have sworn he said to invade Iran. Now I can’t take chance on orders from the Big Guy, so I guess we’re going to invade Iran. The bottom line is, if we don’t help streamline prayer technology those terrorists prayers to Allah will get through quicker and then who know what will happen. Fear, fear, fear! Terror, terror, terror!”

Reverend Eugene Bilkwell of the Fourth Evangelical Church of Latham, Louisiana said, “I’ve been predicting this for years. My brethren, we need to upgrade to PT1 or PT3 lines as soon as possible. This technology offers wider bandwidth so Christian prayers get through quicker than Muslim, Hindu or Jewish prayers and they have less of chance of getting dropped. But it’s going to take money folks and lots of it. So be sure and give generously to your church each and every week. We’ll make sure it gets to the right people in heaven. Remember we’ve got better connections than normal people.”

All signs seem to indicate the panic has subsided. Saint Sixtus said, “Well everything has calmed down for now. We’re occasionally hitting spikes for the Michael Jackson trial, but traffic seems to have dropped off precipitously for that freak. Yeesh! I ain’t voting for that guy to get in here. But those crappy old Seraphim 1000 lines, which are as old as Methuselah, aren’t going to hold much longer especially if Bush invades Iran. It’s going to be Panic City!” After a short pause, a perplexed Saint Sixtus remarked, “Are you sure this Bush guy is in good with Jesus? Because he really seems like a bonehead to me.”

Top Events At The Royal Wedding

Prince Charles of Britain finally married his long time mistress Camilla Parker Bowles Saturday in a ceremony at St. George’s Chapel in Windsor Castle. The two divorcees have received years of criticism and scorn from the British public for their clandestine affair while Prince Charles was married to the beloved late Princess Diana. But everything seems to be on the mend as the couple’s wedding went off with nary a hitch. The BilgeBucket staff has compiled a list of the top events at the royal nuptials. Cheers!

	Potato sack race at the reception won by the Queen and Prince Phillip
	Princess Ann ripping off her clothes and joining the streaker who surprised the royal motorcade
	The Archbishop of Canterbury falling asleep while Prince Charles recited his vows
	The smashing Nazi SS costume worn by Prince Harry
	Reception DJ: Sir Paul McCartney
	The British crowds lovingly throwing tomatoes at Camilla
	Prince Charles’ Bentley festooned with tin cans, beer bottles and small furry animals
	Watching the Queen do The Chicken Dance with the newlyweds
	Sales of T-shirt featuring Camilla’s head on a chihuahua’s body saying ‘Yo quiero Prince Charles’ go through the roof
	Prince William shows up with his hair in dreadlocks, wearing a tie-dyed t-shirt and stoned off his gourd
	Dinner buffet featuring bangers and mash
	The Queen’s witty, insightful remark comparing Camilla to the winner of the Grand National Horse Race followed immediately by Prince Charles saddling up Camilla and riding her around the reception hall
	Watching guards carrying a kicking and screaming Joan Rivers away to the dungeon after she makes one too many gag gestures describing Camilla’s wedding attire
	The food fight at the end of the reception
	Prince Charles is smitten by Dame Edna at the reception and begins a new secret love affair