Bush Promotes 'Personal' Accounts

President Bush promoted the creation of 'Personal' accounts last week in a press conference held to promote alternatives to what the Republicans are calling the impending Social Security crisis.

"These Personal accounts will allow Americans the personal freedom to invest their personal money in their own personal way thus allowing them personal benefits and personal security," said Bush.

When asked about why the President wants to privatize Social Security, Bush responded vehemently, "It's not privatization. It's personalization. There's a difference you know. Privatization sounds real bad. Personalization sounds real good. Ergo...you like that...ergo. I sound like a smartsy fartsy liberal." Bush then chuckled to himself for five minutes.

Bush composed himself and continued. "Like I was saying since personalization sounds gooder, we'll be using that term to describe how we're going to save Social Security from guaranteed disaster."

Many experts were skeptical of Bush's desire to privatize Social Security. Financial consultant Larry McNeil, a professor at Princeton, said, "The majority of Americans are against privatizing Social Security. They call it Social Security for a reason. It's security for citizens when they get old and can't work anymore. People don't want to be placing they're hard earned money in something as volatile as the stock market. Not only that, the cost of creating these private savings accounts could cost $2 trillion dollars in transition costs. Benefits will also be cut by up to 25% at a time when most seniors need the money for medical expenses. We risk placing our senior citizens in poverty."

Bush rebuffed any criticism. "People. Like I said before, it's not privatization. It's personalization. Any true patriotic American will welcome the chance to invest their nest eggs in personal accounts where they can personally benefit from investing in personal companies like Halliburton, Boeing, and Exxon. If we don't personalize Social Security, it may blow up within the next ten years, maybe even five. Now it's true, we Republicans have been saying that since the '70s, but this time I mean it. You can think of it as a financial Weapon of Mass Destruction. I'm not going wait for a mushroom cloud of depression. We've got to nip this in the bud now or we'll all be bankrupt and living hand to mouth. Fear, fear, fear."

Karen Ferley of Mosquito Valley, Tennessee, said, "Well shoot. I was really leery of privatization. But this personalization sounds all right. It gives me a warm fuzzy cause it's personal."

Jerry Detwiler of Holstein, South Dakota, said, "All I know is I believe the President in whatever he tells us. If he says Social Security is going to blow up, then it'll blow up. I mean in four years he hasn't lied to us once. I mean he even admits he's never made a mistake. By the way, I still think they'll find WMDs in Iraq. After all, them Iraqians were behind the 9/11 attacks. Every thinking man knows that."

Dangers Of Rocket Fuel Chemical Downplayed

The National Academy of Sciences recently downplayed the dangers of the chemical perchlorate, which is used in rocket fuels and other industrial processes. Perchlorate has leaked into water supplies and has been detected in soil nationwide. However, the expert panel concluded that the chemical could be ingested at doses twenty times the standard set previously by the Environmental Protection Agency.

However, environmental groups disagree with the findings, stating that study was influenced by coercion from the Pentagon and Department of Defense. Nancy Van Zandt, of the National Resource Defense Council stated. "This is an outrage. Perchlorate in high doses can wreak havoc with the human thyroid gland. It could especially be dangerous for pregnant women and could cause their children to have problems such as mental retardation and problems with speech, hearing and motor skills. It has been found in 35 states and more than 11 million have it in their drinking water. It's even been found in milk and lettuce. The Government is supposed to protect American's health. Instead they coerce the scientists into setting the standard for safe levels high enough that the defense industry and other corporations don't have spend any money to clean up the mess they've made."

The White House dismissed the accusations. President Bush said, "Those green, green lima beans. Will they ever learn? These are legitimate scientists making these findings. They were hand picked by several of my friends in the defense, mining, and logging industry. Now if they say we can dump more perkylore into the soil, then we can dump more percachlor into the soil. Honestly, these lima beans keep whining 'Oh you can't do this. You can't do that. It's too dangerous.' Well I'm sorry, folks! That's infringing on our corporate freedoms. What are our poor corporations supposed to do? They've got to make money somehow, even if we all have to take a little bit more poisons into our bodies. It's the price we have to pay for freedom."

The announcement was great news for defense contractors, who faced billions of dollars of possible cleanup. "Whew!" said Howard Meyers II of defense giant, Eradicon, as he lit up a cigar. "We dodged a bullet there. Thank goodness the Republicans are in charge in Washington. Now we can continue to do what ever we want without paying the consequences. We're talking Profit City, baby. Now I can get that hideaway in the Cayman Islands I've always wanted."

Gary T. Williams of MagiChem Industries, said, "This is fantastic news for us. Not only do we not pay income taxes, we don't have to clean up our 'accidental' spill from a couple of years ago. Boy, the local citizens were really getting on our backs, too. I guess this will shut them up."

