Bush Negotiates Gritty Nukes For Mangoes Treaty With India

President Bush recently returned from a trip to Asia and the Indian subcontinent where he visited with Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh and then with Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf. The key development of the trip was negotiations which allowed a ban on Indian mangoes to be lifted in exchange for U.S. nuclear technology and fuel.

Prime Minister Singh proclaimed, “I am so happy about this pact. Now Americans can enjoy the fruits of our labors. Get it. Fruits. Mangoes. Hello. Is this mike on? I’m telling you, that joke killed in Calcutta.” Singh paused to wipe the flop sweat from his forehead and continued. “Now we will be able to build much more efficient nuclear plants. We have every intention of keeping power generation separate from military buildup. We wouldn’t dream of using the technology to improve our nuclear weaponry against our hated rival Pakistan. No way would we do that. No sirree! ”

President Bush agreed with Singh. “This is a great moment for American-Indian relations. I’m really looking forward to eating my first juicy Indian mango. I also fully believe that India will only use the technology for good and not build more nukyular weapons. I mean they signed that Nukyular Non-Proliferation Treaty. What? They didn’t sign? Whoops. Seems like to me I pulled another boner. Oh, well. Heh-heh. Heh-heh. Whatchya gonna do? Impeach me. Yeah. Like that’s gonna happen.”

President Musharraf expressed apprehension about the deal. “Ahhh. Come on! How come we don’t get any mangoes? And how about some nuclear secrets while we’re at it? I thought we were doing a great job on the ‘War on Terror’, if that’s still what its being called. Gee whiz! Just because we haven’t caught Osama Bin Laden and won’t let any body else capture him, now we don’t get anything? I’m so disillusioned.”

Bush tried to allay Musharraf’s concerns. “I understand your concern Pervy. That’s my nickname for you. Heh-heh. You’re doing a heckuva job for us in the War on Terror. You’re our bestest Arab ally. Er...I mean our bestest Muslim ally. I always get those two confused. I mean they’re all the same, right? Where was I? Oh yeah. I’m looking forward to eating my first juicy Indian mango.”

Analysts had mixed feeling about the pact. Sean Hannity of Fox News said, “All Hail King George! Is there anything he can’t do right? This deal is a political masterstroke. I don’t why, it just is. I, too, am looking forward to eating my first juicy Indian mango.”

MSNBC host Joe Scarborough said, “India has a bazillion people. This opens up a gigantic market to U.S. goods. So we give up some nuclear technology which could destabilize the region, who cares? There’s lots of moola to be made here people and as all Republicans know, money is the most important thing in the world, no matter what the cost. Money, money, money! We’re gonna get rich, I tells ya! Oh. And I’m also looking forward to eating my first juicy Indian mango. Heh! I almost forgot to read that from my Republican talking points list.”

David Dressler, of the international watchdog organization, Citizens For Peace, said, “I don’t see how this makes the region safer. We give India nuclear fuel and technology and we give India’s rival, Pakistan, zilch. I think this will make Pakistan angry. I also think Iran will perceive this as a snub against the Muslim world. This is only going to make Iran more adamant about obtaining nuclear weapons. We’re just adding gasoline to the fire. However, I am looking forward to eating my first juicy Indian mango.”

Citing Eminent Domain, Government Seizes Property For Important New Casino

The Cactus Corners City Council approved the seizure of Cactus Corners resident, Myrtle Davidson’s property in order to go ahead with the building of a new Rumpus Towers Casino, which is being proposed by local real estate mogul, Ronald Rumpus, who many claim is just a Donald Trump wannabe.

Council Member and corporate kiss-ass, Lyle Swellman said, “We feel this acquisition is vital to the economy of the not only the neighborhood but all of Cactus Corners. Mrs. Davidson’s house is just sitting there bringing in no money. She claims to be ‘living’ there. Come on! That property can be put to good use. Just think of all the nickel slots and poker tables there could be. Just think of all the washed up, broke, rock stars we could get to play concerts in smoke filled theaters. Just think of all the happy gambling addicts launching their life’s savings into the already bulging casino coffers. Now that’s progress!”

Michelle Stein, of the law firm of Stein, Steiner and Steinest, which is representing Mrs. Davidson, said, “This is unbelievable! Government shouldn’t have to right to seize property for commercial use. What’s to prevent the government from taking anyone’s property and turning over to commercial entities just to make a buck. We need legislation to protect homeowners because they just don’t feel safe anymore.”

Rumpus, defended his project from his posh 300,000 square foot Paradise Valley estate, “This isn’t just a casino. It will be the finest in luxury casinos. This will be the crown jewel of the State of Arizona. It’s all part of my master plan to remake this state in my image. I’m looking forward to my next project, the Rumpus Grand Canyon Casino. That’s one place that really needs some excitement. Have you seen it? It’s just one big hole in the ground.”

Mrs. Davidson said she was extremely upset by the seizure. “I’ve been living in that house for forty years. I raised three children and had a wonderful marriage to Henry Davidson, who died three years ago. He would be heartbroken to see me lose the home, but I don’t what I’m going to do. On the other hand, I do love playing the slots. I hope they’re loose.”

Surprisingly most residents sided with the building of the casino. Senior citizen Walter Turco said, “Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy! When’s it going to open? I just got my social security check and I’m itching to blow it.”

