Bush Outsources Homeland Security To Al-Qaeda

On the heels of the controversial contract with DP World, United Arab Emirates firm, for the security of 6 major U.S. ports, President Bush has announced that he is outsourcing the administration of Homeland Security to the terrorist group Al-Qaeda.

Bush said, “I know what you’re all thinking, ‘Where the hell is my head at?’ I think you know the answer to that. As CEO of BushCo…er…America, I say it’s just good business. Who knows better to protect us from Al-Qaeda than Al-Qaeda. At least that’s what Uncle Dick told me. I didn’t know about the sale until after it happened. I was watching cartoons. I just love that Scrappy-Doo. He’s so…scrappy.”

Osama Bin-Laden, leader of the terrorist organization was extremely jubilant. “Oh Praise Allah, thank you for George W. Bush. When he fell into my trap and invaded Iraq thus inflaming Islamic hatred toward the West, I was very pleased. But this is beyond all expectations. You bet; business always trumps religion in the Muslim world. You keep believing that you blessed idiot. Have no fear, President Bush. We will do an excellent job of making sure your ports are safe from us.” Bin-Laden then started giggling and prancing about saying ‘Allah Akbar’ over and over.

Surprisingly, reactions from congressman and senators were mixed. Senator Hillary Clinton chastised the administration for the deal. “Hello! Is anybody home? Apparently not. People, the United Arab Emirates dealings are extremely shady. Not only did two of the 9/11 hijackers come from UAE, but money supporting the terrorists was laundered through this country. Not only that, the UAE was one of only three countries who recognized the Taliban regime in Afghanistan. And now Al-Qaeda is in charge of American ports. Well I for one am not going to let Al Qaeda be my massa on the old port plantation and you know what I’m talking about.”

Senator John McCain, who spoke out against Bush about border security seemed to be supportive of the President on this issue. “Now let’s not be too hasty here. On the surface, it looks like a bonehead move, but there could be a logical explanation. Besides, according to my political agenda, it’s time for me to support the President on an issue, so why not this one.”

Even former Democratic President, Jimmy Carter, supported the President on the deal. “I think it’s a great idea to have Al Gore take over Homeland Security. What? It’s not Al Gore, its Al-Qaeda!!! Holy Shiite! I’ve got to get a new hearing aid!”

It was also revealed that DP World hired former Senator and Presidential candidate, Bob Dole, as a consultant and lobbyist for the company and was key for the DP World getting the ports deal. When asked why he supported this maneuver, Dole replied, ““Hey we’ll agree to anything if you throw enough money at us. We’re Republican for Christ’s sake. Besides this is a way for Bob Dole to get back at America for voting for Clinton in ’96. If you would’ve voted for Bob Dole, you wouldn’t have had Monica Lewinsky clogging up the airways. Now if you’ll excuse me, Bob Dole’s Viagra is kicking in. Liddy! Oh Liddy! Bob Dole is primed for loving.”

Americans were astonished at the deal. New York stevedore, Karl Beasley, said, “Man! Al Qaeda is the enemy. What is Bush smoking? And more importantly, how can I get some. I’m serious. Life is sucking these days.”

New Orleans resident, Latisha Conner, expressed disbelief at the developments. “First Katrina, now this. Guess what party I’m voting for in 2006. Paybacks a bitch ain’t it Dubya.”

Whittington Apologizes For Being Shot; Cheney Apologizes For Apologizing

Millionaire Houston lawyer, Harry Whittington, was released last week after being peppered with bird shot by Vice President Dick Cheney while hunting for quail at a Texas ranch. In commenting about the incident, Whittington apologized for putting Cheney through any difficulty during the week he was in the hospital.

“I’m so sorry,” said a sobbing Whittington. “I didn’t mean to get shot. Honest. I was just going to pick up a quail I just blasted to bits and the next thing you know. Blammo! Please don’t hold this against me, Mr. Vice President, sir! Pleeeeaaase!!!”

This prompted the Vice President to retract his apology for shooting Whittington he issued prior to his being released from the hospital. “I take it all back,” grumbled Cheney. “My initial instincts were correct as usual. It wasn’t my fault. It never is. It was Whittington’s fault. It was those f**king quail’s fault for not flying into the path of my shotgun. Don’t they know I’m the most powerful man in the world? When I say fly, they should fly. When I say die, they should die! Is that too much to ask?”

President Bush said he was satisfied with Cheney’s explanation about what transpired during the accident. “What? You don’t think I’m going to scold the boss, do you? He might send me to Gitmo.”

Sympathy poured out for Cheney after the debacle, especially from the media. Sean Hannity of Fox News said, “So what if he wasn’t going to tell the press about the shootings. He’s Vice President. He’s above the law. Nobody cares about him shooting somebody. He and George W. Bush are on a mission from God. It’s not ours to question the man.”

