Bush Nominates Wolfowitz To Sabotage Run World Bank

President Bush recently made a controversial choice to head the World Bank by nominating deputy Secretary of Defense, Paul Wolfowitz to the post. The World Bank, currently headed by James Wolfensohn, is the world’s largest financier of projects for developing nations.

“We need Wolfie to replace the other Wolfie,” explained Bush. “Get it. They’re both Wolfies. It’s funny!” Bush then chuckled to himself for five minutes.

After regaining composure, Bush continued. “But seriously folks, Wolfie is absolutely the right choice to lead the World Bank in the twenty first century. He is one of my best yes man. If he can’t ram America’s brand of capitalistic democracy down the world’s throat whether they want it or not, then no one can. Just look at how successfully he’s handled the post-war development in Iraq. And believe you me, no one can exaggerate a threat like Wolfie. That WMD ploy in Iraq was a classic. I’m still convinced they’ve got some. Before you can say ‘war on terror’, we’ll be developing the third world in our image; unbridled spending, mind boggling debt and massive environmental destruction. We’re already coming up with schemes to get our way.”

Many couldn’t believe Bush’s choice. British economist, G. Hamilton Richardson III, said, “This choice is abominable. It’s like Bush is giving the Italian salute to the whole world. Wolfowitz is the chief architect for the Iraq war and despite President Bush’s eternally rosy assessment, the Iraq war and reconstruction have been bungled completely. The awarding of no bid contracts to American energy companies is one of the biggest corruption scandals in world history and he was responsible. I guess that’s the way they operate in corporate America; reward incompetence with a plum assignment.”

Rachel Kearns of the watchdog organization, Citizen Power, said, “This is ridiculous. Wolfowitz is the man who said we’d be welcomed as liberators in Iraq. He is the man who ignored Army suggestions for more troops for the invasion. He is the man who had no viable plan for post-war reconstruction and guaranteed that the war would be paid for by oil revenues. He has squandered gargantuan sums of money at home and overseas and now he’s going to be the head banker. It’s absolutely maddening!”

Wolfowitz defended himself. “Hey look. I’m a nice guy. Really. I’ll be willing to listen to other points of view as long as in the end, we do it my way, like we did in Iraq. The people in Indonesia know what I can do. I was ambassador there back in the ‘70s or ‘80s or sometime around there. I’m a caring person, too. I visited the tsunami victims and unlike others in the world, I was deeply touched by their plight. See, I’m sensitive.” Wolfowitz wiped a tear from the corner of his eye.

Many people around the world had mixed reactions to the nomination. Indonesian citizen Mahmoud Ali, said, “Wolfowitz? Oh yeah! I remember him. That’s the guy who supported our dictator Suharto’s abuses of human rights in the name of capitalism. Yeah he’d be great!”

Kenyan citizen, Kip Mugame, said, “Hmmm. America developing the third world economy? Hello pollution; goodbye wildlife safaris. What am I talking about? Goodbye wildlife!”

Wolfowitz closed by saying, “I think my most challenging job will be development in Africa. Basically, the message is: do it the American way, or else. I assure you, we’ll have a Walmart, Blockbuster and Starbucks in the Serengeti by the time I’m done.”

Bush Conquers Arctic Refuge; Eyes National Parks

The United States Senate recently approved by a vote of 51-49, a resolution to drill for oil in the pristine Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. The win was guaranteed when Republicans pulled an old legislative trick of attaching the bill to the budget resolution citing the potential for a possible $2.5 billion in revenue from oil leases in the refuge thus allowing it to pass with a simple majority instead of the 60 votes needed to break a filibuster.

“This is a great day for America,” said Bush. “Now we can reduce our dependency on foreign oil from 62 percent all the way down to 60 percent. It feels so good spending political capital. We Republicans can do whatever the hell we want. It feels almost like a dictatorship. Wow, no wonder Saddam wanted to stay in power.”

Bush continued, “It is now imperative that we get that dependency number down to 58 percent by drilling in some of our own National Parks. I’m pretty sure that the Grand Canyon is chock full of oil, so I propose we start exploratory drilling there and in Bryce Canyon, Zion, and Arches National Parks in Utah. I also think we ought to tap in to all that hot water in those geysers in Yellowstone National Park. People have had more than enough time to see these parks and the animals aren’t using them. It’s about time we let my brethren in the oil and gas industries have a shot at ‘em.”

Sierra Club spokesperson Lyndsey Maynard expressed grave disappointment. “This is just a sad day for all Americans. Polls show overwhelmingly that people do not support drilling in the ANWR. Let me repeat, people do not support drilling. Drilling is still a dangerous, polluting industry. Why just last month, there was a huge oil spill off the Alaskan coast. Did the media make any mention of it? NO! It just shows that the special interest lobbies of oil, gas, mining, and timber have complete and total control of this nation. People don’t matter. Wildlife doesn’t matter. Corporations matter.”

