Cheney Wings Fellow Hunter; Army Deploys Him To Iraq

Vice President Dick Cheney emerged from his underground lair this past weekend and accidentally shot fellow hunter, Harry Whittington, a grumpy Republican millionaire lawyer from Austin, Texas. Although Whittington was not seriously wounded, Cheney’s shooting skills did not go unnoticed by the Army. Spokesmen have indicated the Army’s desire to deploy the Vice President to Iraq as a sharpshooter.

General Maxwell Stanton Fields of the Joint Chiefs of Staff said, “Vice President Cheney’s been holding out on us. He’s an excellent marksman and we feel that he would do fine covering our boys out in the field, especially in Fallujah. What a fine patriotic example that would be for Americans everywhere.”

Sergeant Brent Rodgers, a soldier training security forces in Baghdad was very excited about the prospect of having the Vice President lead them into battle. “Wow! It would be like it was back in the middle ages when the Kings and knights would lead the soldiers into war. I mean what’s more important, shooting quail or shooting insurgents.”

Fellow hunter, Arthur J. Wallingford IV, another irascible industrialist from Houston commented on the accident, “We were hunting for quail. That’s quail the bird, not Quayle, the former Vice President. We’ve pretty much forgotten about how he let us down in ’92. Heh-heh! Anyhoo, a covey flew up toward Harry and Cheney shot. It was an honest mistake. It could happen to anyone. Hell, it must have happened to me two, three… hundred times.”

There are some who think it may not have been an accident. Ill-tempered Houston oil tycoon G. Baxter Thompson V said, “We don’t call him Deadeye Dick for nothing. He knew what he was doing. He was just sore at Harry for beating him at Yahtzee back in 1996. When you beat Dick at Yahtzee, Dick doesn’t get mad, Dick gets even!”

Democratic Senator John Kerry said, “If Dick Cheney wants to shoot fellow Republicans be my guest. Next time, may I suggest taking along Dubya, Rove, Rummy, Condi and Frist, too.”

When told of his new assignment, Cheney growled, “I told you back in Vietnam, I’ve got better things to do right now. Like hand out more no bid contracts to Halliburton from my undisclosed location and to punish Scooter Libby for blaming me for leaks. Tell Alberto to get the waterboards and brass knuckles ready.”

Animal-Human Mutants Flee For Their Lives

On the heels of President Bush’s State of the Union address, where he commented on the ‘egregious abuse of science’ in making human-animal hybrids, mutants from all over America have decided to flee the country, fearing that the government is eavesdropping on them and could be planning to include them on the terrorist list.

Bush said in his speech, "Tonight I ask you to pass legislation to prohibit the most egregious abuses of medical research: human cloning in all its forms, creating or implanting embryos for experiments, creating human-animal hybrids, and buying, selling, or patenting human embryos." (*Editors Note: actual quote)

Half man-half chicken, Leon Kluck, known by his mutant name, Kluckers, said he didn’t feel welcome any more in the United States. Kluckers, born with a human torso and chicken limbs said, “Baaaakkk! What happened to the America I used to know where a vibrant young chicken boy could strut down the street and crow to his heart’s content. Nay, these are indeed sad times. ” Kluckers then started jerking his head quickly back and forth and pecked at some seeds on the ground with his mouth. “Oh the humanity! Why didn’t my creators give me a beak so I could eat these seeds?”

Mad scientist and genetic engineer, Dr. Nathanial Moreau, defended the making of human-animal hybrids. “This is an outrage! Mwhahahahahahaha! Mwhahahahahahaha!!” After wringing his hands and laughing maniacally for five minutes, he continued. “Bush has no room to complain. He wouldn’t be around today if we hadn’t crossed a human with a chimp fifty some years ago. Lucky for him, George H.W. Bush and Barbara adopted him and gave him a home. What are comic book writers going to do if I can’t create animal-human monstrosities to terrorize and conversely save humanity? What about my freedom to create?! Igor! Igor! Where are those bat wings? I’ve got to complete bat boy before the feds arrive.”

Bev Mohr, who is half woman-half beaver, and known by her mutant name Beaverly, said, “We beaver/humans are damn mad, no pun intended. I’m proud of my cross breeding. I can honestly say I’m a beaver with a beaver. I’m the only housewife on the block who can trim the trees with her teeth and make pancakes with her tail. Take that June Cleaver.”

Democrats and Republicans seemed equally puzzled by Bush’s reference. Wisconsin Democrat Senator Russ Feingold said, “We’ve got huge problems in this nation; the Iraq War, Medicare, the failure of the Hurricane Katrina relief effort, government corruption and domestic spying. And the President is worried over animal-human hybrids. This isn’t the Marvel Comic book world, this is reality. This just shows that this President is spinning completely out of control. Pun intended.”

Republican Senator John McCain of Arizona said, “You know I’ve had to swallow a lot of crap from the White House these past five years just to keep my hopes of getting the Republican endorsement in 2008. Some might say I’ve sold my soul. I had to hug the guy in 2004 for Pete’s sake! But I don’t know how much longer I can support this bullshit. Animal-human hybrids? ” McCain slapped his hand to his forehead. “Come on!”

