Bush Addresses Nation; To ‘Surge’ On Healthcare, Global Warming

At his State of the Union address last week, President Bush touched upon many issues like the war in Iraq, the economy, and two issues that have suddenly become very important for him; healthcare and global warming.

After introducing new Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, Bush got down to business. “We’ve got a new Democrat congress so I’ll dumb it down a little bit this year. Heh-heh. People we need to give ‘Surge’ a chance. Now there are some people who think we need to leave Iraq, like the Democrats, the Republicans, the Iraqi Study Group, the Iraqis, a majority of people in the World, and even one of my dogs, Ms. Beazley…the damn bitch. Now I acknowledge their opinion, but since I’m the Decider, we will stay in Iraq whether they like it or not. And we will confront any Iranians which may be trying to influence the Iraqi government. You see, only we can meddle in other country’s affairs. It’s not only in the Constitution but God told me so. Remember, I’m tight with the Big Guy.”

“And speaking of ‘Surge’,” continued Bush. “Did you like my little segue? Pretty cool, huh. Anyhoo, we need to not only ‘Surge’ on our new way forward, we need to ‘Surge’ ahead on the very real threat of global warming. Now I know what you’re all thinking, ‘Who’s going to win that swell Super Bowl game?’ Well folks, I think the best defense is a good offense, which is precisely our strategy in the Middle East. See how everything comes around. Wait a second… my train of thought derailed.” Bush then excused himself, turned and talked to Vice President Cheney, who hit himself in the forehead with his hand and brusquely reprimanded the President while Nancy Pelosi blinked in disbelief.

After a few seconds of confusion, Bush continued his address. “Like I was saying. We need to ‘Surge’ ahead on stopping global warming. That’s why I’m proposing we spend a whopping one thousand dollars to combat this menace. I also propose a New Way Forward Health Plan which will make health insurance affordable to all Americans…with an income over $100,000 a year. The rest of you will just have to work harder. Fortunately, the economy is going like gangbusters. Plus, according to our new federal accountants, who by the way did the books over at Enron, we’ve only got a deficit of $250 billion now. By next year it’ll be gone. See tax cuts to the rich do work.”

“I’d like to close by saying, I’m taking the Colts by ten. Oh, I almost forgot. Terror. Terror. Terror. 9/11. 9/11. 9/11. God Bless America only!”

Afterwards, the President addressed his many critics. “A lot of people were disappointed that I didn’t mention anything in my speech about New Orleans. Well, I was going to mention them but the Saints lost to the Bears so I lost that reference. Why else would I mention New Orleans? Did something important happen there in the past couple of years that I should know about?”

Cheney Delivers State Of The Bunker Address

In coordination with President Bush’s State of the Union address last week, Vice President Dick Cheney delivered his State of the Bunker address televised live from his underground lair. In it, the Vice President was quite defensive about the war in Iraq and vehement that everything would work out.

“My fellow Americans,” said Cheney. “What the media is feeding you is a bunch of hogwash. From my vantage point in my undisclosed bunker, everything is going well in Iraq and anyone who thinks differently is only helping our enemies. Don’t listen to the people who tell you that there are over 3000 soldiers dead and over 10,000 wounded. Don’t listen to the people who say that over 100,000 Iraqis have been killed. Don’t listen to the people who say we’ve spent almost a trillion dollars on the war and yet there are more terrorists and the country is in the throes of a civil war which is destabilizing the entire region. They’re lying terrorist loving liberals! Real progress is being made in building the infrastructure for the Iraqi people, who love us and want us to stay there indefinitely to help them become the jewel of freedom and democracy in the Middle East. Yes, we have made absolutely no mistakes whatsoever and if we had to do it all over again, we’d do it exactly the same way. You see, we need to fight the people who attacked us on 9/11, who hate freedom and only want to spread terror. We need to win the war in Iraq at all cost or we will lose our respectability in the world, which currently is at an all time high.”

