Dex Rexter: Slinging The Slop

People of Cactus Corners, it is with great pride that I deliver to you today the very first State of the Bucket address. Yes, if our great country can have a grand and glorious yearly status update where politicians of every stripe can clap their fool heads off for each other, then I can give a status report on the BilgeBucket Gazette, the leading satirical webzine in America’s trendiest suburb, Cactus Corners, Arizona. [applause]

Things are going well here at the Bucket. Readership is up, links to our site are proliferating around the web, and we’ve added several features to our site in 2006, like ads, an RSS feed, new semi-regular schtick like Super Neato TV Trivia Rumors, Celebrity Look-a-likes and SKYMart’s Item O’ The Week, and a BilgeBucket store filled with crappy merchandise that’s just rakin’ in the Washingtons. [applause] When this webzine launched back in ’03, I stated that we would be happy if we were 1/20th as funny as The Onion, the Mother of all satirical web sites. Well according to our recent polls, we’re now 1/15th as funny. Ladies and gentlemen, that’s progress! [applause]

But we will not sit still and rest on our laurels. No we won’t! [applause] We will initiate a New Way Forward, a ‘Surge’ if you will, that will make this year the best ever. [applause] We’ll continue to experiment with bold, innovative, satire guaranteed to make you laugh until your sides hurt. [silence] Okay, it’ll make you chuckle heartily. [silence] Okay, you’ll smile slightly like you’ve got gas. [wild applause] But make no mistake, as God as my witness, we will not go hungry again. [perplexed murmurs] Just kidding! [riotous hooting and foot stomping]

So in conclusion, the state of the Bucket is strong. Our staff is awake, semi-alert and slightly motivated. We feel the best is yet to come in 2007. So without further adieu, let’s start shoveling again! [applause, fireworks, cannonade and patriotic music]