Rice Flashes Gams; Brings Peace To Middle East

Secretary of State, Condoleezza Rice, recently returned from an international conference in London where she revived stalled plans for bringing peace to the Middle East. She met with Israel’s President Ariel Sharon, the new Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas, British Prime Minister Tony Blair, French Foreign Minister Michael Barnier and other European and Middle East leaders.

Key points in the Route Map, the plan for peace, include withdrawal of Israeli troops from the Gaza Strip and West Bank and the establishment of a Palestinian state. At a luncheon on March 1st, Rice prepared to speak to the assemblage wearing a white low cut sweater, a black mini skirt, black thigh high pantyhose and five inch black stiletto pumps. After she rose, she placed her leg on her chair and adjusted the garter on her stockings, which caught the attention of many of the high powered leaders. Both Sharon and Abbas started salivating; Barnier squinted, smiled and licked his lips; and Blair’s eyes bulged noticeably. In her speech, Rice noted that it is imperative that the Route Map for peace be followed at all cost. Sharon and Abbas hurriedly agreed, shook hands and proceeded to fall over each other to get close to Rice.

Abbas said, “Oh, I would do anything to please that Nubian goddess. Did you get a load of those gams? OooLaLa!”

Sharon said, “I will gladly give up the West Bank, the Gaza Strip; I’ll give up Jerusalem. Just get me closer to those shapely chocolate getaway sticks.”

Blair said, “I must say I’m pleased as punch at Ms. Rice’s sultry new appearance. I’m reminded of a song by Sir Mick Jagger that goes something like this. ‘Brown Sugar. How come you taste so good?’ Yum, Yum! Smashing, I say!”

Makeover artist Fantasticus commented on Rice’s transformation. “I’ve done numerous makeovers for celebrities lately. Remember how Katie Couric used to look? She looked like a dowdy little Sunday school teacher. Now thanks to me, she’s a luscious sexpot. I decided I’d do the same thing for Condi. She has killer pillars. So I decided to take the attention off of her Alfred E. Newman looking face and picked a wardrobe which accentuated her legs. I’m such a genius. I think I’ve created the new Jessica Rabbit.”

Toward the end of the conference Rice insisted to the Syrians that they withdraw their troops from Lebanon. She then walked over to her chair, sat down and seductively crossed her legs, Basic Instinct style. The Syrian delegation quickly capitulated and promised complete immediate withdrawal. They also promised to give up all claims to Golan Heights, actively dissuade Iraqi insurgents from further fighting and to build a twenty foot high, solid gold statue of Rice in the center of Damascus.

Rice said, “Wow! Who knew a short skirt, some stockings and high heels would bring so many men to their knees. I’ll have to use this on Rumsfeld.”

Bush’s Tort Reform Aids Poor, Defenseless Corporations

President Bush came to the rescue of poor American corporations recently when he signed into law the so called ‘Tort Reform’ bill which places limits on class action lawsuits placed against corporations.

“This is a momentous occasion for my corporate benefactors,” said Bush. “From now on, our poor, defenseless American corporations will never be fleeced by greedy, money-grubbing consumers who are out to screw our decent CEOs out of their hard earned millions.”

Sally Whitman, spokesperson of Drugzilla, one of America’s leading pharmaceutical companies, praised the legislation. “This bill is a godsend. I’m so sick of people complaining, ‘Oh, this medicine caused me to break out in a rash’, ‘This medicine made my child vomit’, ‘This medicine killed my husband’. Has anyone heard of the phrase, ‘Buyer Beware’? No one held a gun to your head to take the medicine. A doctor’s prescription doesn’t necessarily have to be followed, people.”

Dr. Ted Cargill said, “This is great for all us doctors who’ve ever had to worry about malpractice suits. Now when I mistakenly amputate a patient’s right leg instead of the left leg, I won’t have to suffer any consequences, like losing my license to practice medicine, my membership at the country club or my Porsche. God, I’d die if I lost my Porsche.”

Lawrence T. Juggers, President and CEO of Juggermart, said, “Now I don’t have to put up with employee complaints of working them over forty hours a week. They’ll work when I want them to work. When I say jump, they’ll say ‘How high, Mr. Juggers?’ I bet I can even get away with paying less than minimum wage now. That means maybe I can get vacation home number ten. I’m thinking a nice little hideaway in Aruba will do nicely.”

Consumer advocate, Clarence Simons, said, “This is disastrous for the average American. While it may be true there are a few tort lawyers who abuse the system, the majority of the cases brought before the state courts are legitimate. Now that the tort cases will be brought before federal courts, the likelihood of a case being dismissed will be greater. The consumer stands the chance of not having any retribution if they purchase a faulty product, have a conflict with an employer or are harmed by defective drugs. They will have no rights.”