Cheney continued, “Therefore, we must continue with this fantastic New Way Forward, or ‘Surge’. This is the next phase in our War Against Evil, which we will win sometime in the 22nd century after all the oil is drained from the ground in the Middle East and we don’t give a damn about that region anymore. In the mean time we must continue to spend vast amounts of money on defense, missiles, huge gas guzzling vehicles and consume, consume, consume like there is no tomorrow. If we don’t consume, the terrorists win. We mustn’t listen to those fearmonger scientists who whine about global warming which like James Inhofe says, is the greatest hoax perpetrated on mankind. So the polar bears die. It serves them right for living in the Arctic.”

Cheney then concluded his speech. “In closing I’d like add that I’ve never heard of Scooter Libby and if any of you plan on asking questions about how I feel about my gay daughter and her partner having a baby, I just want to let you know I’ve got my gun right here beside me and I’m itching to go hunting. God bless Amer…Ah, the hell with that. You voted for the Democrats. God bless me!”

Pompous Manager Gets Sick; Spreads Illness To Co-Workers

Leyland Industries Production Manager Dennis Gunther became sick early last week with a severe case of the flu. However, instead of staying home to recover, he decided he was too indispensable and came into work which consequently spread the illness to his co-workers. By the end of the week, nearly sixty percent of his team had come down with symptoms.

“I couldn’t believe it,” said admin assistant Beth Conway. “He trudges into his cubicle coughing, looking like something the cat dragged in. His eyes were sullen, his face looked all flushed and feverish, his nose was running; he was a mess. Then throughout the day he’s hacking up a lung and blowing his brains out his nose. I bet he went through a box of Kleenex before lunch. Then he kept his coat on all day, shivering like he was in the Arctic. Normally, I feel bad for somebody when they’re sick. But then again, anybody with any sense stays home when they’re that sick.” Conway then sneezed and continued. “Great! Now I’m getting what he had. Thanks, asshole!”

“I am so mad!” said analyst Joanne Wilcox. “Thanks to Mr. I’m-so-valuable. I’m sick and I’m going to miss my girl’s dance recital tonight. Last night I barfed all night long. Thank goodness, Leyland barely provides healthcare coverage. But I’m so glad Dennis was able to show up to work and prove to us what a man he is. What an asshat!”

Specialist Mike Roman also expressed rage, “I was supposed to go on a date with Brenda Swaroski Friday night. But I’ve got a 102 fever, never-ending diarrhea and my head feels like it’s going to explode. Thanks Dennis! I’ll remember this next time you ask me to work late to meet a deadline. Asswipe! Wait. He’s not going to read this is he?”

Gunther defended his decision to show up despite being horribly ill and contagious. “First of all, I wasn’t that sick. I’ve been sicker, trust me. Besides, a man doesn’t let a little flu keep him down. I’m the Iron Man of this office and it’s up to me to keep things running. If I don’t do it, who else will? Beth? She’s a woman! That would be a disaster! Sure I could’ve stayed home; anybody in this office probably would have called in whining ‘Oh, I’m sick. I can’t come in today because I’m a wimp.’ Not me, buddy boy! I come in no matter what. No excuses!” Gunther then turned around quickly and vomited into his waste basket. “Wow! This flu just won’t go away. My wife says I should see a doctor, but only pantywaists do that.”

Hip Hopper Keeps Getting Pants Pulled Down

Jared ‘Phat’ Hermanski, an employee at Dave’s Copy Center in the Blue Cactus Shopping Center, has complained lately that co-workers and even employees have been repeatedly yanking his baggy hip hop jeans down around his ankles as he walks around the store.

“I can’t believe this,” said Hermanski, as he slowly adjusted his baseball cap so the bill was angled to the side. “This is so wack. Take last week. I’m walking over to the color copier to change out the paper and the next thing I know, my pants are around my ankles and Jason and Kevin are running back to the counter laughing their heads off. Then later on, this old man was watching me stock the stapler station and he comes over and yanks them down again. Even my mom yanked ‘em down last week right in the grocery store. What’s up with that?”

