Bush Cozies Up To Democrats; Claims “I’m All About Bipartisanship”

Since the November mid-term election, when the Democrats won control of both the Senate and the House, President Bush has been trying to become friendlier with the Democratic majority saying that he hopes that the Congress will work with a bipartisan spirit. This was plainly evident when he recently showed up at a Democratic Party retreat in Virginia.

Bush was bursting with good will when he rose to speak to those assembled. “Hey, I know I’ve been a bit hard on you in the past. Remember that ‘you’re either for us or with the terrorist’ thing I pulled before the mega-successful Iraq War began? Wasn’t that a hoot? Ahhhh. Good times! But now, I’m all about bipartisanship. I guess you could say I’m bi. Heh-heh! I thought you liberals might like that one. I just hope that you decide to play nice with me just like I’ve been so nice to you these past six years.”

Bush then joked about his State of the Union gaffe when he referred to the ‘Democrat majority’ instead of the ‘Democratic majority’. “Hey look! Me no speak good. Me is Republic. Get it! Get it! Heh-heh! I think I’ve got a career in stand up after I leave office. Yep. From bestest president ever to bestest comedian ever. Sorry Pickles. Maybe you can be my warm up act. That horse masturbation joke you told a couple years ago is a classic.”

Democrats in attendance enjoyed Bush’s comments and said they looked forward to working with the President during the coming year. Independent Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman, who caucuses with the Democrats, said “Oh, I am so thrilled. I’m just brimming with enthusiasm and excitement. This is such a special time in our history. I’ve got a feeling this ‘Surge’ will be a lot like the ‘Joementum’ that carried me to victory last November. We will win in Iraq, gosh darn it! ”

Democratic Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, said, “Oh, he made such a funny joke at his own expense. That’s enough for me. I’m willing to forget his bullying and ramming his agenda down America’s throat the last six years. I’ll agree to anything he says.”

Democratic Nevada Senator Harry Reid said, “How can you stay mad at that little rascal? He’s just so darn cute! He’s just like Beaver from Leave it to Beaver. He’s always getting into mischief, but then he says something cute and all is forgiven. He may get an F in intelligence but he gets a big, fat A in charisma.”

White House political strategist, Karl Rove, gloated with glee over Bush’s appearance. “Suckers! It’s all going according to plan. First Scooter Libby takes the fall for the Plame leak. Then Rummy and the CIA take the fall for the Iraq War. Just as we duped the evangelicals, soon the Democrats will agree to anything we want and we’ll be able to invade Iran, blame the Democrats and complete fuck up...er...transform the Middle East to our liking. Hah-hah-hah-hah! Hah-hah-hah-hah!”

Dolphins To Fight Terrorism At Sea; Squirrels To Fight Terrorism In City

The United States Navy, in coordination with the department of Homeland Security, has revealed a revolutionary new program where bottlenose dolphins will patrol America’s coastline to root out terrorists by sea and squirrels would be trained to ferret out terrorists in America’s urban areas.

Navy spokesperson, Melvin Berry, explained why dolphins were chosen for defense at sea and how they would prevent terrorists from attacking. “These marine mammals have the capabilities we need to perform this important mission of preventing waterborne attackers from invading our naval bases off America’s shores. In the past we’ve used dolphins to detect mines in foreign harbors, but animal activists got all in our face about that. So a couple blew up; it’s not like they were Flipper. We wouldn’t kill Flipper. Anyhoo, dolphins have exceptional sonar capabilities to detect any rogue swimmers or divers who are planning to invade America by swimming. When dolphins encounter any terrorist divers, they’ll drop a beacon that signals the exact location of the invader. We’re also in the process of training the dolphins to use rudimentary weapons like clubs, shivs, AK-47s, and grenade launchers. I’ll tell you what; you do not want to encounter a dolphin with a grenade launcher, trust me. Currently, the only problem we’ve had is that sometimes the dolphin will be distracted by minor things such as food and they’ll go off and hunt instead of following orders. Don’t worry though, after a few weeks detention in Guantanamo Bay, they’ll start obeying.”

Homeland Security spokesman, Raymond W. Jackson, explained the urban protection program using squirrels to detect terrorists. “The squirrels were picked because they’re rather ubiquitous creatures throughout America’s urban areas and while they may not be the most intelligent animals, they can certainly get around and blend into the background. If any terrorists are tight roping their way across a power line, the squirrel’s going to get them, no question. The only problem is that sometime they hear a noise and they get all…I don’t know…squirrelly. They just freak out and run up a tree, duck into a sewer or into the path of an oncoming vehicle. They also tend to be distracted by nuts, acorns and berries…a lot. But we’re making progress. We’ve created a squirrel-cam that mounts on the squirrels head so we see what the squirrel sees. We’ve also armed a few of our more dependable squirrels with heat seeking missiles. This comes in handy when we locate a terrorist cell in a house: we can release the squirrel down the chimney, he locates the terrorist, fires the missile and escapes out a window. I know that sounds all James Bond-like and all future worldish, but secret squirrel technology is becoming a reality today. I mean our squirrels are already reliable a whopping five percent of the time. We’ve got nowhere to go but up, right?”

National Security Advisor, Stephen Hadley, praised the Navy and Homeland Security for their initiative and stated that the dolphins and squirrels would be taken care of in their old age. “While most squirrels live to be ten years old, many dolphins live to be thirty years old. But don’t worry; dolphins and squirrels will qualify for retirement benefits. They’ll get medical coverage and will be able to participate in a 401K program. Dolphins will also qualify for the new Medicare prescription drug benefit program that President Bush has so graciously established. We may not take care of elderly humans properly, but we know how to take care of our brave fighting animals.”

