America Enters Rehab

In a stunning display of angst, all three hundred million plus Americans entered rehab facilities over the weekend prompting the overloaded medical facilities across the land to declare an emergency.

Psychologist Raymond Daniels of the Warm Fuzzy Rehab Center in Santa Mirage, California, said, “My God! I’ve never seen anything like this before! People from all walks of life: from girl scouts to grocers to toilet paper tycoons walked through our doors this weekend. We’re completely inundated and pushed to the limit. At this rate I don’t know how much more I can take. I’ve thinking about entering rehab myself. I hear there’s a nice facility at Walter Reed Medical Center. I wonder if they take non-military members.”

Many Americans commented on why they decided to check in. June Olsen of Harrison, Virginia said, “I’m so completely worn out from following all the Anna Nicole and Britney news. I just needed a break.”

Ten year old Austin Smolens of Albany, New York said, “I’ve been working myself to death playing Vice Lords IV: Kill All Da Cops. That game is so addictive and time consuming; I just couldn’t keep playing it and going to school. Plus my friends are always calling me on my cell phone. My life is a living hell. Nobody on Earth could have it worse than I do.”

Jeff Horton, of Dennsion, Illinois, said, “I’m sick of hearing about all the celebrities checking into rehab centers. Their lives are so tough. ‘Look at me! I’m a star!’ Oh boo hoo. Their whining is making me crazy. I’m checking in not only to get away from that crap but to hopefully meet a few of them and kick 'em in the ass!”

Tom Weatherby of Noland, Washington said, “Six years of George W. Bush! ‘Nuff said.”

Upper Slobovia Pulling Troop Out Of Iraq

Following on the steps of Britain, Lithuania and Denmark withdrawing their forces from Iraq, vital ‘coalition of the willing’ member, Upper Slobovia, has announced that they are bringing their troop home after four years of support in Iraq. Upper Slobovia is a former Eastern bloc country with a population of about 1000 people and a land area the size of a Juggermart parking lot. The country received wide acclaim by renewing support back in April 2004 .

Upper Slobovian Prime Minister, Peter Orchencko said, “We feel that we have supported President Bush’s war for long enough. We’ve obtained membership in the European Union and we’ve bought enough plutonium to build a nice weapon of our own. Our troop, Boris Bullshivitz, will be coming home to a full ticker tape parade and with a new job title, President of Sanitation. His first duty will be to clean up after his parade. Besides Boris’s wife and children really miss him. The shopping carts have really fallen into a state of disrepair without him. We need you back, Boris!”

Boris Bullshivitz commented on his stay in Iraq. “I started out performing basic duties like sock washing, snack fetching and urinal cleaning for American soldiers. But just like American dream, I worked my way up. Take Fallujah, please. See…I learn American humor. At Fallujah, I was the first one Americans sent into strange looking homes to see if they were occupied. Later on in the Green Zone, I’m the first one to check out suspicious packages. But it will be good to come back home to my wife, children and shopping carts. I have missed you all!” Bullshivitz then gave the Upper Slobovian national salute, which involves sticking the thumb of your right hand against the tip of the nose and wiggling the remaining fingers.

President Bush expressed gratitude toward Upper Slobovia but was disappointed that they were pulling out. “I’m grateful but I’m pissed. This great country of Uppity Slobodingdovia must want the terrorists to win or something. In short, I’ve got only one thing to say to all you pussy countries who are quitting our cozy little coalition of the coerced...er...I mean willing.” Bush then raised his right hand and extended his middle finger.

White House Explains Away Walter Reed Scandal

Press Secretary Tony Snow held a press conference last week to explain away the recent revelations of horrendous living conditions in Building 18 at Walter Reed Medical Center, a primary care facility for wounded soldiers returning from the battlegrounds of Iraq.

“This crisis is just another exaggeration by the liberal media,” explained Snow. “The liberals are the ones who really hate the troops remember. We care about the troops and it shows at the Walter Reed facility. You see, the conditions in Building 18 were that way on purpose. Those soldiers were used to the living conditions in Baghdad, which is rodent infested, dilapidated and disgusting. The administration’s medical experts felt that to give them proper medical treatment so soon after coming back from Iraq might severely affect them mentally. So that’s why they were being slowly weaned from the traumatic conditions that exist in Baghdad. But let me reiterate that things are going super in Iraq. We’re surging forward to a brand new brighter day of freedom and democracy for all Iraqi people, not just those in the Green Zone. In conclusion, it’s not our fault. Nothing ever is. Just repeat that over and over again to yourselves. Okay?”

Injured soldier Private Rob Swift said, “Well, I got my foot shot off and completely lost the feeling in my left leg. I’ve got a head wound that kinda needs attention right now. I just expected conditions to be a little bit better off at home than they were in Iraq. But...I guess I was wrong. Of course, I’ve been wrong on a lot of things with this administration. Only some 680 days left with this jackass in charge, eh? I don’t think I can wait that long for treatment.”

Bin Laden Celebrates 50th Birthday With Stripper, Opium

Al-Qaeda terrorist leader, Osama Bin Laden, is said to have celebrated his 50th birthday this past weekend by getting down and dirty with a stripper while enjoying some nice Afghan opium in his luxurious cave somewhere in the Northwest Provinces of Pakistan.

