White House Revises Bush's New Job Estimate From 2.6 Million to 26

The White House announced this past week that President Bush may have over-estimated the number of new jobs that will be created in the coming year. Bush claimed recently that because of his tax cuts and his economic policies, 2.6 million jobs would be created before the end of the year.

Secretary of the Treasury, John Snow, told reporters, "The president was a bit off in his calculations." Snow then paused to drink some water and could be heard murmuring, "Friggin' idiot!" under his breath. He then continued. "We expect 2004 to be a very robust year but the actual number of new jobs being created this coming year will be 26. We believe most of these jobs will be at Starbucks."

Bush has been sharply criticized that although the economy and Stock Market seem to be getting stronger, 2.1 million jobs have been lost during his presidency, giving him the worst record for job creation of any president since Herbert Hoover.

President Bush later defended himself. "Cut me some slack here folks. I forgot to carry the one a few times, and multiplied some numbers together that I wasn't supposed to. I never was good at that ciphering stuff. I'm a war president, not a statistician. I'm good at delivering fake turkeys to our troops in Iraq. I'm good at dressing in flight suits and landing on big boats. By the way, did you see my package? I'm quite the stud. Oh and I'm also good at saying 'God Bless America'. God Bless America!"

Local Man Tries To Get Loan To Pay For Prescriptions

In a shocking move last week, out-of-work software engineer, Harold Roberts, had to resort to attempting to take out a loan to pay for his prescription drugs.

Roberts was laid off from his job at MicroDinks late last year. He had worked at the company for ten years, but was dismissed after company officials decided to outsource his job to India. While working at MicroDinks he developed several stress related ailments including high blood pressure, coronary heart disease, acid reflux, ulcers and excruciating headaches from all the extra hours he put in slaving away on crucial projects. When he went to the doctors office last week complaining of dizziness, fatigue and irregular heartbeat the doctor prescribed his usual medicine, but since he no longer had medical insurance, he had to seek some way to pay the astronomical price for his prescriptions.

Loan Officer Vinnie Mikowski of Buckaroo Bob's National Bank and Pawn Shop said, "I just couldn't believe my ears. Most people come in here and want money to buy a car, some jewelry or an illegal firearm. But when he said he wanted to buy prescription drugs. Whew! That was a new one! I was about to give him the money when he clarified himself by saying he was unemployed. Poor guy! He didn't have a job so I told him to get lost."

"I didn't know what I was going to do," lamented Roberts. "I couldn't get any prescriptions because I couldn't afford the price without insurance. I couldn't get insurance because I have a pre-existing condition. So I decided to do what several other Americans have done lately and that's go to Canada to get my drugs. I know it's illegal, but I had no other choice."

Roberts traveled to Canada, bought his drugs at an affordable price and was returning to the United States when he was stopped by Homeland Security agents and thrown into jail. Arresting agent Jay Gruntwell said, "I can't imagine a more un-patriotic thing as buying your drugs from outside of the USA. The man is a terrorist! I hope the bastard fries!"

Roberts said from his cell, "Well I guess I've learned one thing from this whole thing. Don't get sick." He then doubled over in pain from his ulcer.

Fox Announces New Makeover Show Extreme Lobotomy

It seems that makeover shows and reality shows are the latest craze. Starting next week, Fox will air a combination of both, Extreme Lobotomy, where contestants will be given a lobotomy and the nation will watch the ensuing hijinks.

Programming Executive Deuce Willko said, "This is what television is all about! Ordinary people call in and suggest somebody for a lobotomy. Then we send over our makeover squad to their house and do the deed. Our cameras stay for a while and watch what happens to the transformed victim when he or she wakes and tries to function like a normal human being. Oh, the hilarity!"

Willko continued, "Our Lobotomy Squad is the highlight of the show. It's made up of the seediest, grimiest, most delightful characters you've ever seen. We've got Dr. Guido Guardini, an ex-mafia surgeon from New York. His assistant is surgeon Dr. Manny 'Two Thumbs' Martinez from Tijuana. He's been banned from practicing medicine from three different Central American countries. The nurse is Mildred Lum, a chain-smoking midwife from Chiggersville, Illinois. Of course we need muscle to handle reluctant participants. That's why we've hired five Hells Angels to be our orderlies. This has to be television's finest moment!"

In an advance screening of the first episode, a college coed Amber gets back at her boyfriend Austin because he doesn't want to see Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights with her. She calls the Lobotomy Squad. An hour later, the group shows up. The Hells Angels wrestle the unlucky boyfriend onto the surgical gurney. Nurse Lum administers the anesthesia (a quart of vodka). Dr. Guardini sharpens the jigsaw and 'Two Thumbs' breaks out his Swiss Army knife. An hour later, Austin is an uproarious drooling idiot who keeps wetting himself. Amber decides to dump him but not before baring her breasts for the Hells Angels.

Twenty-something Jason Fellows, who was in the screening audience said, "Wow! And I thought that Obnoxious Fiancé show was funny! This show has it all; violence, breasts, more violence. I love it when that guy gets lobotomized. It's funny cause it isn't me. Ha ha!"

William N. Barnett III, a forty-year member of the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences, emerged from the screening looking pale and shell-shocked. "My God! I think I'm going to be sick!"

Fox is also planning special Celebrity shows, where America's favorite celebrities are given surprise lobotomies. "People keep suggesting people like Ozzy Osbourne, Jessica Simpson or Anna Nicole Smith," said Willko. "These people don't need lobotomies. They're pretty much gone already. We're aiming for obnoxious stars like Roseanne, Dennis Miller or Simon Cowell, who think they're actually intelligent. But we want as our very first victim, Jay Leno. I mean he's been lobotomizing America for years with his insipid show. I think turnabout is fair play. Jaywalking would really be funny then."

Top Things To Do On Leap Day

It's February 29th and that means its Leap Day, a day that comes around once every four years. So the BilgeBucket staff has decided to help you plan your Leap Day festivities. We've come up with a list of top things to do to celebrate this special day. Enjoy it because it won't come again for four more years.

	Sleep all day long
	Cut your toenails
	Sort your socks
	Play leap-frog with your neighbors
	Relax and listen to Weird Al Yankovic records
	Buy O magazine and read it cover to cover
	Play video games all day long (Gomy's plan)
	Gripe and complain about having an extra day in the year (Chester's plan)
	Have hot monkey sex with the first person you see (Beulah's plan)
	Go to Victoria's Secret and try on lingerie (Dex's plan)
	Leap around everywhere you go shouting "It's Leap Day! It's Leap Day!"
	Break open a bottle of Two Buck Chuck and go crazy