Bush closed the State of the Union address by saying, “9/11! 9/11! 9/11! Terror, Terror, Terror! God Bless America!” He then grabbed a banana, swang from the podium via a cable and started throwing feces at the media.

Crow Splits From Armstrong; Other Human Males Rate Chances At Zero

Grammy award winning rock star Sheryl Crow has officially split from seven time Tour de France champion Lance Armstrong. Reasons cited for the split have to do with Armstrong’s obsession with his career and unfaithfulness. The split came just four months after announcing their plans to wed and weeks from the impending nuptials.

In the wake of the split, many normally confident males seem reluctant to even fantasize about dating and wooing Crow. “Geez,” said Jake McEllison, a plumber from Screehawken, Illinois. “Normally when actresses split from their husbands I usually get excited. Like when Jessica Simpson split from Nick Lachey, I said to myself, ‘Now’s your chance Jake.’ But Armstrong beat cancer, won the Tour de France, and inspired millions. He appeared on Oprah! You can’t get much better than that. I don’t know what she’s looking for but I’m certainly not going to fill the bill. I sweat pipes for a living.”

Up and coming actor Chance Stone, of the soap opera, The Bold and The Breastless, commented, “I’m just shocked at the split. They seemed like the perfect couple. I think the only man on earth who could’ve given her a prettier baby than Lance would be me. But then again, I’ve never won the Tour de France seven times and kicked cancer’s ass. That’s a tough act to follow. I hear Liza Minelli’s single. Maybe I’ll swoop in on that little filly.”

Successful television mogul and swinging bachelor, Derek S. Lansford, of Boston, Massachusetts said, “Wow! I’ve always had the hots for Sheryl Crow and I’m richer than the Pope, so I usually have no problem dating starlets. But he was Lance Armstrong. The guy has one nut and still kicked every one’s ass for seven years running. The man is a true hero in my opinion. If he can’t please her, I’m certainly not going to.”

Not everybody was giving up hope. New York messenger boy, Jean Paul Giscard, said as he took a drag off his cigarette, “Oui, oui. Jean Paul could make Sheryl Crow very happy. Sure Lance Armstrong was a great bike rider, but he never had to deal with Manhattan traffic. Sheryl, mon cherie, get on the back of my bike and I promise you a ride you’ll never forget. Plus, Jean Paul’s 200 square foot studio apartment has ambi-ance up the ying-yang. How do you say? Booo-yah!”

Television personality Rosie O’Donnell was also very hopeful. “This is perfect timing. If this doesn’t turn her, nothing will. Happy Valentines Day, Sheryl!” O’Donnell made the universal telephone sign with her pinky finger and thumb and said, “Call me!”

Top Spellbinding Highlights From The Awe-Inspiring FBR Phoenix Open

The unbelievably riveting FBR Phoenix Open is one of the marquee events of the PGA tour and took place from January 30th to February 5th at the TPC golf course in Scottsdale. The Valley of the Sun was all atwitter at the enthralling spectacle, as the biggest luminaries from the exhilarating world of golf, like Phil Mickelson, Tom Lehman and Mark Calcavecchia, teed off for the top prize of $5.2 million. This year, mesmerizing rookie J.B. Holmes took home the gold, but there were several thrilling events that marked the astonishing week. The BilgeBucket staff has jumped on the potent FBR bandwagon and brings to you, the top electrifying highlights from this year’s sensational FBR Phoenix Open.

Ah hell. We got nothing. Next!

Top New Events At The XX Winter Olympic Games

The XX Winter Olympic Games are under way in Torino, Italy (Turin to us Americans). Countries from all over the world are sending their top athletes to compete for the gold in winter sports like skiing, hockey and of course the world’s favorite, luge. The International Olympic Committee has decided to expand the number of winter sports to increase interest in the games. Our intrepid staff has obtained a list of the new sports. In our humble opinion, no sport could possibly match the excitement of curling. Oh yeah! The stone is in the house, eh!

	Celebrity Ballroom Ice Dancing
	Midget Slalom
	Garbage Can Lid Tobogganing
	Snow Fort Building
	Snow Fort Destruction
	Super G Snow Angels
	Snow Shoveling: Lightweight Aluminum Throw
	Snow Shoveling: Middleweight 18” Steel Gauge Throw
	Snow Shoveling: Heavyweight Carbon Steel Push
	Chairlift Racing
	Avalanche Surfing
	Speed Windshield Scraping
	High Heel Ice Walking
	Freestyle Skiing: Tree Crashing
	Cursive Pee Writing
	Snowball Throwing: Oblivious Motorist
	Snowball Throwing: Annoying Nerd
	Snowball Throwing: Squirrel On Telephone Line
	Icicle Fencing
	Freestyle Slush Stomping
	Extreme Hot Tub
	Ice Judo
	Ski Jumping: Precipitous Cliff