“People are making such a big deal about this,” said Bill O’Reilly. “This is nothing. Did he have sex and lie about it like that titan of evil, Bill Clinton? No! He just shot a friend while he was stewed out of his gourd and then wasn’t going to report it to the media. Case closed. Nothing to see here folks!” He then paused and looked around puzzled. “Has anyone seen my loofah mitt and vibrator?”

Citizens seemed to have mixed reactions to the shootings. Harold Compton, of Miami, Florida, said, “I think we should be concerned about it. I mean here’s the sitting Vice-President having a shooting mishap and holding off until reporting the story until the afternoon the next day, supposedly to give him a chance to sober up because not only was he hunting without a license, he had been drinking, too. I mean he’s not Robert Downey, Jr. for pete’s sake. Ask him some tough questions!”

Lester Daniels of Dennison, Texas, agreed with the media’s spin. “So he was drinking before he went shooting. Me and my buddies do that all the time and we only end up shooting each other a couple times a month. Bird shot ain’t so bad. It’s the deer bullets that hurt.”

Iraqi soldier, Private Jason Jermaine, who is stationed in Baghdad, felt horrible for the Vice President. “I feel so bad for him. That must have been hell to see his friend fall after being peppered. Hell, I’ve only seen my friends shot to ribbons and Iraqis blown to smithereens by bombs and machine gun fire. I can only imagine what he's going through. It really puts things into perspective doesn’t it.”

Bush Touts Alternative Energy; Bizarro World Leak Suspected

Last week, President Bush touted the advances of alternative energy vehicles which is has been the traditional agenda of the environmental movement and conservationists. This comes on the heels of Bush’s pronouncement during his State of the Union address where he stated America had become “addicted to oil.”

Sierra Club spokesperson, Sue Walker, said, “We’re ecstatic about the President’s words. It’s just that given his past stance on environmental views, his years as an oilman, and the fact that he has filled the EPA with energy industry lackeys, I’m not sure the words will actually translate into action. I’m just wondering who is this man and what did they do with the real President Bush.”

Bush acted shocked when asked about his new found interest in the environment. “I don’t know why everyone is surprised. When people think of environmental causes, people think of the Republican party. Stop laughing everyone. You’re hurting my feelings.”

Scientist Wolfgang Schnitzelhoffen, of the New Jersey Institute of Bizarre Quantum Mechanics and Phrenology said he believes he knows the cause of the seeming juxtaposition. “Ve feel dis strange behavior is a result of a leakage in ze space und time continuum. Apparently, a leak between the Bizarro dimenzion has occurred and ze Prezident is now talking like he gives a rats ass about the environment, which as everyone knows he doesn’t. If ve don’t stop ze leak, he vill become a complete liberal in a veeks time.”

Bush expounded on his new found concern about environmental causes. “I’ve called environmentalists ‘green, green, lima beans’ in the past. That’s just my way of kidding them. Now, I’m not claiming to be a ‘green, green, lima bean’. I’m more a broccoli guy. Wait. Forget broccoli. My dad hates broccoli. I’m kale. Yes, definitely kale. Do I know what I’m talking about right now? Not a clue.”

Bush also announced that he plans to decrease defense spending, give more money to social programs, increase corporate taxes, support a woman’s right to choose, and to endorse evolution.

After the announcement, Vice President Dick Cheney showed up from his underground bunker wearing camouflage and escorted the President to a waiting limousine. “We’re going hunting,” said Cheney as he shoved the President into the car.

Highlights Of The 2006 New Orleans Mardi Gras

New Orleans is celebrating its first Mardi Gras since Hurricane Katrina devastated much of the city back in September. The celebration is a culmination of the carnival season which begins each year on January 6th. Officials are hoping that tourism for the event will revitalize the stagnant economy and show the world that New Orleans is on the mend. There are many spicy events happening during the celebration and the BilgeBucket staff has compiled the highlights of the festivities. Gar-on-teed to make you feel less cranky!

	Barbara Bush (the old one) is given a seat of honor at the Superdome right under the hole in the roof
	Revelers dress as Arab Sheiks to welcome DP World to the Port of New Orleans
	President Bush is sent a King cake loaded with manure
	Party goers beads also function as floatation devices
	Roy Nagin throws Hershey bars to the crowds on Bourbon Street
	A tanked up Jenna Bush flashes the crowd during the Bacchus parade
	A tanked up Barbara Bush (the old one) flashes the crowd during the Zulu parade
	A tanked up Dick Cheney flashes the crowd and shoots off his shotgun during the Rex parade
	Floats in this year’s parade actually float
	Tom Delay enters the French Quarter costume contest dressed as a giant turd
	Britney Spears makes surprise appearance on float driven by her baby Sean Preston
	The FEMA Float of Failure featuring jester Michael Chertoff stalls at the beginning of the Rex Parade and breaks down
	King of Carnival, Michael Brown, is tarred and feathered, mistaken for a quail and shot by Dick Cheney