Sanjay Tandoori: Hooray For Bollywood!

Greetings and salutations to all the wonderful readers of the BilgeBucket Gazette. It is truly grand to be writing to you again. The last time I talked to you, I was expecting my eleventh child. I am pleased to announce that little Vishnudutt is almost nine months old now and is quite the little rugrat. He is already rolling around our floor, eating pureed curry chicken and dodging cobras. Sameera is doing wonderful and running the household very smoothly. I am keeping busy with my five jobs, but I am managing two hours of sleep a night. Thank goodness for coffee or I would be slumbering throughout the workday. I do miss playing in my old band the Anil Charmers. But I soon may be able to rejoin the band. My oldest child, Vijay, who is almost fourteen, is way overdue to start working. On his birthday, I will take him down to the farmers market and he can sell delicious mangoes to hungry tourists. That is how yours truly got his introduction to the working world many years ago. Those were the days; Nehru jackets were in style, the Beatles kept coming to my country and a young, vibrant seven year old Sanjay Tandoori was working the mango stand before and after school. Oh my Vishnu! I have just realized: I have been working night and day for almost forty years now. Holy Krishna, what the hell happened to my life!

Your President George W. Bush visited our glorious country recently and I must comment that he is certainly not a popular camper over here. As a matter of fact, the Dalits, untouchables to you Americans, get more respect than Mr. Bush. At least he lowered the trade restrictions on mangoes. Now, all Americans can enjoy a juicy Indian mango.

I must also commend Chester Einstein for showing me about condoms last year during his visit. I must say, Sameera and I were quite amused with his demonstration. He must have ruined five condoms before he finally got it on the pickle. But I tell you the condoms are working wonderfully. Now when I get the urge to merge, I slip a condom on my pickle and have several seconds of earth moving sex. And I don’t have to worry about any more children. I was feeling so royally screwed in my last column. Now, I feel slightly less royally screwed. Sweet Shiva bless Chester Einstein for his condom demonstration! With Vijay working soon and not having to worry about more hungry mouths to feed, three hours of sleep a night could soon be a reality.

Oh, I almost forgot to give my movie review. Today I am reviewing Fight Club by Vikram Chopra. It is the exhilarating story of four youths from Mumbai, Vicky, Karan, Samil and Diku, as they get involved in many madcap adventures that test their bonds of friendship. In the process they form a fight club in order to settle scores with rivals. There is plenty of fun, fists, music and of course dancing in this film. Of course, the lovely Diya Mirza and Amrita Arora appear as love interests for the boys. Oh how they enchanted me! I think Sameera may even be jealous. Zayed Khan was rock solid as Vicky and Ashmit Patel as Dinesh makes a credible rival to the fun-loving gang. All together, the film is a satisfying journey of laughter, love and fighting. I am surprised America has not made a film about Fight Clubs. Maybe it could star Brad Pitt and that intense actor, Ed Norton. Oh I would pay to see such a movie!

Well, that is it for now. Until next time, like your great Kasey Kasem says, ‘Keep your feet on the ground and keep your eye on the sparrow’. Or maybe that was Baretta. Oh, oh! I am reciting catch phrases from 1970’s American TV shows. I must be getting sleepy. Time for trip to Starbucks.