Bush Concludes His 'Dubya Bullshits Europe 2005 Tour'

President Bush returned from his official 'Dubya Bullshits Europe 2005 Tour' last week hopeful that the past rift between European nations because of the Iraq war will soon be a thing of the past. Bush's tour took him to Belgium, Germany and Slovakia where he met with leaders from all European nations.

"I think we're all on the same page," said Bush confidently. "They understand that they're my bitch and they've got do what I say or they will be considered a terrorist nation and they'll have to deal with Dick Cheney."

In Brussels, Belgium, Bush met with other European leaders at the NATO Summit where it was agreed that countries would support training of Iraqi security forces or face the consequences. Bush then met with French President Jacques Chirac for dinner. They each agreed to try and settle their differences and made conciliatory gestures to one another. President Bush ate some 'French' fries. Chirac promised to not call Bush an 'asshole'. Also, they both agreed that Lebanon is a country in the Middle East and had a lot of terrorists. Bush was very positive about the experience. "I told ol' Frenchy, that's my little nickname for Jacks, that he could come visit me at my ranch and we could play cowboy together sometime. Then I could give him a lesson on my foreign policy style." Chirac rolled his eyes and downed a glass of chardonnay.

Bush then visited Mainz, Germany where thousands of citizens showed up in Mainz to protest his arrival. But like in America, the President was escorted away from any inconvenient displays of dissent. Bush then met with German Chancellor Gerhard Schröder, who was one of the Bush's biggest opponents for the Iraq War. Both men agreed to put their differences aside about Iraq and work toward a solution on Iran's nuclear weapons. Bush said, "I told ol' Sgt. Schultz, that's my little nickname for Gearhead, that we definitely won't invade Iran but the option of invading Iran is still on the table. That shut him up real good. He was flabbergasted the rest of the day." Bush said he would seriously think about diplomacy with Iran. Schröder said he would seriously think about not selling arms to China.

In Slovakia, Bush met with Russian President Vladimir Putin to discuss Russia's recent suspension of democratic action in Russia, and Putin's endorsement of a pro-Russian candidate in the Ukraine. "I told old Pootie-Put, that's my little nickname for Vaseline, that we will not stand by and watch him ram his agenda down his own people's throat and do what he wants to in the world without regard for world opinion. Then he got all uppity in my face and said, 'Isn't that what you're doing now, my cowboy friend?' Well, I said yes, but we call it freedom in our country. Then I kept repeating the word freedom over and over again. I think he got the message." The meeting concluded with Putin agreeing with Bush that Iran is indeed a country in the Middle East and may or may not have nuclear weapons.

The White House was glowing about the trip. Chief of Staff, Andrew Card said, "There's no question about it. This had to be the best trip to Europe ever by a President. This was better than his daddy's trip in 1989. This was better than Reagan's trip when he told Gorbachev to tear down the Berlin Wall. This was even better than the Potsdam conference at the end of World War II. Oh, the majesty of it all." Card placed a hand on his heart and became teary-eyed. "God bless you, Mr. President!"

Bush was also very enthusiastic about the tour. "Yep. No doubt about it. Our relations with old Europe is on the mend. And our new improved 'Sexytary' of State, Condi Rice, should have those horny European bastards eating right out of our hand soon. Did you see her in Weisbaden? She was looking hot, like Catwoman. Meow!"

It was reported that after Bush left, all the leaders of the European Union got together in Brussels and had a really good laugh.

U.S. Unveils New Temperamental Missile Defense System

The United States Missile Defense Agency unveiled its new Missile Defense System recently with a failed long-range interceptor test in the Pacific Ocean. This marks the second failure of the multi-billion dollar 'missile defense shield' system in the last three months.

Defense officials explained that the system works well and that the last two $85 million dollar tests were anomalies. "The shield really works quite well," said Captain Tom McGiven. "It's just that for the system to work, the interceptor missile has to know the exact coordinates of the target missile. It's very temperamental system. So if our enemies send us the planned route of their missiles, then we'll be fine. We consider this a feature and not a shortcoming. If our enemies shoot them where we don't think they're going to be, and we just shoot off an interceptor willy nilly, we'd be wasting a missile. So in a way, we're being pretty efficient. Besides, we succeeded five out of eight times earlier. That's what...eighty, ninety percent. That's good enough."

Critics are livid at the wastefulness of the program. Dr. Dan Wojozewski, of the Union of Concerned Scientists, said, "This missile defense system is a boondoggle for George Bush and his friends in the defense industry. Numerous Nobel Prize winning physicists have said that a missile shield is physically, impossibility. These are the world's leading scientists, and President Bush is ignoring them and putting billions of taxpayers' dollars toward a system that won't work. Those successes Captain McGiven mentioned were all well scripted tests because there were homing beacons in the mock target warheads that were deployed and the defense was given information about the flight path of the target in advance. So even with a scripted test, they failed five out of eight times. The long-range interceptor has never been tested successfully in an intercept test. So this system, which is supposed to protect the Pacific Coast of the United States from missiles from Eastern Asia, may or may not protect our great Pacific coast cities like L.A., San Francisco, Portland and Seattle. Just flip a coin. I don't find that very reassuring."

