America Obsessed With Janet's Boob

The big story for the past fortnight hasn't been the Democratic Primaries or the missing WMD's in Iraq, but the exposure of Janet Jackson's right breast by Justin Timberlake during the halftime show of the Super Bowl. The nation can't stop talking about the so-called 'Wardrobe Malfunction'.

"Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!" said Hollywood Beat reporter Joel Tinsel . "This is like the biggest Hollywood scandal since the Michael Jackson case. Who would've guessed that Janet could be such a slut and Justin could be such a virile animal. Oh say it ain't so Justin! Oh, who am I kidding. You can tear off my breast plate anytime!"

"I can't believe that little hooligan ripped off her chest thingie," said eighty-seven year old retired preacher Abe Petersen of Repressed Valley, Ohio. "I'm traumatized! If God intended for us to be naked, we would've been born without clothes. Wait a second! There's nothing covering my face. I'm a sinner!" He promptly grabbed a nearby newspaper and draped it over his head.

Martha Engstrom of Dullsview, New Jersey said, "I know I should be concerned about the Iraq situation, the exploding deficit and the assault on the environment by the Bush administration, but this is so much more interesting. I can't understand government stuff. I can understand boobies."

Kristi Robinson of Jacksonville, Florida commented as she breast-fed her infant in the middle of a crowded mall, "I think it's horrible. For a woman to show her breast in public like that. Our society is just going to hell. Ooops! My tit slipped and milk is squirting all over." She then noted several people staring at her. "What are you looking at? Haven't you ever seen a women's breast before? Grow up!"

Bryan Jimson, a teen from Borington, Kansas said, "I saw Janet Jackson's hooter." He then laughed to himself for several minutes.

William K. Atherton, spokesman for the FCC, said, "We will investigate and prosecute those responsible for this heinous act, to the full extent of the law! Now excuse me, I've got to return my porno tapes to the video store or I'll have to pay a fine."

Cheney To Judge His Own Case

In a surprising and controversial move, Vice President Dick Cheney recused Judge Anton Scalia from the upcoming energy task force case that the Supreme Court is scheduled to hear. Cheney, who is one of the defendants in the case, then replaced Scalia with himself.

"The press has been yakking about our cozy hunting trip long enough," said a disgusted Scalia. "The poor Vice President was sick and tired of it. I mean come on. I can hear the case of a good friend of mine without being biased. Dick boldly took matters into his own hands. God bless him!"

Democrats and watchdog groups are crying foul over the action stating it's unconstitutional and illegal. "I'm flabbergasted by the audaciousness of it," said Kathleen Beaumont of Citizens Watch, a grassroots government watchdog organization. "Not only can Cheney not recuse Scalia but he also cannot appoint himself to hear the case. This blatant power grab is entirely unconstitutional and Americans won't stand for it."

Billy Joe Jim Bob Davis of Fetid Gulch, Texas claimed indifference to the whole matter. "All I know is you're never supposed to question the President or the Vice President. Besides, now that I'm unemployed because my factory moved to Mexico, I'm way too busy drinking beer, playing pool, and scratching my ass to care."

"Illegal, Schmegal!" bellowed Cheney. "I'm not only the Vice President, I'm also a Republican! Haven't you people been paying attention the last four years? We're beyond reproach! We've got God on our side!"

Cheney wasted no time in handling the case. He promptly took over Chief Justice duties from William Rehnquist, dismissed the other eight justices and declared himself innocent on all charges. "God I love power!" cackled Cheney, rubbing his hands together maniacally. "My precious, precious power!"

Guy In Chicken Suit Just Begging For Abuse

It is the opinion of many passers-by at the intersection of Cactus and Heat Wave that a man who has been dancing around in a chicken suit for the last week is just begging for abuse. The costumed lackey is advertising a newly opened restaurant in the Cactus View Shopping Plaza called The Plucky Chicken.

"God that guy's &$&!%@# annoying!" grumbled Tina Dell, who works at the nearby Kiddie Kourt Day Care Center. "I drive past that @*&*$&# corner every &%#!*@$ day and every %#$@!$@ day he's out there waving at cars and doing the &$*@#@! funky chicken. I just want to beat his $%#@^$% ass."

"Who would humiliate themselves like that day in and day out?" said Curtis Henshaw, a bathroom attendant at Larry's Strip-O-Rama. "I just don't get it."

The owner of The Plucky Chicken, Chuck Kluck, defended his advertising decision. "Come on! Maurice is hilarious! He's an acting vet. I mean he's taken two acting classes. He knows what he's doing. Plus our research indicates, that nothing works better to increase business traffic than a crazy costumed character ranting at people."

When asked to comment on his lame career choice, the chicken started waving his wings frantically and yelling muffled obscenities. Several cars then screeched to a halt nearby. The drivers emerged from their cars, converged on the feathered stooge and gave him a sound thrashing.

Top Valentine Gift Ideas

Valentine's Day is here again and with it comes the usual conundrum: what to get that special someone in your life. Well, the BilgeBucket staff is here to help. We've concocted a list of sure-fire gifts that will surely let your mister or misses that you care. Gomy Dinkman swears by 'em! Get ready to reap the rewards after you present these winners.

For Her
	A Clay Aiken CD
	A can of assorted nuts, bolts and washers
	A box of chocolate covered cauliflower
	Some kneepads
	Some mouthwash
	A pack of Winstons
	A coupon for one dollar off at Arby's
	A subscription to Big Gazongas
	A chew toy
	A slightly used 2003 Arkansas State Quarter
	An autographed portrait of Gilbert Gottfried
	A nice salmon
For Him
	Sex
	Kinky sex
	Kinky sex with a Supermodel