Americans seemed ambivalent about the bill. Jenny Miller of Madison, Wisconsin, said, “I welcome corporate slavery. I don’t mind working an extra five, ten or twenty hours a week for my boss. I mean he doesn’t pay me more but there are benefits. He lets me take an extra donut every morning. I’d say that more than makes up for it.”

James S. Quinton, of Atlanta, Georgia, said, “Well I was going to sue Dr. Jamieson’s ass for giving me a sex change operation instead of a vasectomy. But I guess I can get used to wearing pantyhose and heels. I hope my wife doesn’t mind if I use hers.”

Ernest Jefferson, of Houston, Texas, who lost his life savings in the Enron scandal, said, “When I say the word, can you kick the chair I’m standing on out from underneath my legs. Thank you.”

Local Man Appears On TV; Suddenly Becomes Stud

Dale Byers, a struggling Cactus Corners actor, is finding that he has become irresistible to women following his appearance in a commercial for Cowboy Tex Bingo’s Used Auto Emporium.

“Well, I’m not sure what’s going on,” said Byers, scratching his scraggily brown hair. “I mean my acting coach, Tina Martin, says that I’m definitely a character actor, not a leading man. People say I’m a cross between Bob Saget and Conan O’Brien. Needless to say, I don’t get a lot of action. But since that commercial came on, I don’t mind saying, I’ve become quite the stud.”

The commercial features Cowboy Tex Bingo stating that he’s got the best deals in Cactus Corners and asks customers for testimonials. Byers steps up and says, “Tex got me a great deal on 1992 Ford Probe. Now I can take my girl out to the finer restaurants in town.” Byers then gives the camera an excited thumbs up.

Kit Dayne, an actress in Byers acting class said, “I never really noticed him before. He always did these dorky Bullwinkle impersonations in class. Like, who is Bullwinkle anyway? But like when he appeared in that commercial, it was like he was somebody. It’s like I want to attach myself to his rising star. I’ve been sitting next to him in class the last couple weeks wearing low neck sweaters and mini skirts. Like, I want to be the girl he takes out for dinner in his Probe.”

Sue Briscoe, who works with Byers at TGI Yummys said, “I can’t explain it, but since I saw him on that commercial, it’s like he’s a legitimate human being now. The fact he stood in front of a camera and recited stupid canned words make him seem larger than life. He’s actually met Cowboy Tex Bingo! He’s so much better than me and I want him bad.”

Dr. Cecil Griffin, a sociology professor at Cactus Corners Community College attempted to explain the phenomenon. “You see television represents power in the modern world and it’s no secret that women are attracted to powerful men. So when a man appears on TV, even though he may be a repulsive geek, he is perceived to have power. And like Al Pacino in Scarface said, once you get the power you get the women.”

Byers added excitedly, “I’ve got a commercial coming up next month for a hemorrhoid cream. Just think of the babes I’ll get after that airs.”

Top All-Time Baseball Nicknames

Spring is around the corner and that means the return of baseball. Players assemble for Spring Training in cities and towns in Arizona and Florida to get ready for the grueling seven month season. The Boys of Summer are known for their quirky nicknames, such as ‘Dizzy’ Dean, ‘Hammerin’ Hank Aaron, ‘Yogi’ Berra and Stan ‘The Man’ Musial. In honor of America’s favorite pastime, the BilgeBucket staff has decided to compile a list of the best baseball nicknames of all time. Who knows; maybe we’ll be seeing Gomy ‘Slugger’ Dinkman on this list someday. Naaaaaaaa!

	Lenny ‘Stinking Drunk’ Peterson
	Bob ‘Puddinhead’ Wilson
	Dave ‘Knucklehead’ Jenson
	Ted ‘Cokehead’ Kowalski
	Randy ‘Big Unit’ Johnson
	Gary ‘Tripod’ Brown
	Jerry ‘Two Inch Penis’ Mullins
	Joe ‘Sheep Fucker’ MacDougal
	‘Assless’ Fred Markham
	Henry ‘Superfluous Third Nipple’ Jones
	Terry ‘Elephant Balls’ Smith
	Harry ‘Roid Boy’ Engelwood
	Kenny ‘Back Door’ Norton
	‘Shoeless’ Joe Jackson
	‘Sandals’ Sam Stone
	‘High Heel Pumps’ Dan Duvall
	Dennis ‘Unserviceable Scrap Materials’ Sanders
	Twinkletoes ‘Harold’ McGee