McGiven dismissed such talk. "Please, this system is as sound as our reasons for invading Iraq. Besides, I certainly wouldn't cry if L.A. or San Francisco bit the big one. Those cities are full of liberal fruitcakes anyway. It'll serve those bastards right for not voting for our godly President Bush." He placed a hand on his heart and became teary-eyed. "God bless you, Mr. President!"

Citizens expressed mixed views about the system. Sarah Nelson, of Portland, Oregon, said, "That sixty two percent accuracy really gives me a warm fuzzy. You know, I think I have relatives in Portland, Maine. Yeah, live on the east coast. That's the ticket."

Ted Vecksley of Tacoma, Washington, said, "I have full faith in our government and our new missile defense system. I'm also convinced my brother is Bigfoot and my cat, Ruffles, is an alien being from the planet Glaxpar."

Bryan Peter of Costa Mesa, California, said, "A Star Wars system would be way cool, man! Maybe the military can like, ask George Lucas for help. I mean he used all those lasers in the Star Wars movie. He's like an expert on that stuff. Then we could get Luke, Han and Chewy to run the whole thing. That would be like, so cool!"

Fifty-Eight Year Old Women Gives Birth To Twenty Year Old Man

In a case for the record books, last week, fifty eight year old grandmother Thelma Lewis of Burnt Possum, Kansas, gave birth to a twenty-year-old man.

"It's a bonafide miracle," said Pastor John Williams of The Eighth Evangelical Church of Burnt Possum. "I didn't even know she was pregnant. I just thought she was morbidly obese. The Lord doth work in mysterious ways. Hallelujah!"

Lewis' best friend, Ida Jackson, described the birth. "Oh Lord, Thelma made a ruckus. She was wailing like a Banshee. We could hear her all the way from Tenth Street. And the hospital's on First Street. Well, I guess I'd be wailing too if I had a one hundred forty pound man coming out of my vagina. Lord have mercy!"

Doctors are mystified as to how Lewis lived for twenty years with a human growing inside her. "Wow!" exclaimed attending physician, Dr. Luther D. Biddle. "We really missed that one. Well, gotta go. I'm late for my 1:30 tee time."

Lewis named the child Charles, after his supposed father. "At least I think it was Charles. That's twenty years ago during my mid-life, hornier than a jackrabbit phase of my life. I don't remember who did it and I don't care. I'm just glad that boy is out of my body. Lord, what a burden! I've already dropped fifteen dress sizes. At least he can go out and earn a living right away."

Charles, who surprisingly could speak perfect English, spoke to reporters after the birth."I could hear everything from the womb. That's how I picked up English. From what I could hear there was no way I was coming out. First Reagan was President, then Bush. I thought briefly about coming out when Clinton was President but Dubya won in 2000 so I stayed in. Then Momma had to go eat Indian food. She avoided that stuff for twenty years. But no! She had to go and have the Lamb Curry. I just couldn't take that. I had to come out." When asked about what it was like living in the womb for twenty years, Charles said, "What? Are you kidding? It was fantastic. If I had it my way, I'd stay in there for another twenty years."

Family members say that the newborn will go out next month and start looking for a job. Recruiters from the Army, Navy, Air Force and Marines have been rumored to be extremely interested in signing him up for military service in Iraq. Army Recruiter Lt. Phillip Eaton said, "We try to get 'em young but this is ridiculous."

Top Surprises At The Academy Awards

The 77th Academy Awards, hosted by comedian Chris Rock, occurred tonight in Los Angeles, California. The evening is the highlight of the year for the film industry as actors, actresses, directors and movie production people are honored for their achievements over the past year. Millions of viewers tune in to not only watch who wins the coveted Oscar, but also watch the spectacular song and dance numbers and the dazzling fashion worn by the attending celebrities. Surprising events also occur, such as in 1973 when Marlon Brando sent an American Indian, Sacheen Littlefeather, to accept his award or the streaker during the 1974 Academy Awards when David Niven was at the podium. This year is no exception. The BilgeBucket staff has compiled a list of the biggest surprises at this year's awards ceremony.

	Sally Field rushes on stage and asks the audience, "Do you still like me?"
	Tasteful The Passion of the Christ song and dance number featuring on stage crucifixion
	Chris Rock goes on a tirade and curses for a half hour straight
	Scarlett Johansson presents Best Dolly Grip award from men's rest room
	Michael Jackson shows up to hang out with that singing boys choir
	Halle Berry arrives on the red carpet wearing a gunny-sack dress...and still looks hot
	Winners of the Best Achievement in Sound award tease the other nominees mercilessly with taunts of "In your face, losers!"
	Ron Jeremy presents the award for the Best Money Shot...oops that's the AVN Porn Movie Awards
	Dave Dunkelmann wins the award for Best Best Boy; Kenny Lipschitz got screwed I'm telling ya, man!
	Lifetime Achievement Award goes to Bubba Smith for his work in the Police Academy movies
	Beyonce wins award for Best Action Shorts
	Penelope Cruz and Salma Hayek break into a minute long French kiss on stage
	In the biggest upset of the night, Soul Plane wins the Oscar for Best Picture
	President Bush shows up to receive the Best Actor award only to learn he won the Best Actor award at the Razzies for his appearance in Fahrenheit 9/11