Bush Cites Progress In Iraq

On the fourth anniversary of the Iraq War, President Bush scoffed at critics last week who favor the withdrawal of troops from Iraq and stated that the war is progressing nicely and to pull out now would send the wrong message to the insurgents.

“People, despite what the ‘liberal’ media is saying, things are going just fine in Iraq,” said Bush. “The Iraqi citizens need time to work things out, that’s all. They are not in a civil war. Like Condi said about Lebanon, they’re having birth pangs of Democracy. I like that: Birth Pangs of Democracy. Condi shoulda been a poet. Anyhoo, I do know one thing. If we withdraw our troops, violence will break out all over the place. Suiciders will become emboldened and start blowing up our troops and innocent civilians. Insurgents will start blowing up mosques and Baghdad will become a mess. My good friends at Halliburton won’t be able to continue to make their kajillions of dollars, which in turn will hurt our war based economy. By the way, kudos on the move to Dubai. That’ll teach the government to try and steal your money.” Bush then gave a quick thumbs-up to the cameras.

Bush continued. “The Democrats must quit playing politics and pass the $124 billion emergency spending bill. I’m just sick of them playing politics like they’ve done for the past six years, just ramming their agendas down people’s throat. Wait. That was me. Heh-heh. My memory gets fuzzy sometime. I do know one thing. We need to pass this bill or else God will strike us all dead. I spoke to the Big Guy this morning over a bowl of Wheaties and he said so. So if you don’t want God to hit us with some terrible plague, hurricane or new reality show, you’ve got to do what I say and accept it as law. I’m kind of like the new Moses.”

Barnard Hodges, of the watchdog group, Citizens Watch, stated, “The President is completely ignoring reality in Iraq. Statistics show that 3 out of four Iraqis think the United States is playing a negative role there and nearly eighty percent of Iraqis oppose U.S. presence there. I think the Bush administration needs to drink a couple gallons of ‘Wake the Hell Up’ and quit sacrificing our soldiers and taxpayers money to support his ill-conceived neocon fantasy.”

Vice President Cheney emerged from his underground lair and stated, “This just shows how out of touch the Democrats are with the real world. I’m telling you, the insurgents are in their last throes. Iraqis love us. Democracy is blooming like a stinkweed not only Iraq but in Afghanistan. I just returned from there and they were so happy to see me, they had a big fireworks display for me. The ‘liberal’ media said it was some kind of bomb. Ha! They love me over there. But most importantly, thar’s oil in them dunes, people! We’re not leaving until all those wells are dry. We need that precious, precious, precious juice of life.”

Former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, issued a statement of support for the Iraq War and the President from his residence in Maryland, where he was busy fighting war games with himself in his back yard. “Like I said before, freedom’s untidy. Death has a tendency to encourage a depressing view of the war. But, you go to war with the army you got not the army you want. Needless to say the President is correct, whatever it was he said. I don’t do predictions. I don’t do quagmires. I don’t do foreign policy. I don’t do diplomacy. I don’t do windows. I do do doo-doo. I do do doo-ran. I do-do-do da da-da-da. That’s all I want to say to you. Saddle up soldiers! We’re moving out!” Rumsfeld then took off at full gallop atop his broom horsey toward a nearby windmill.

Americans generally expressed displeasure with the way things are going in Iraq. Tom Haley of Bricksport, Virginia said, “You know, we’ve been over there for four years and it seems like any progress we make in a week gets destroyed the next week. But I want to support our troops so I’d give us ten more years and if things are still going badly, then maybe we should pull out.”

Emily Davis of Weaverton, Wisconsin said, “To me it’s looking like a civil war. Our boys are sitting ducks for those insurgents over there. The Iraqis need to take charge of their own situation. I really think we should withdraw our troops…but if President Bush says God wants us to stay there, then I guess we have to stay there. He’s closer to God than I am.”

Dale S. Thompsen of Winston, Kentucky said, “I think we should march right out of Iraq… and march right into Iran. Seize those limey sailors will ya? Surge!!!!!”

Bush Defends Secret Testimonies

The recent dismissal of eight U.S. attorneys, apparently approved by Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, has shocked many Americans. The Democratic controlled Congress is now asking questions about whether the dismissals were politically motivated given that they were in mid-term and not at the beginning, when most firings occur. In an effort to shed more light on the subject, Congress has asked President Bush’s advisors Karl Rove and Harriet Miers to testify under oath before Congress on the firings. However Bush has been resistant to any Congressional demands.

