White House To 9/11 Families: "Your Feelings Are All Wrong!"

The Bush Administration decided to keep airing controversial campaign ads depicting scenes from the 9/11 catastrophe in 2001 stating that they aren't offensive and were done in good taste.

Many families who had lost relatives in the tragedy felt the depiction of flag draped coffins in the ads were crass and grossly inappropriate. "I personally didn't lose any family members," said Gerald McDonald, a Manhattan citizen. "But I know people who did, I just think neither candidate should use images from the WTC as a backdrop for their campaign. We need to be a little bit more sensitive to the victim's families. That's all."

However, Bush strategist, Karen Hughes said, "I just disagree completely. These 9/11 families have got it all wrong! Their feelings are just completely invalid. Remember, George W. Bush is tight with God. Everything he does is correct and blessed by the Almighty. These ads are tasteful and gosh darn it, patriotically stirring!" She then started singing the first stanza of God Bless America.

Conservative radio host, Rush Limbaugh went further. "I bet you a dollar to a donut, these so called '9/11' families have been bought and paid for by those bleeding heart liberal Pansycrats. 'Lurch' Kerry and his wife Ms. Ketchup are behind these ads. This just goes to prove that Democrats are in cahoots with the terrorists and quite possibly, so are the '9/11' families. It's all very sad really."

Future Bush campaign ads will feature: John Kerry giving Osama Bin Laden an open mouthed kiss; top Democrats applauding the terrorist bombings in Spain; and Bush walking side by side with Jesus.

Melvin Swazicki Sweeps The Golden Plunger Awards

In a stunning and record setting performance last week, Melvin Swazicki of Toledo, Ohio, swept the top categories in The Golden Plunger Awards which were held in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. The Golden Plungers are considered by most experts to be the top awards show for plumbers ranking ahead of the The Plumbers People's Choice Awards, The American Plumbing Awards and The Morties, named after legendary Chicago plumber Morty Pawolinski.

"This is an incredible feat!" said show commentator Larry Buttner. "He swept all the top awards: Fastest Snake, Best Showerhead Installation, Best Faucet Mounting, Best Unclogging Of A Shower Drain System, and Best Join Sweating Of An Outdoor Underground Pipe System In Freezing Conditions. This guy does it all!"

When Swazicki came on stage to receive his first award, for Best Faucet Mounting, he exclaimed "You like me! You really like me!" Swazicki, wearing fabulous pinstriped Gucci overalls, displayed tact and modesty in his other acceptance speeches. "I couldn't have done it without the other plumbers at Rootin' Tootin' Plumbing. It's truly a team effort every time we go to a customer's house." The fifty-year old plumber paused, wiped a tear from his eye and continued. "I love you guys!"

Emil Czalewpski, Swazicki's main competition, had nothing but praise. "Melvin deserves it. He's been in the biz for a long time now. You know, it's just an honor to be nominated."

Joe Tabler, a junior plumber who works with Swazicki, said, "Wow! Melvin is truly an inspiration to the rest of us at Rootin' Tootin'. I mean he's a legend. When they asked me to work on Melvin's team, I had to pinch myself. I'm working with Melvin Swazicki! I mean, it was just an incredible dream come true."

The show was hosted by Billy Crystal. He got the evening off to a rip-roaring start when he told the audience "Gentlemen start your egos!" He then told them to "pipe down" after the opening number. He also told a model, who mistakenly dropped an award, "Hey don't sweat it." He later did a number where he inserted himself into clips of the nominees doing various kinds of plumbing work. Huge laughs came when he bent over to replace a toilet valve and showed large amounts of butt cleavage to the audience.

"That was hilarious!" said Fred Schindler of Des Moines, Iowa. "That happens to me all the time. Hell one time a youngun stuck a pencil in there and I didn't even know it. I sure knew it when I tried to sit. Ouch! Hee hee hee!"

Of course, one can't mention the Golden Plungers without mentioning the fashions. Entertainment Tonight's Jann Carl said, "Melvin Swazicki may have took home the Golden Plungers, but Carl LeMay took home the fashion award with his Ralph Lauren leisure suit. Herman Jablonski also looked sharp in his Yves St. Laurent gold lamé jump suit. His wife Mabel, looked equally stunning in her Bob Mackie moo-moo. The biggest fashion disaster had to be avant-garde plumber, Tina Bjorkinski, who showed up wearing a toilet duck costume. What on earth was she thinking?"

The plumbing industry now looks forward to the next award show, the Morties, which will be held next month in Hoboken, New Jersey, and hosted by Whoopi Goldberg.

Mayor Gets Fashionable Mestizo Indian Hair Cut

Dwight Dingus, venerable mayor of Cactus Corners, shocked many this past week when he arrived at the city council meeting with a Mestizo Indian hair cut. The hair style is most recognized as the hair style worn by Moe Howard of Three Stooges fame and Jim Carrey's character in Dumb and Dumber.

Liz Meadows, senior council member said, "He looks like a dork! I hope he reconsiders. I mean he already is pale as a ghost, has a unibrow, a handlebar moustache and now this. Cactus Corners is already fighting an image problem. We want people to visit here for Christ sake! The last thing we need is his puss on a brochure touting us as the trendiest suburb in the nation."

City council member and number one kiss-ass, Lyle Swellman, said, "God he looks fabulous! It's like one of those queer guys did a makeover on him. Mucho Suave, Señor Alcalde! Mucho Suave!"

Dingus' soft-spoken wife Debbie had some reservations about his coiffure of choice. "Well. I don't mean to sound negative. But. Well." She paused and took a swig from a bottle of bourbon. "He looks like a dick. I mean. Come on. I don't want to do the nasty with that."

Dingus dismissed his detractors. "They just can't handle my innate fashion sense," said a proud Dingus, as he admired his reflection in a nearby mirror. "I know, maybe a purple felt hat and a fur coat would complete the look. Man! I'm living the dream!"

Rejected Names For The Seven Dwarfs

We recently saw an online article, which revealed some of the names that were being considered for the seven dwarfs in the Disney classic Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs. Well, our intrepid staff has done some digging of our own and we've come up with our own list of rejected names for the dwarfs. Just imagine what could have been!

	Horny
	Drippy
	Drooly
	Danny DeVito
	Gassy
	Vaclempty
	Tripod
	P-Diddy
	Manic-Depressivy
	Silas T. Pimplebottom IV
	Sassy
	Dubya