Cockfighting Wasn't What I Thought It Was

Hello darlings! I hope y'all had a Happy Holiday season. Mine has sure been interesting. Right before Thanksgiving, a client of mine, Señor Don Miguel Perrobaracho, who always like to keep his toenails and fingernails nicely manicured, invited me down to his chicken ranch in Acapulco. He also keeps a ranch in South Phoenix. I figured he's got some pesos and he has been sweet on me for some time. When he said he's got plenty of cocks down there, well, my ears just pricked up like a bitch in heat. He told me the cocks are always fighting each other. Hmmm, I thought, he runs a gay ranch. Well I've got to see this. I was thinking maybe I could convert them.

Boy was I disappointed. First of all, his little ranch was about two hundred miles away from Acapulco with no ocean or beaches in sight. Secondly, the cocks he was talking about were roosters and they were fighting each other. I've been around some, especially Arkansas and Texas, so you'd think I would have heard about this before. Well I thought the whole thing was just frightful. These roosters had sharp little thingies on their feet and they fought each other until the other one died. I ran into some congressmen there who were pushing for bills to put little boxing gloves on the rooster's feet at the cockfighting rings in America. I thought that was such a cute idea.

But the bloody cocks surely left my libido high and dry. Señor Perrobaracho was no help either. He was more interested in his cocks than me. His farm hands were kind of strange, too. Every time I was feeling 'in the mood', I'd put on a halter top, my micro mini-skirt and high heels and strut back and forth in front of the barn where they hung out. All they wanted to do was go get a donkey for me. I have no idea what that was about.

So I hung out with the congressmen. They told me that Señor Perrobaracho ran an illegal cockfighting ring in South Phoenix and that they were keeping an eye on him. They recommended that I leave with them down to Acapulco. It took me two seconds to pack my things. I thanked Señor Perrobaracho and vamoosed down to Acapulco for sun and surf with my new congressional buddies, all expenses paid. Those boys sure knew how to party! Let's just say they dictated mucho legislation to yours truly while we were there.

But it's good to be back in Cactus Corners working at Shear Enough and over here at the BilgeBucket. I was so happy to see everybody. I even gave Beulah a little kiss. That got her engine revving. I've just got ton of letters from y'all, most of them asking for advice for Valentine's Day. Well, Dr. Shirley Ray is here with your love prescriptions. Enjoy!

Dear Shirley Ray,

I'm a famous exercise guru with millions of fans and several workout videos. Every week I just love watching American Idol on television. It's such a joy seeing fresh young talent. That little Clay Aiken was just adorable. And that Ruben Studdard is just a big old teddy bear. Anyway, I find myself strangely attracted to that ogre Simon Cowell. I daydream about him ordering me around and making me dance for him and iron his shirts. Tell me, am I crazy or do others feel like I do? Help me Shirley Ray! You're my only hope!

Lil' Dickie

Dear Lil' Dickie,

You're not alone, Lil' Dickie. I myself have been attracted to that overbearing, arrogant jerkwad. It takes a lot of talent to be that big of an asswipe. I have fantasies myself about Simon. I'm dressed like a schoolgirl and sing I'll Always Love You by Whitney Houston. I sing so badly that he takes me over his knee and spanks me. I'm getting hot just writing about it! I would definitely pursue your desire. Write him a letter or stop by the studio and start stalking him. That'll get his attention. By the way, Lil' Dickie. My mother loves Sweating to the Oldies. Keep up the good work. ;-)

Dear Shirley Ray,

There's this hot columnist at a satirical webzine that just hates my guts for some reason. I would love to get to know her, because I have no doubt, even though we're politically different, we would sizzle between the sheets. First, I'd call her up and have phone sex with her while using a vibrator on myself. Then I'd come on over to her trailer and take a shower with her. I'd put on a big old loofah mit and start massaging her while we're both eating falafel. Does this sound like a dream date to you, Shirley Ray? Are you up for a Valentine's Day with a love god?

Loofah Boy

Dear Loofah Boy,

For the last time, Bill O'Reilly, I'm not interested in you. You're all splotchy, full of hot air and you 'spin' my stomach. Why don't you harass someone at Fox, you horny little bastard. Might I suggest Sean Hannity?

Dear Shirley Ray,

I work at this local satirical webzine with this sex goddess. She is so hot, she is volcanic! I want to rock her world so much, but she only wants to be friends. What can I do to win her love?

Little Old Lady From Cactus Corners

Dear Little Old Lady From Cactus Corners,

Beulah Snodgrass! You sneaky girl, you! Honey, I told you I only like men folk. It just ain't going to happen between us. I swear, sometimes it is such a burden being so beautiful and sexy. I need a beer and a smoke.

Dear Shirley Ray,

My sister, Betsy June, has been prancin' 'round lately wearing these cut off shorts. Daisy Dukes I'se thinks she calls 'em. Anyways, I'se getting strange urges in my groinal regions. Can she be my valentine?

Cuzin Merle

Dear Cuzin Merle,

Sugar, it's not proper like to date people from your own family any more, unless you live in Arkansas. Now my suggestion to you is to go to a nice church social or strip joint and speak to a female that is not in your family. Or you can pick up and move your family to Arkansas.

That's all for this week, darlings. Talk to you next time.

Love and Kisses!

Shirley Ray,
The Queen Of Cactus Needles Trailer Park