President Bush, trying to recapture the glory of the Reagan years, said, “There they go again. The Democrats in Congress are just playing politics again like they’re doing with the war on Iraq, global warming, the gargantuan deficit, the Scooter Libby trial, the Valerie Plame leak, the Abu Ghraib torture scandal, the domestic spying fiasco, the Katrina disaster, the Jack Abramoff scandal, the Tom Delay scandal, the Duke Cunningham scandal, the Enron scandal, the Mark Foley scandal, the Terri Schiavo debacle, the bleak state of health care coverage, and the growing gap between rich and poor. And now they’re gunning for ‘Fredo’ Gonzales, ‘Turd Blossom’ Rove and ‘Dirty Harriet’ Miers. According to my version of the Constitution, Congress is not the boss of me. Therefore, I have executive privileges, as do my faithful bootlicks. Karl Rove, Harriet Miers and others are no under any obligation to testify under oath to anything. Of course, I’m invoking executive privilege. I’ve been privileged my whole life, so why shouldn’t I be privileged when I’m presidenting? Heh-heh.”

President Bush then laid the ground rules for any questioning of his subordinates. “Listen folks. Here are the rules if you’re going to question my people, see. First of all, they don’t have to swear under oath. There will be no Bibles in the room, and no questioners can look them in the eye. They have to be questioned in a secret, undisclosed location, like Uncle Dick’s bunker or our torture chambers in Europe. Any questions must pertain to the following subjects: sports, Texas, or barbeque. They must be able to answer their question while sitting in a recliner, sipping on a nice, refreshing beverage like beer. A big screen TV must be provided in case there is a lull in the questioning. And most importantly, you can’t record their answers. You can’t even remember what they said. As long as these rules are followed, you can ask them anything.”

Harriet Miers said “Oh I may have suggested a few firings here and there. My memory is so hazy these days. All I know is President Bush is the smartest man in this country and I will do whatever he tells me to do. Even go to women’s prison for the rest of my life if it means I protect his privileged white ass.”

Karl Rove said, “Oh my memory is so hazy these days I can’t even remember my raucous dancing from a few nights ago at the White House correspondent’s dinner. But I’m outraged that John Edwards is using his wife’s cancer thing as a ploy to get sympathy at a time when our beloved spin secretary Tony Snow is battling cancer. The nerve of some people!”

Alberto Gonzales said, “My memory is so hazy these days. Actually, my memory is hazy going back to about 2003. I do know I am not responsible for these firings. I don’t know what was going on. I don’t know who authorized it. I don’t even know who works at the Department of Justice. What am I the attorney general or something? But like I said, I am not responsible.”

Scooter Libby, who was recently convicted of perjury and obstruction of justice in the leaking of Valerie Plame’s secret identity, said, “Looks like I’ll be getting a new roommate soon. Alberto will make a fine stoolie. Plus, he’ll keep me warm on those cold winter nights.”

Ad Sign Holder Patents Twirl

Local advertisement sign holder, Kelvin Taylor, who usually works the corner of Coyote and Roadrunner near the Cactus Corners Mall, has submitted a patent for what he considers is a unique wrist twirl he does with the sign that catches passing motorist’s attention.

“See, my wrist is double jointed,” explained Taylor. “So I can give my signs some extra twirl.” Taylor then demonstrated his move with a sign he was holding. “See the almost 360 degree motion captures the attention of any passing motorist. They’re like ‘What the hell was that spinning motion.’ And I’m like, ‘Yo, it’s just my sign.’ Plus I add some spin moves and groove steps and people can’t help but fall under my spell. All the businesses in the area want me: Crazy Barry’s Furniture Emporium, Computer Castle, Lusty Pete’s Sex Super Store. If they want their business to be noticed, they come to the Kelvinator.”

Barry Reed, owner of Crazy Barry’s Furniture Emporium, raved about Kelvin’s skills. “Oh Kelvin’s the best. Absolutely! The other sign holders just kind of go through the motions. Maybe it’s the low pay, the dullness of the job or the scorching 110 degree heat, but for whatever reason, they’re just not into it. Kelvin, on the other hand, puts a lot of effort into his routine and it shows. He’s out there inventing moves, juking and jiving, making things happen on that corner. And that twirl he’s got; it’s solid gold! It’s definitely worth the extra twenty cents an hour I pay him.”

Patent lawyer, Larry Felderman, says Taylor has a great chance of obtaining a patent. “I’d have to say this is the first request for a patent in the field of human billboardery. I believe he’s got a very good chance of getting one since the field is so wide open.”

Rob Grant, a sign holder for Hammerstein’s Jewelry, commented on Taylor’s skills. “There are a lot of basic moves that every sign holder has to have. There’s the standard sign jiggle. Then there’s the more advanced sign flip. But you can’t do that on windy days or you’ll lose your sign. But there’s no question the Kelvinator is one of the best in the business. He’s so creative with his moves. Just watching him do that thing with his wrist makes me squirm. And his dancing is awesome. He should be on Dancing with the Stars.”

