The BilgeBucket Gazette Adds Staff

The rest of the United States may be in a hiring funk, but thanks to the zany Bush administration, the satire biz is booming. The BilgeBucket Gazette is adding three new part time members to our crackerjack staff: Shirley Ray Bodine, Lamebeard the Pirate, and Sanjay Tandoori.

Shirley Ray Bodine is certainly no stranger to the BilgeBucket (see here and here). She's known as the Queen of Cactus Needles trailer park, and for good reason. She's a party animal! We all love her here (especially Beulah) and we've asked her to join our staff part time as our advice columnist. She brings years of experience from the cosmetology industry and making the rounds at all the hippest trailer park galas. Whether you're concerned about what wine to serve with macaroni and cheese, what to wear on that special night at the bowling alley or what to do if your mother steals your boyfriend, Shirley Ray will have the answer for you.

There are three things that every body loves: cranky old men, bisexual women and pirates. We've taken care of the first two and now we take care of the third. Lamebeard the Pirate is Cactus Corners' only pirate. He patrols Cactus Corners Lagoon every day on his mighty paddleboat, the S.S. Cactus Wren. There are some who say he hangs around with Captain Morgan too much, but hey, what pirate doesn't take a nip now and then. He'll be regaling us with tales from his many adventures on the high seas. Arrggh! He'll shiver your timbers!

Much against Chester Einstein's wishes we've decided to embrace the latest trend and jump on the outsourcing bandwagon. We've hired Sanjay Tandoori of Bangalore, India to be our movie critic. Sanjay is one of the hardest working men in the outsourcing business. This will be his fourth job. He also works as a call center agent, a computer programmer and plays sitar in a Hindi rock band on the weekend. Sanjay will be telling us what movies curry his favor and which have earned the wrath of Vishnu.

Bush To Endangered Species: "Would You Die Already!"

Last week the Bush Administration eased logging restrictions making it unnecessary for logging companies to check for effects on the environment or endangered species.

"Endangered species have held up progress long enough," Bush said from the Oval Office. "We've decided we can't wait for their numbers to increase. I mean come on. The Bible says we're the masters. Just die already!"

Environmentalists are outraged at this latest assault on the environment. "This is just reprehensible!" said Sue Wegman, a lawyer with the National Resource Defense Council. "To completely bypass the environmental review is a blatant giveaway to the logging industry. It is our duty to be stewards to the remaining wildlife on this planet and ensure their survival for future generations."

Dick Cheney emerged from his underground bunker to support the president. "What has a spotted owl done for me lately? Can a wolf drill for oil? Can a salmon work a chain saw? What good are they? New rule: if a species of plant or animal can't make me or my friends money, it goes! In closing I'd like to quote my good friend Anton Scalia, 'Quack Quack!'"

Professor Annoys Students With Lame-Ass Catchphrase

Numerous Cactus Corners Community College students in the C Programming Fundamentals class have started complaining about their professor, Malcolm Krueger. They claim he repeats the same annoying catchphrase over and over again and it's making them crazy.

"The guy's a complete tool," said student Jason Williams. "It all started the first day of class. He told us to remember to comment our code or else it'll look like one of his cat's hairballs. It got a pretty good laugh from everybody. But then he goes on and says it again and again every friggin' class. I mean last class he was commenting on nesting for loops and he said don't nest too many or it'll look like one of his cat's hairballs. Then he said some of the quizzes from last week look like one of his cat's hairballs. Then he told us he weeded his back yard last weekend because it looked like one of his cat's hairballs. Enough is enough already!"

"He's so weird, too!" said Tina Bellhorn. "He's skinny and he's got this ugly uncombed shock of red hair and his eyes aren't just cockeyed, they're albino. His face is all pockmarked with pimple craters, too. I don't think he's ever been on a date. I'd feel sorry for him, except his teaching sucks. He makes everything sound so damn boring. Then he says that lame-ass catchphrase all the time. If I didn't need this class to graduate I'd drop it." She then paused and added, "Oh! He's not going to read this is he?"

Krueger says his students adore him. "I really get the sense the students are connecting with me on a personal and intellectual level. And they love my witty little comments about my cat's hairballs. I'd truly say that's the highlight of each class. It's gotten such a response, I'm even thinking of getting together a stand-up routine for amateur night over at the Improv. I could be the next Seinfeld."

"Next Seinfeld my ass!" said Tom Baker. "I've had it with that freakazoid! I'm flunking out any way. If he ever does stand-up, I'm going to be in the audience so I can pelt him with hairballs."

Doctors Remove Ashcroft's Gallbladder, Pole From Ass

Doctors successfully removed Attorney General John Ashcroft's gallbladder recently and in a surprising move, pulled out a pole that was firmly embedded up his ass.

"We had just taken out the gallbladder when we noticed the pole," commented head surgeon Dr. Edward Autry. "So we decided to take it out, too. My God that pole was really in there. We had to have three people yank on it with all their might and we still had to use a whole can of WD-40. There was this loud pop when we finally got it and we all went flying across the operating room. It sure explains a lot of things, though. No wonder he was so uptight."

Ashcroft was recovering nicely after the surgery. Reports claim he is much looser and jovial than before the extraction. "Wow! He's really changed," noted nurse Wilma Donovan. "Just yesterday, he asked for a Penthouse magazine, a Led Zeppelin CD and a twelve pack of Colt-45. He's even watching shows like Jerry Springer, MTV Cribs, and reruns of Three's Company and Facts Of Life. He was even making eyes at me." She then blushed and tittered to herself.

Ashcroft says he's glad the doctors performed the additional operation. "It's like, I don't know, man. I can't believe all this great stuff I've missed out on. All those Penthouse playmates! Oh and Blair from Facts Of Life was one hot babe, too." He paused, chugged some beer, belched and continued. "And what about the Zeppelin. Jimmy Page rocks! I can't believe I never danced to any tunes, man. What the hell was I thinking?" He then cranked his CD player, got out of bed, and started air-guitaring across the room to Black Dog.

Dick Cheney emerged from his underground bunker to visit Ashcroft and was promptly shocked by his 'new' behavior. "Have no fear, my fellow conservatives," said Cheney. "We'll find that pole and stick it back up his ass. I suspect Dr. Autry's surgical staff is a bunch of bleeding heart liberals who will be dealt with accordingly. Can you say Guantanamo Bay? Ha ha ha!"

Upcoming Stunts On Fear Factor

NBC's Fear Factor is one of the top reality shows on television. Every week contestants have to battle through outrageous stunts to claim the top monetary prize of $50,000. Some of the more shocking feats have had people eating horse rectum, drinking worm wine, being covered with scorpions and walking over broken glass. Well, our top-notch staff has uncovered new extreme stunts planned for future episodes. We're seriously considering sending Gomy to do some of these.

	Eat testicles off a living bull
	Sit through Gigli
	Stop a helicopter blade with your bare hands
	Snarf down a heaping helping of toxic waste
	Read an issue of O magazine cover to cover
	Blow up a bus (you know, via the tailpipe)
	Get locked in a room with Beulah Snodgrass after she's been denied sex for a month
	Watch an entire episode of Forever Eden
	Criticize the Bush Administration
	Spend the night with Michael Jackson
	Get lowered into a vat of raging Spongmonkeys (those noxious critters from the Quiznos commercials)
	Fire Donald Trump