Gomy Dinkman: Virtual Living

Greetings to all my many fans out there on the web. It’s been a while since I talked to all of you, but there have been a lot of video games to conquer in the past year: PsychoKiller IV, Nuke ‘Em All To Bloody Hell, The Care Bears Meet Leatherface. Rest assured, I mastered all of them. Lately, an interesting development occurred for The Gomster. Now I’m pretty much a stud when it comes to women...at least when I’m playing video games. I score repeatedly with the hos and bitches I come across in games like Pimp City, The McSimulacs and the Viceman series. But I’ve always felt that if I ever had a date with a real breathing human woman, I’d know what to do, no problem. Well I finally got to put my theory to the test last week. I dated a woman; a real live breathing woman. The rest of the staff here at the Bucket didn’t believe me. That Little Jimmy Shitzenzimmer even kicked me in the shin for lying. One of these days I’m going to get up the nerve to teach that little third grader a lesson. The important thing is I had a date with a human chickerino and let me tell you, she wanted the Gomster...bad.

It all started two weeks ago when I reading the VideoStud blog looking for cheats to Care Bears Meet Leatherface, which I must say is one vastly underrated game (who knew Care Bears could handle a chain saw!). There was a post from a person named Ho Tina, which as anyone who is anyone knows is the main slut in Hooker Vendetta, one of my favorite games of 2004. Could this post be from an actual woman? Just the thought of a woman who played video games made my heart race. Needless to say, I was intrigued. The post said that there was a great unmentioned shortcut through Leatherface’s Acid Vat Room, which may lead to extra TLC health points. I immediately posted a huge thank you for the wonderful insight and inquired if she might be of the feminine persuasion. She said she was. I didn’t waste any time. I posted that I would love to meet her. She posted that she would like to meet me, too. Bingo! I told her to meet me the next night at Gamezooka, the hottest video entertainment center in Cactus Corners.

I hardly slept that night and couldn’t wait until 6:00 rolled around the next day. I was so excited I almost couldn’t concentrate on playing Bloodlust XX: Satan’s Olympics (that ski jump into lava is wicked cool!). The hour drew near. I showered and shaved the two whiskers I have on my chin. That Old Spice sure stung those pores. I loaded up the Brylcreem on the ol’ hairdo. Then I put on my best pair of sneakers, my baggiest pair of jeans and my black Raiders From Hell t-shirt. I looked in the mirror. What woman wouldn’t want me now?

I showed up at Gameszooka at 6:00 on the dot. I looked around. I guess I should have asked what she looked like. I just figured she had to look like Ho Tina or at the very least Lara Croft. There were several little girls and a lot of mom’s chaperoning but no one I thought matched what I thought my date should look like. I was just getting ready to leave when I heard a voice from behind.

“Are you the Gomster?” Gomster was my screen name on the VideoStud blog. My heart raced. I turned in great anticipation. Yikes!!! It was a middle aged woman wearing a lime green moo-moo, sandals and scraggily big black hair; she was Mimi from The Drew Carey Show, except with dark hair and no makeup. Have I exclaimed Yikes yet? I thought about running but I was paralyzed with fear.

“Ummm…yeah. I guess,” was all I could manage.

“Say you’re Gomy Dinkman from the BilgeBucket Gazette aren’t you?” she asked all wide eyed and smiling.

“Why yes. I am,” I confirmed smugly.

“Oh wow! I love that webzine. It really is the finest satirical webzine in Cactus Corners, Arizona,” she said. “Is Chester Einstein really as cranky as he appears to be?”

“Crankier,” I affirmed. She started to titter like a school girl. Wow! I made a girl laugh...er...I mean I was being devastatingly charming and she was digging me. Cool! She was falling under the spell of the Gomster! She introduced herself as Melba, like the toast, and it wasn’t long before she and I were walking around the place playing video games and chewing the fat. We decided to get some cokes and some pizza. We talked mostly about video games, anime, and comic books. I couldn’t believe she enjoyed all the things I did; here she was a middle aged woman who spent her days playing video games and reading comic books. I asked her what she did for a living. She said she made her money by placing tiny ads in the newspaper. She got the idea from an infomercial she saw on TV. Now I was impressed.

It was getting late and I had a network game of Killbots 2050 to get to on my computer. She had to go, too. She had a network game of Vice Demons on her computer. We said our goodbyes and promised to hook up again in the near future.

Melba was really cool! She was smart. She laughed at my jokes. She loved my impersonation of Pimp Roy from Hollywood Vice. And we had a lot in common. She was smitten with the Gomster! I pondered to myself as I caught the bus back to my swanky 400 square foot studio apartment; could I be falling for a plump middle aged woman? Could a May-December romance be in the workings for Gomy Dinkman, Ladykiller? No way, Jose! I mean she was okay, but Geez! She looked like Mimi from The Drew Carey Show. Besides, I’ve got to keep myself free. If Jennifer Lopez ever breaks up with that Marc Antony dork, I can’t be chained up to a woman who wears moo-moos and plays video games. I’ve got to be ready to swoop in and claim JLo as my ho. Well, I’ll have to do the manly thing and break up with Melba online. Yet another woman falls victim to the Gomster’s charm. It’s tough being a Super Stud.