However, George Jackson, a sign holder for Petz Palace, said Taylor is overrated. “Come on man! Anybody can do those kinds of twirls if you’re not wearing a costume. I’d like to see him try doing that wearing the dog costume I’ve got to wear when I’m holding my sign. Especially in the summer! I’m sweating my ass off in that thing! I tell you one thing; us sign holders wearing costumes get no respect. No respect at all, I tells ya!” Jackson then adjusted his costume dog collar.

When asked how he plans to spend the extra money he’s earned from the Crazy Barry’s gig and the royalties from his patent, Taylor beamed, “Let’s just say the Kelvinator is eyeing a sweet tasting meal over at Arby’s.”

Local ‘MVP’ Always Getting Hurt

Weldon Cheevers, who lives in the Blooming Cactus subdivision and plays on numerous sports teams with the Cactus Corners Recreational Sports League became injured again last weekend while playing softball on The Tofu Cowboy’s Samurai Cowdudes team. From preliminary reports, the self-proclaimed ‘MVP’ will be sidelined probably until the end of the spring season in June.

“Well I had just got done slamming one to the right center field gap,” said Cheevers. “When I was rounding first base, I felt a twinge in my right thigh. I knew it was my hamstring. I injured it two years ago trying to make a spike in sand volleyball. I tell ya, if I hadn’t gotten injured that year, I would’ve led the league in spikes, guaranteed. I’m sure I would have been leading hitter on the team this year. All my coaches growing up said I was a natural but something always happened and I usually end up missing most of the season.”

Cowdudes coach Mike Jennings said, “Well, I’m sorry to see Weldon get hurt, but then again we’re used to it. It’s like a broken record. He tells us how he’s been working out and he’s all healed from his last injury. We get our hopes up, because he is a decent hitter and then in the second or third game of the season, he’s running, hitting, sliding or chewing gum and he grabs a body part and starts yelling ‘I’m hurt! I’m hurt’. It’s the same whether it’s softball, volleyball, basketball or chess. Then he sits on the bench the rest of the year talking about how he misses playing and how he’d be ‘tearing it up’ if he were playing.”

Teammate Randy Tatum said, “Cheevers sucks! The guy gets hurt, shows up to the game with crutches or a cast and starts chatting with the women in the stands telling them how if he hadn’t gotten hurt he’d be out there leading us on the victory. And they fall for his shit thinking he’s actually good. Next year, I’m thinking of playing on the Jeanie’s Dress Shoppe’s team.”

Another teammate, Bill Lewiston, who played on several sports teams with Cheevers in high school said, “Weldon had a great year on the sophomore basketball team and he’s been milking that ever since. He got hurt junior year making a lay-up and got hurt senior year making a free throw. Then junior year in baseball he strained his back carrying the equipment bag and missed the whole year. Senior year he actually played six whole games and was hitting .350, when he tried to slide face first into third base and broke his jaw. The guy’s a good athlete but he’s a klutz. Well, he’s an obnoxious braggart, too, I guess.”

Cowdudes fan, Tamara Blair, said, “Those guys are just jealous. Weldon would be the best guy on the team if he could just play. At least that’s what he tells me. I don’t know. I’m just a sucker for an injured athlete. Oh hell, who am I kidding? I’m a sucker for any athlete with a penis.”

Cheevers said he’ll be ready for summer sand volleyball league that starts in June. “Oh yeah. I should be ready to go by then. As soon as I can walk, I’m going to the gym and strengthening up my quads. I wouldn’t be surprised if I lead the league in spikes this summer. Hey look. There’s a girl I don’t know. I’ll just have to limp over and tell her my sob story.”

Best Things About Baseball Spring Training

It’s the end of March, which means it’s almost time for the 2007 baseball season to commence. But it also means the end of Spring Training, that special time of year when teams start getting ready for the grueling 162 game season. Arizona is one of two places to host Spring Training games; the other being Florida. Droves of baseball fans make pilgrimages every year to get better access to their favorite teams and players than they would normally get during the regular season. Well, there are plenty of other reasons to attend a Spring Training game and fortunately for you, the BilgeBucket staff has compiled a list of the best. So, as they say in the Bigs, let’s play ball!

	Buying a hot dog and soft drink for only $20
	Acquiring your first sunburn of the year
	Listening to the melodious cacophony of players and coaches jabbering incoherently at each other on the field
	Paying only $5 to get the bat boy’s autograph
	Throwing wadded up chewing gum at the lame looking mascot as he attempts to cheer on the fans
	Getting snubbed by your favorite player up close and personal
	Reveling in the intricate, artistic patterns on the dugout floor created by all the expelled tobacco juice
	Seeing scantily clad young women trying to become the next Major League wife
	Admiring all the expensive bling the players wear fly off as they chase a fly ball
	Sitting in smaller, cozier stadiums thus increasing your chances of catching a baseball with your teeth
	Learning the proper techniques for applying steroid cream
	Watching millionaires scratch their crotches