Terry Donovan of the National Resource Defense Council said, “This is just insanity. The ANWR is just a Band-Aid solution. The U.S. Geological Survey realistically estimates that there is a six to nine month supply of oil in the Refuge and it will take at least ten years until we’ll be actually able to use it. Wouldn’t it make more sense to spend the money to develop new vehicles using hydrogen, solar, and hybrid technologies? This would create jobs, new investment opportunities and a solid infrastructure that won’t place such a burden on our children to develop an inevitable alternative plan for energy and transportation.”

Republican Senator from Pennsylvania, Arlen Specter, expressed joy at the victory. “We’ve been after this for the last 30-40 years ever since that damn Republican Eisenhower made the Arctic Refuge off limits for development. Now in ten short years, Americans will have a solid six month supply of oil. Life is good.”

Bush added, “And don’t feel sorry for all those critters up there in the Arctic, you green, green, lima beans. We’ll make sure to build some zoos for them so they can live their happy unproductive animal life. We’re their masters, you know.”

Martyr Bonds Takes Season Off To Wallow In Self Pity

Barry Bonds, the San Francisco Giants outfielder who holds the single season home run record and is only eleven home runs away from passing Babe Ruth for second on the all-time home run list has decided to take the season off. Bonds is currently recovering from knee surgery, his second of the off season.

“Right now I’m going to take time off to recover from my surgery and feel sorry for myself,” said Bonds. “I’m 40, not 30 or 20. It’s not as easy anymore when you have to come to the park and rehab instead of having fun. It’s tough being THE MAN!”

Bonds also lit into the media and the press for hounding him on the steroid scandal. “This is all the media’s fault. It’s all your fault I unwittingly gorged myself on steroids. It’s all your fault I cheated on my wife. You wanted to crucify me, well now you’ve done it. I mean look what you’ve done to my poor kid who I’m parading around in front of me for sympathy. I don’t know. Right now, I’m just tired. So, very, very tired.” He then raised the back of his hand to his forehead, looked skyward and sighed deeply.

Many baseball fans are critical of Bond’s actions. Jay Jackson, a San Diego sports columnist said, “The guy obviously used steroids. Before 1999, he only hit 40 or more home runs three times in his career and never over 46. He used to be lean and mean. Then suddenly, boom, 73 taters in 2001. Give me a break! He was downing them like candy!”

Several people came to Barry’s defense. Entertainer Michael Jackson said, “Get off of Barry’s back you crumbums! This is all about racism. It’s a conspiracy, I tell you. You’re just out to get Barry and me because we’re black. Stop laughing. Really, I am black.”

Giants fan, Pete Downs said, “There’s no way Bonds used steroids. He’s a Giant. Now if he was a Dodger, a Padre or a D-back, I’d say there’s no doubt he used ‘em. But he’s a Giant. Go Giants!”

Bonds then left the media and walked to his limo in the parking lot. Bonds put an oversized arm around his son Nikolai and another arm on his other crutch. Then he looked down at his cross charm around his neck, looked up to sky and said, “Me and Jesus, man. Me and Jesus.”

Top Activities During Cactus Corners Spring Break

A couple of weeks ago, the annual ritual of Spring Break occurred throughout the nation. This is the week where thousands upon thousands of college students take a break from their grueling course work and party hardy for the whole week at destinations such as Daytona Beach, Padre Island, Lake Havasu City, and Rocky Point, Mexico. Well many people don’t know this but Cactus Corners, Arizona is also a favorite destination point for tens of students across the land. Now we’d be remiss if we didn’t report on the highlights of a spring break party in our own back yard wouldn’t we. So here goes, you party animals. Party on, dudes and dudettes!

	Sea Doo rides in the Cactus Corners Motor Lodge’s swimming pool
	Getting high and having several misadventures while trying to find a White Castle (the nearest one being in St. Louis)
	Practicing daring acrobatic moves leaping from balcony to balcony while drinking shots of tequila
	Yahtzee, Yahtzee, Yahtzee
	Vomiting Contest at Cactus Corners Vomitorium
	The War and Peace Read-a-thon
	Chugging beers until you’re stinking drunk and then having sex with anything that moves (and we mean anything...yes even that!)
	Having Beulah Snodgrass bare her breasts for all to see (prelude to the Vomiting Contest)
	Nice, soothing colonics courtesy of Cactus Colonics
	Poetry slam featuring the works of Donald Rumsfeld
	For girls: Toenail Painting Party while listening to Connie Francis and Leslie Gore records
	For guys: Toenail Painting Party while listening to Connie Francis and Leslie Gore records
	Playing speed shuffleboard with seniors at the Cactus Gallows Retirement Home
	Playing video games non-stop, all week long (Gomy Dinkman’s wet dream)
	Making decorative birdhouses using popsicle sticks
	Watching REAL spring break parties on MTV’s Spring Break