Bush Clarifies Social Security To The Masses

President Bush has been traveling the country recently touting his Social Security reform plan to the nation. At a rally in Tampa, Florida, on February 4th, Bush addressed the pliant audience about Social Security.

"Because the -- all which is on the table begins to address the big cost drivers. For example, how benefits are calculated, for example, is on the table. Whether or not benefits rise based upon wage increases or price increases. There's a series of parts of the formula that are being considered. And when you couple that, those different cost drivers, affecting those -- changing those with personal accounts, the idea is to get what has been promised more likely to be -- or closer delivered to what has been promised. Does that make any sense to you? It's kind of muddled. Look, there's a series of things that cause the -- like, for example, benefits are calculated based upon the increase of wages, as opposed to the increase of prices. Some have suggested that we calculate -- the benefits will rise based upon inflation, as opposed to wage increases. There is a reform that would help solve the red if that were put into effect. In other words, how fast benefits grow, how fast the promised benefits grow, if those -- if that growth is affected, it will help on the red." (**Editors Note: This is an actual quote.)

Afterwards, Tampa citizens had mixed reactions on the President's message. Dr. Phyllis Ewalt said, "It all sounded kind of confusing to me. But I'm just a simple rocket scientist. What do I know? I'm sure the President knows what he's doing."

Orville Knox said, "Look. This reform stuff is hard work. I'd like to see anybody try to explain what the hell he's trying to do with our retirement money."

Fred Tillerman just kept hitting his head with an oversized mallet muttering repeatedly, "I can't believe I voted for him."

Susan McClintock said, "Now let me get this straight. How fast benefits grow if that growth is affected will help the red. Oh, now I get it. You just have to repeat it over and over again until it makes sense."

Fox Sportscasters Agree: Patriots Are A 'Dynasty'

Last week, the New England Patriots captured their third Super Bowl in four years by beating the Philadelphia Eagles 24-21 in Super Bowl XXXIX in Jacksonville, Florida. Almost 86 million people tuned into watch as the Fox Sportscasting team of James Brown, Terry Bradshaw, Howie Long and Jimmy Johnson discussed the Patriots victory.

Bradshaw declared forcefully, "There is no doubt that the Patriots are a 'Dynasty'. Look, they've won three out of the last four Super Bowls. To me that says 'Dynasty' and I'm not talking about the 1980's T.V. show."

"Uh-huh," agreed Brown.

"No question about it," said Long. "Anytime a team can win back to back Super Bowls, you have to start talking 'Dynasty'. I'm mean Jimmy knows all about dynasties because he had the last 'Dynasty' back in the '90s with the Cowboys. You won three out of four Super Bowls from '92 to '96. That is a 'Dynasty'."

"Yes we did," said Johnson. "And yes this is a 'Dynasty', no doubt about it. The Patriots have won three out of the last four Super Bowls. If there was any doubt before this Super Bowl, there shouldn't be any now. The Patriots are the new 'Dynasty' in the NFL."

"Uh-huh," agreed Brown.

"Now don't forget my 'Dynasty' back in the '70s with the Pittsburgh Steelers," said Bradshaw. "We won four Super Bowls in six years. We were a 'Mega-Dynasty'. But I'd definitely have to say the Patriots have a good chance of beating that because they are the new NFL 'Dynasty'. I mean they've won three out of the last four Super Bowls."

"Absolutely," said Johnson. "They are a 'Dynasty'. And they have a chance to be a 'Mega-Dynasty'. They're off to a great start with three Super Bowl wins in the last four years."

"Uh-huh," agreed Brown.

"Yes, they are definitely the first 'Dynasty' of the new millennium," said Long.

"Absolutely!" said Bradshaw. "They are the new millennium's first NFL 'Dynasty'."

"No doubt about it," said Johnson. "Three Super Bowl victories in four years. They are a 'Dynasty'."

By this time most of the 86 million viewers had turned the channel to watch the special Super Bowl Edition of the Antique Road Show.

Hacker Sentenced: Must Consort With...Humans

A federal judge recently sentenced teenage hacker, Jeffery Lee Parson, who created the MSBlast.b worm in 2003, to eighteen months of consorting with human beings instead of computers. According to federal investigators, Parson's worm caused $1.2 million in damages and infected nearly 50,000 systems in the late summer of 2003.

When Parsons heard the verdict he pounded the defendant's desk, stood up and bellowed, "Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" He then broke down and sobbed for several minutes with his head down on the desk.

U.S. District Judge Marsha Pechman, who passed down the decision, said, "It's just not healthy to lock yourself in your room and create your own reality on a computer. People like Jeffery Lee Parsons and that odious little twit from the BilgeBucket Gazette, Gomy Dinkman, who spend all they're waking hours on the computer or on X-box playing video games, need a good swift kick in the pants!"

Among the activities Parsons must participate in as part of his sentence are: making crafts with seniors in a retirement home; singing with orphans; helping Girl Scouts sell cookies; counseling troubled kids who've visited Neverland Ranch; painting the toenails of women in beauty salons; calling out numbers at church BINGO; reading bedtime stories to the homeless; assisting pregnant women with their shopping; and listening to people's complaints at the DMV.

"These activities will no doubt reconnect Jeffery with his fellow citizens and bring him back into society as a fully functioning human being," said Pechman. "Or turn him into a homicidal maniac hell bent on the destruction of mankind. Oh well. Time for lunch. Who wants Arbys?"

Afterward, Parsons expressed extreme anxiety about his sentence. "This is the worse sentence possible. I've actually got to talk to...people. I wish I was back in my little room, creating viruses, infecting other people's computers and making everybody miserable. Those were good times! Now I've got to enrich other people's lives. Oh, the humanity!" He broke into tears again.

When asked how he felt about the decision and in particular, what Judge Pechman said about him, BilgeBucket Gazette columnist Gomy Dinkman said, "Shhhhhh. Not now. Playing video game."

Top Valentine's Day Activities

Valentine's Day is here again and it's time to treat that special someone in your life to an evening out on the town. But where should you go? Well, the BilgeBucket staff is here to help. We've assembled a list of things to do and places to take your honey for Valentine's Day. Believe us when we say, she won't know how to thank you.

	An exciting ride through the car wash
	Polka dancing at the Polka Barn listening to Admiral Arnie and His Accordion Aces
	A shopping spree at Everything For A Buck
	A trip to the drive-in at Sonic for Coney dogs and fries
	A nice, romantic walk through the red light district
	A quiet, relaxing night at home watching Gigli on DVD and munching Cheezits
	Let her dance at amateur night at Joe's Strip-o-rama
	A stimulating evening in your bedroom rearranging your State Quarter collection
	A visit to the neighborhood crystal meth lab
	Shopping cart races in the Juggermart parking lot
	A fun filled night in church reading the Bible, especially the 'biblical' verses
	All expenses paid vacation to beautiful downtown Fallujah