Many Americans were in favor of the program. Lester Walker of Meacham, North Carolina, said, “It’s about time. Those dolphins and squirrels have been freeloading long enough. Put ‘em to work I say!”

Darryl Keough of Tompkins Forge, Virginia, said, “That’s like so cool man! That’s what I’m gonna be when I grow up… a terrorist fighting dolphin.”

Caroline Stanley of Dubuque, Iowa, said, “Oh those little squirrels look so cute with their little camera helmets and heat seeking missiles. Why there’s one now! Come here my little friend. Oh look: it shot a missile at me! Isn’t that…SHIIIIIIT!!!!”

When asked to comment on the program, the fighting squirrel known as Simon said, “Chhhhhkk, chhhhhkk, chk, chhhhhhk, chhhhhkk”, which when translated from squirrel to English means “Have you seen my nuts?”

Accounting Candidate Interviews With Company Janitor

Accountant Ted Carnahan was recently surprised when he went in for an interview at the prestigious firm of Goldstein and Hahn and found himself interviewing with the company janitor, Harold Varner.

“Everything started out great,” explained Carnahan. “I met with Fred Kurtz, who would be my immediate supervisor. I thought I did very well with him. I think he was very impressed with my skills and my background. Then I met Jerry Goldstein himself. I was so nervous. I mean this man is an accounting legend. We talked about the latest tax laws and discussed what we thought the best accounting software was. I thought we really clicked. Then the next thing I know, I’m being led into the broom closet and I’m meeting the janitor. I wasn’t getting a warm fuzzy about the way things were going.” Carnahan paused, chugged his pint of Guinness, belched, and continued.

“So the janitor introduces himself and then starts asking me questions like, ‘Do I eat a lot of beans, roughage and gassy foods?’, ‘Do I shower daily?’ ‘Do I eat and drink at my desk and if I do, what kind of foods do I eat?’ Then he gets up close to me and starts sniffing me. I mean he’s sniffing my face, my clothes, my armpits: Hell, I thought he was going to sniff my crotch there for a second. Then he checks the underside of my shoes, looking for any sign of dirt. Finally, he said he would escort me out to my car and when he got to it, he starts looking inside, checking my interior. Then he just stood there and watched me pull out of the parking space, taking notes while he’s watching. What was he doing, judging my driving skills? I can honestly say it was the most bizarre interview of my career.”

Human Resources manager, Tina Holloway, explained the interview process. “Here at Goldstein and Hahn, we believe all employees are equal, from Mr. Goldstein down to our mail clerks. Harold Varner is a valuable employee here. He keeps are toilets flushing and our trash baskets empty. We value his opinion as much as we do Mr. Goldstein’s.”

Varner commented on his important role. “I’m flattered that Jerry and Buzz - that’s what I call Michael Hahn - want me to be a part of the interview process. After all, I do clean up after everyone. I don’t want to take care of slobs. Last month, I weeded out a complete pig. Not only did he eat at Taco Bell all the time, but the back seat of his car was nothing but empty beer and soda cans and taco wrappers. He just reeked of taco farts. Oh and the way he haphazardly backed out of his stall and left the parking lot, I could just tell he was a ne'er-do-well. From my experience, bad drivers translate to untidy persons. He also liked to eat Cheetos while typing on the computer. Do you know how messy that Cheetos dust makes those keyboards? I’d be taking those keys off on a nightly basis just to clean up his cheese residue. I don’t want some swine working here that’s going to make my life a living hell; I don’t care how good of an accountant they are. Hey, I’ve got to clean the toilets and I don’t want to clean up after a bunch of exploders, if you know what I mean. I guess you could say I give a shit about our toilets…and our company. ”

When reached to comment on Varner’s assistance with interviewing candidates, Jerry Goldstein replied, “Let’s just say Harold walked in on one of my private interviews with my secretary last year. Now, to keep his loose lips tight, he’s not only in on the interview process, he makes more money than I do. You don’t happen to know the number of that crazy astronaut hit lady do you? I could really use her help right about now.”

Top Father Candidates Of Anna Nicole Smith’s Baby

Recently, controversial celebrity and former Playboy playmate, Anna Nicole Smith, was tragically found dead in a Florida hotel room apparently from a drug overdose. Since then, coverage of her death has become a three ring circus with the latest sideshow featuring several males stepping forward and claiming to be the father of Anna Nicole’s daughter Dannielyn. Well, the BilgeBucket staff has compiled a handy dandy list of all the potential fathers of the baby. Print it out and check off the names as the celebrity obsessed media machine blows this story way out of proportion right before our eyes.

	Howard K. Stern
	‘King of All Media’ Howard A. Stern
	Local drunk and mystic Howard X. Stern
	Ted Haggard (He's now homosexual free you know!)
	Alf
	Michael Jackson
	Maury Povich
	Mary Cheney
	The BilgeBucket Gazette’s own Gomy Dinkman (probability – zilch!)
	Former President and ladies man, Bill Clinton
	Former President and ladies man, George H. W. Bush
	Former President and ladies man, Grover Cleveland
	SpongeBob SquarePants
	Osama Bin Laden
	Zarsnix XK532 from the Planet Queznar
	There was no father (you know what that means!)