Surprisingly, most Americans didn't seem too concerned about the news. Bill Beckstill, of Skankton, Texas, said, "Boy howdy. If the guvment says it's safe to drink the water, then I believe 'em. They've never ever lied to me before."

Kathy McDevlin, of Belcher, Nevada, said, "This is good news for me, since I'm expecting this year. It's nice to know the chemicals corporations are dumping into the ground won't deform my baby too horribly."

Dale Farmer, of Mormon Creek, Utah, said, "I don't know what the fuss is all about. I love the taste of rocket fuel in my drinking water."

New Cardinals Logo Should Improve Team Dramatically

The Arizona Cardinals revealed a new logo this week according to team officials. The updated logo features a much more fierce looking bird than the previous one which debuted on helmets in 1960, when the franchise was located in St. Louis.

"This new logo is just what the franchise needs," said team vice president Mike Bidwell. "Now when opposing teams look at our helmets, they won't see a meek, mild mannered cardinal looking back at them. They'll see a mean, fierce cardinal looking back at them. I know I wouldn't want to tangle with a cardinal that mean."

Coach Dennis Green was very positive about the new, ferocious cardinal. "There is no doubt, that is why we didn't have a winning season last year. Our logo cost us games. This new logo will allow us to have our first winning season since 1997-98. Hell, we may even go to the Super Bowl because of this logo."

Players were also very enthusiastic about the change. Defensive end Bertrand Berry will wear the new logo on his helmet during the upcoming pro bowl, February 13th. "When Willie Roaf sees this nasty ass cardinal looking at him, he'll go crying home to his mommy."

Quarterback Josh McCown said, "I'll feel so much more confident next year with this new furious looking cardinal on my helmet. That's why I struggled last year with my passing. I was so self-conscious about the timid looking cardinal on my helmet. I'd fade back in the pocket and look for a receiver and I started thinking about how mediocre and unimpressive I must look. Then the next thing you know, I'm getting sacked. No more next year. This bird is going to fly!"

Fans had mixed reactions about the updated bird. Jolene Reed of Glendale, said, "Oh my! It's such an improvement! This cardinal means business. It's saying, 'I'm taking no prisoners!' I'm going to love watching the new Cardinals hit some homers and hoop some scores with this logo on their helmet."

Mike Dankowski of Gilbert was dubious. "Criminy sakes! There is no way anybody is going to be afraid of a stinking cardinal, I don't care how mean he looks. If they want to get something nasty they should change the mascot to something that's mean and has something to do with Arizona. Something like Scorpions, or Outlaws, or Wranglers. Geez, I've seen two cardinals since I moved here twenty years ago. Bidwell, get a clue!"

Top Events At Donald Trump's Wedding

Last week, mega-tycoon Donald Trump, star of the NBC series The Apprentice, married long time girlfriend, Slovenian model Melania Knauss, at an elaborate ceremony before 400 well wishers at Episcopal Church of Bethesda by the Sea in Palm Beach, Florida. Among the high profile celebrity guests were: Shaquille O'Neal, Barbara Walters, Katie Couric, Regis Philbin, Kelly Ripa, Tony Bennett and Mayor Rudolph Giuliani. Even the BilgeBucket's own Chester Einstein was invited. It turns out he had a run in with the real estate mogul in Atlantic City back in the sixties and according to Chester, 'has something on the Donald'. Not wanting Chester to go unescorted, we sent Beulah Snodgrass along for the ride. Together they have gathered the top Trump events that occurred during the Trump festivities. Trumptastic!

	Carolyn and George from The Apprentice arrive to counsel Trump on his vows
	The Donald's hair leaps off his head and makes a mad dash for freedom
	Ivana Trump and Marla Maples heckle the Donald from the balcony
	Melania files for divorce immediately after vows are exchanged
	Dinner buffet featuring tater-tots, beans and hot dogs
	Twenty story high Grand Marnier chocolate truffle cake complete with Trump neon sign at the top
	Mark Cuban crashes the party and shoots spitwads into Trump's hair
	Jesus Christ appears and proclaims the Trumps the 'Best Couple Ever' (after President Bush and Laura, of course.)
	Shaqille O'Neal gives Rolls Royce to Trump; Chester Einstein gives a Tonka truck
	Beulah Snodgrass pushes Melania aside during the vow exchange and starts to hump Trump
	Star Jones loses it and gorges herself on wedding cake
	Billy Joel crashes car into reception ballroom
	At the end of the reception, the bride and groom encrust themselves in 24 carat gold
	After kissing the bride, Trump turns and tells guests "You're fired!"