Co-worker Kevin Steele, explained why so many people want to yank his pants down. “That guy’s a grade A doofus. I mean here he is: a chubby, dim-witted, white, suburbanite who thinks he’s black. He’s got that stupid looking Mercedes medallion on that chain around his neck and he’s constantly bumping against the machines. He does everything in slow motion. I mean everything. I mean he eats his sandwiches like he’s a cow chewing cud. Then he wears that baseball hat everywhere and he wears it slanted so much he can’t see out his right eye. He not only wears he shoes untied but the laces are about a mile long. That’s why he moves so slow, because he doesn’t want to trip over them. But the kicker is his pants. He wears them so low, half his Scooby-Doo underwear is showing. God, we can’t resist pulling ‘em down and neither can anyone else. He’s just begging for it. I even heard his pastor pulled ‘em down when ol’ ‘Phat’ was trudging around at his church. What a lamoid!”

Barney McFarland, the old man who jerked Hermanski’s pants down defended his move. “Listen, I’m ninety-eight years old. I’ve been correcting younguns for the past sixty years. It’s my right, dadgummit! I pulled hippies hair back in the sixties, I kicked those disco freaks in the ass in the seventies and I pulled the ties on those young Reagan Republicans in the eighties. But these kids today take the cake. That whippersnapper needs to wear some suspenders or a belt or something. I could see his underwear for Pete’s sake. Plus he was moving slower than I was. He was just asking for it so, I pulled ‘em down. I pulled up down good. It felt good and I’d do it again, dagnabit!”

Hermanski’s mother, Karen, said, “Oh, I love Jared, I really do. But I just hate the way he dresses. This hippity hop stuff is so dumb. The way he wears his jeans, he’s just begging to be pantsed. I just couldn’t resist last week at the grocery store. He was whining and complaining that there wasn’t anything good to eat in the house. ‘Why don’t we get this’, ‘Why don’t we get that’, blah, blah, blah. So I came up from behind him in the frozen food section and zoinks! Right there in front of Mrs. Lamberty. Well, she just about fainted and Jared turned fifteen shades of red. Maybe he’ll move out of the house soon and buy his own food. Not that I’m complaining, but he is almost thirty. I think it’s time.”

Pastor Lester Kaminski of The Good Shepard Lutheran Church said, “Well I have no excuse as to why I pulled Jared’s pants down except the old standard, ‘the devil made me do it.’ That boy wears those baggy pants everywhere, even to the Lord’s house. So there he was, just lollygagging along like he usually does, moping and whining and acting like once of those gangster rappers. Finally, I stopped talking to Mrs. McGinty, walked over to him and pulled his pants down in front of everybody. But the funny thing was, everybody started cheering. A few people even came up to me and shook my hand. I know it was wrong, but it felt so good.”

Asked if he would stop wearing baggy pants in the future, Hermanski said, “No way. From now on, I’m just not going to wear any underwear. So the next time they yank down my pants, they’ll be in for a little surprise. That’ll show ‘em!”

Top Mall Stores That Won’t Make It

The Holiday season has come and gone and with it comes the inevitable decline in shopping. But while we were running around hectically trying to find that perfect gift, we also noticed that there were some specialty stores in the malls of Cactus Corners, that because of their merchandise or services, probably won’t be around for very much longer. Here they are in convenient list form.

	Faded Charms Used Lingerie
	The Hantavirus Store
	T’oh Clipperz
	The St. Swithins Day Store
	Dickeys For Less
	Paper Clip City
	The Tampon Hut
	Olson’s Designer Toothpicks
	Broccoli on a Stick
	Itchy Cosmetics
	The Liederhosen Depot
	Turnip Treats
	The Amish Fashion Barn
	Turbans, Turbans, Turbans
	U.S. Army Recruiter