Bush Appoints Commission To Study WMD Intelligence

President Bush appointed a blue ribbon investigation committee to determine if the intelligence used for determining existence of WMDs in Iraq was faulty. This is in response to former weapons inspector David Kay's findings that no Weapons of Mass Destruction existed prior to the United States invasion of Iraq.

"I've constructed a top notch committee to investigate these allegations of faulty intelligence," said President Bush as he stifled a laugh. "Believe me they'll get to the bottom of it."

The committee contained ten Republicans and one Democrat, Georgia Senator Zell Miller, who many consider to be a Republican anyway. It convened last Thursday afternoon. By Thursday evening, they had adjourned with the conclusion that David Kay was wrong and that he is actually an Al-Qaeda operative trying to sabotage the War on Terror. Kay was promptly arrested and taken to Guantanamo Bay for questioning and good pummeling.

"No question about it," said committee chairman, Trent Lott. "That Kay is evil. He's worse than Hitler. How dare he suggest our president was wrong and lied to the American people!"

Lott then excused himself. "I've got to go now. We've just received a report from CIA headquarters that the Swiss are working on some kind of chocolate covered nuclear device. We may have to invade Switzerland folks and it may be delicious!"

Pope To Start Traveling Papal Break-Dancing Troupe

Pope John Paul II, ignoring advice from his doctors and advisors, has decided to start his own break-dancing troupe that will travel around Europe performing for paying audiences.

Recently, the pope was entertained by a trio of young polish break-dancers. According to papal assistant, Cardinal Vito DiRossi, he was so affected by their performance that he decided he was going to start his own troupe. "Yes, it is true," said DiRossi. "Those youths so moved our Holiness that he wants to form a performing troupe that travels the country side break-dancing and spreading the word of God. He's in his room practicing right now."

The troupe will be named the Papal Pips and will give their first concert in Vatican City on Ash Wednesday. When reached for comment, the Pope said, "Oh I just love this stuff! I used to be quite an athlete in my day and seeing those kids moving and spinning made me want to try it. But I tell you this much, it's not so easy. I've got a headache from doing those head spins. And doing windmills in a flowing robe is certainly no walk on the Tiber."

Bush To Factories: Smoke All You Want

In a controversial move, President Bush has decided to ease monitoring of smokestack emissions of power plants and factories around the United States.

"These poor, poor factories have to pay up the wazoo for all these fancy smancy pollution controls," said Bush. "How can this economy get jump started when they got to pay for this equipment that limits pollution? And those inspections are costly, too. I mean come on! Two inspections per five years. That's way too much."

Bryce Natelson, a spokesman from the Sierra Club, said, "This is just another example of Bush giving favor to industry and dismantling the Clean Air Act. Those inspections are done for a reason: to keep emissions within a reasonable range so the public isn't inundated with smog and acid rain. Allowing factories to regulate themselves is like putting a mouse in charge of the cheese. If they can get away without doing it so they can squeeze any extra profit for their executives, they will do it."

When told of the environmentalist response to his actions, Bush shook his head, smirked, and said, "Those green, green, lima beans. You just got to love 'em. People, according to Saint Ronald Reagan, pollution is caused by trees not factories or cars. And now thanks to the wonders of drugs, you can just take medicine if you get pollution-induced asthma or cancer. See the economy is stimulated and my friends get rich. People it's the patriotic thing to do. God Bless America!"

Dean To Become Geography Teacher

The Montpelier Public School District has announced that Democratic presidential hopeful Howard Dean has been tendered an offer to be the new Geography teacher at Maple Syrup Junior High.

"We think he would make a perfect teacher," said Maple Syrup principal, Dorothy Spellman. "He's just so enthusiastic! And the way he recited those states after the Iowa Caucuses, you just know he loves geography. Let's face it. If he doesn't win a state soon, he's screwed. So why not come back to his home and teach the wee ones where all the states are located."

When asked to comment about the appointment, Dean grinned broadly, leapt into the air and bellowed loudly. "I'm going back to Vermont! Yeaaaaarrrggggghhhh!"

BilgeBucket Super Bowl Party Highlights

The best thing about the Super Bowl is the tons of Super Bowl parties, which crop up around the country. Friends gather together to eat, drink and be merry while watching the ultimate showdown between the best teams in the NFL, which this year are the New England Patriots and the Carolina Panthers. The BilgeBucket staff decided to have a Super Bowl Party this year over at Dex Rexter's condo. The party consisted of the entire staff including Little Jimmy Shitzenzimmer, his parents Big Jimmy and Mona, and Beulah Snodgrass's hair stylist, the Queen of Cactus Needles Trailer Park, Shirley Ray Bodine. We've decided to list the highlights (or lowlights depending on who you talk to) of this year's BilgeBucket Super Bowl Party.

	Drinking shots every time an erectile dysfunction ad was shown
	Getting sloshed before halftime because of those damn erectile dysfunction ads
	Chester Einstein throwing salsa at television everytime Deion Sanders appeared
	Gomy Dinkman rubbing himself every time the Panther and Patriots cheerleaders appeared
	Hiding various food items in Shirley Ray Bodine's bouffant hairdo
	Dex Rexter doing impersonation of the streaker
	Beulah Snodgrass chasing a nearly nude Dex around the apartment
	Chester Einstein recreating the Wardrobe Malfunction with Shirley Ray Bodine's ample bazoooms
	Big Jimmy and Mona covering Little Jimmy's eyes and storming out of the place
	Giving Gomy Dinkman a victory wedgie after the Patriots win
	Beulah Snodgrass waking up the next morning in Dex's bathroom praying to the porcelain god