Brian Severson said, “Well. It’s not happening to my property so what do I care. Besides I’m too busy to do anything right now. It’s March Madness you know.”

Lila O’Brien said, “I feel really sorry for Mrs. Davidson, but progress is progress. Besides rich people always know better. I hope I get a chance to meet Mr. Rumpus. I’d love to stroke my fingers through his luxuriant toupee.”

Food Worker Convinced Female Patron Has ‘Hots’ For Him

Joel Burson, a cook at Rojo Caliente Tex-Mex Grill near the Cactus Corners Mall, is convinced that an attractive female patron, Kristen Gerard, who frequents the establishment, does so because she has a crush on him and not because she enjoys the spicy southwestern cuisine.

“She’s got it bad for the Bur Man,” said Burson boldly. “She comes in here three, four times a week always at around 5:30pm which I think means one thing: she’s hot for my bod. She sees me working hard back here at the grill, slicing the chicken, flexing my guns and making things happen. She knows who’s running the show. She knows who’s the Man!”

Burson’s co-workers dismissed his hypothesis. Cashier Jenna Davis said, “Joel always thinks everybody wants him. I remember once at a store party, we were watching an awards show and swore up and down that Jennifer Lopez was speaking to him through the television. I mean look at the guy. He’s a toad: greasy hair, acne-pocked face, double chin, doughy body. I don’t get where he thinks he’s got a ‘Bod’. He works out at Krispy Kreme. I think the only one with the ‘hots’ for Joel is Joel.”

Rojo Caliente manager Miguel Bonilla, said, “Joel’s a good worker but he’s got a fairly active imagination. He thinks the grill area is like the bridge on the Enterprise and he’s Spock, Scotty and Captain Kirk all rolled into one. I don’t think Miss Gerard is attracted to Joel. I do think she’s got it bad for me though. I’m the real captain of the Rojo Caliente ship. I’m like Han Solo on the Millennium Falcon and trust me; I’m all Man! She wants me. She wants me bad!”

Gerard, an administrative assistant with Kelco Industries, admits she stops into the popular restaurant quite often, especially after work. “Sure I go in there a lot but it’s for the food. Their burritos are killer! I think it’s their spicy pico de gallo sauce. It’s to die for! I never look at the people in the back. I hardly even look at the cashier. I don’t even know who this Joel Burson is unless he’s the shifty looking manager who barges up next to the cashier to ogle my chest. You know something; I think I’ll just go to the Rojo Caliente on Prickly Pear Drive. This store gives me the creeps.”

Burson defended his assertion. “Sure we’ve got the best food around, but she comes to Rojo just to see me. I know she does. I’ve seen the way she avoids looking in my direction like all she wants is to pay for the food and leave. She’s just playing hard to get. She wants a wild ride on the Bursonator, if you know what I mean. And between you, me and the dumpster, I think Jenna Davis wants me, too. Bad! I’ve seen the way she looks back here pretending she’s looking for an order.”

When told of Burson’s comments, Davis made the universal gag sign and commented, “Oh now he didn’t! That does it. That Kristen Gerard has the right idea. I’m transferring to the Rojo Caliente on Prickly Pear Drive. These guys are losers! And Miguel is not like Han Solo, he’s more like an Ewok, okay. Excuse me, I’m going to the john to hurl my burritos.”

Highlights Of The 2006 Academy Awards

The 78th Academy Awards, hosted by The Daily Show anchor Jon Stewart, occurred recently in Los Angeles, California. The evening is the highlight of the year for the film industry as actors, actresses, directors and movie production people are honored for their achievements over the past year. This year’s show was jokingly being touted as the ‘gayest’ awards ceremony ever with several nominated films containing homosexual characters and themes. Did the ceremony live up to the hype? Well, the BilgeBucket staff has compiled a list of the highlights at this year’s awards ceremony. Oscar, we wish we could quit you. (Come on! You knew that line was coming. We just can’t quit it!)

	Everyone staying thirty feet from Russell Crowe so as not to provoke any violent behavior
	Jon Stewart’s deer-in-the-headlight look of melancholy and resignation when he realizes that the Oscar show material isn’t remotely as funny as The Daily Show material
	Dolly Parton sings theme from TransAmerica and then reveals that she’s actually a transsexual and the movie was about her
	Whopping two seconds devoted to Technical awards
	Cameraman inadvertently gets too close to Best Supporting Actress Nominee Amy Adams showing spinach on her teeth...Eeeuuuw!
	Shots of audience members sleeping during the...uh-hem...festivities
	The appearance of Charlize Theron gives every male and some female audience members simultaneous erections
	Miles Durkowicz wins both Best Grip and Best Boy Awards for Brokeback Mountain
	Its Hard Out Here For A Pimp musical number features surprise appearances by Donald Trump as a Pimp and Martha Stewart as a ho
	Lily Tomlin and Meryl Streep make audience squirm uncomfortably with their ‘snappy’ banter
	Annoying voiceover announcer states if the Oscar winner is gay or not
	Three 6 Mafia shoot off AK-47s after winning Best Song Oscar
	Clips from past award winning movies interrupted by awards presentations
	Best Original Score goes to George Clooney for his date with the Finnish Bikini Team last week
	March of the Penguins surprisingly wins award for Best Costume
	Actors and actresses lay guilt trip on nation for not going to theaters this year to see such splendid films like The Island, Bewitched and Deuce Bigalow:European Gigolo