“A fun time was had by all,” said Al-Qaeda soldier Mohammed Farad al-Sari. “We played decadent western music from the likes of Herman’s Hermits and Kool and The Gang. ‘Celebrate good times’ was certainly correct! Then al-Zawahiri wheels in a towering cake and out pops the stripper. Ooo-La-La! She was wearing a mini-burqa that came all the way up to the ankle. We could see she was wearing shiny combat boots underneath. I need not tell you, we were all quite excited. She shaked and baked not five feet from Osama. His beard almost curled up from the thrill. Then al-Jabal from the Taliban brought in some primo opium from Afghanistan and we partied hardy all night long.”

Bin Laden was touched by the party. “I am deeply moved by what my followers have done for me. Maybe it’s the opium talking, but I love you guys. Not in a gay way, though...ahhh...you know what I mean. Oh and sweet Faiza. You are so sexy. I’ve never seen a woman look so good in a burqa. You could be wife number five. I feel like giving you the freedom to roam outside without male companions. Whoa! Now who’s talking crazy! You stay inside where you belong, woman. I am so looped right now! Oh yes... I almost forgot. Death to America and all that other crap!”

1 vs. 100 Adds Motorcycles, Midgets, Mob Cages

In an effort to boost ratings, NBC announced that it will spice up its Friday night quiz show 1 vs. 100 by making several thrilling additions to the show. Among some of the changes mentioned: having motorcycles circling the contestant; placing mob members inside cages; having ill-tempered midgets hanging from overhead cages and arming some mob members with weaponry.

NBC spokesperson, Tammy K. LeRoy, said “We’re just giving 1 vs. 100 a little makeover, that’s all. The show already has that Mad Max in the Thunderdome music and manic camera angles. We’re just taking the logical next step and adding these other features. We’ll have biker gangs start riding motorcycles around the lucky contestant and Bob Saget, who incidentally will get a blue Mohawk and be dressed like Billy Idol. Next we’ll have irate midgets or little people as they like to be called, shouting obscenities from hanging cages above the contestant. We’ll put mob members in cages. Any member who misses a question will then have the opportunity to shoot at the contestant with the weapon of their choice: a crossbow, a shotgun or an AK-47. We’ll add some danger to the mix by having several mob members be actual mental patients and prisoners from our overcrowded prison system. It’s the Coliseum for the 21st century! Who says NBC isn’t as hip as Fox.”

Bob Saget seemed ambivalent about the changes. “That’s show business! You’ve got to do what the man wants you to do. A blue Mohawk will be cool, I guess. It’s funny; they wanted to do the same thing to my character on Full House.”

Many people were enthused about the alterations. Jim Caldwell of Johnson, Kentucky said, “It’s about time they get more midgets on TV. I tell you the highlight for me from the last five years is when Charla and Mirna were on The Amazing Race. Watching that cute little midget play a hockey goalie was pure gold. Now that was entertainment!”

Convicted murderer and mental patient, Peter Penney, said, “I’m looking forward to being in the mob man. I’m going kill that motherf***ing contestant, whoever he is! If I get my hands on that Saget guy, I’ll get him, too! Its payback time for all those stupid voices you did on Funniest Home Videos. Uncle Jessie can’t save you now, Tanner! Bwahh-hah-hah-hah-hah! Bwahh-hah-hah-hah-hah! No, really. I’m excited to be on the show.”

Eighty eight year old retired schoolteacher, Myrtle Day, of Mills City, Missouri, said, “I can’t wait for the new show! Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill!”

Top Surprises At The 2007 Academy Awards

The 79th Academy Awards, hosted by talk show host and comedienne, Ellen DeGeneres, occurred recently in Los Angeles, California. Although other awards shows like the Peoples Choice, the Golden Globes and the Razzies have gained prestige over the years, the Academy Awards is still the premier event of the year for the film industry’s elite actors, actresses, and dolly grips. Were there many entertaining surprises this year? You bet there were! It’s Tinseltown after all. The BilgeBucket staff has dutifully compiled a list of this year’s highlights for your entertainment starved minds.

	Ellen DeGeneres walks the aisles and talks with the seat fillers
	The two second clips of nominated actors and actresses really show off their acting talents
	Shots of Peter O’Toole taking a little nip from a brown paper bag during the…eh-hem…festivities
	Rob Schneider gets a Lifetime Achievement Award for his bawdy, consciousness raising films
	A tuxedoed Al Gore does a stunning song and dance routine with singing penguins about global warming
	Helen Mirren does a playful strip-tease while accepting Best Actress award
	Tom Cruise breaks from presenting the Jean Hersholt Award and gives a lecture on the benefits of Scientology
	Camera follows Gwenyth Paltrow walking all the way from the bathroom stall to the podium to present the best cinematography award
	Dreamgirls try to out sing each other and get into an all-out, hair pulling, fingernail scratching catfight — Meeeoooowww!
	Academy Awards goes green; everyone in attendance wears hemp tuxedos and gowns
	Stunning upset for Best Gaffer; ‘Luscious’ Linda Bryant defeats ‘Dangerous’ Dave Sullivan
	Simon Cowell appears backstage and critiques Jennifer Hudson’s acceptance speech for Best Supporting Actress
	Eddie Murphy punches out Alan Arkin for winning the Best Supporting Actor award
	Clint Eastwood falls asleep at the podium while giving honorary award to Ennio Morricone
	Ellen DeGeneres surprises everyone by giving Leonardo DiCaprio a lap dance